Feeling the CRINGE in therapy

[SummerCrossing]

Hi everyone,

Does anyone else experience extreme cringey-ness (mostly at one's self) in therapy? I've had about 7 sessions now, and I leave almost every therapy session ruminating on awkward moments that happened throughout, how inarticulate I was, what I should've said instead, the odd faces I definitely made, how my therapist must think I'm weird (even though I know this is irrational...I also think about how she would perceive me if I wasn't her client and she knew me 'on the outside') etc. etc.

I basically dread every session because I know I'm going to be awkward yet again - I guess I still haven't learnt how to be comfortable opening up and being vulnerable to another human being IRL. I think I also strongly dislike the fact that she knows so much about me....

Should I be feeling this way though? I have thought that maybe I need to find a therapist I feel more comfortable with...but to be honest it's probably just me and my general weirdness.

Thanks for taking the time to read about how much I struggle with everything in life incl. the very thing that's supposed to be helping me in life (haaa, but seriously :))

[Quercus]

Hi Possum and Summer Crossing,

I was very reluctant to start any kind of therapy. The idea of trusting a stranger to talk about things I couldn't even admit to myself let alone my family was almost abhorrent.

So my compromise to myself was if I talk about it to the therapist I talk about it to my husband. I trust and love him and in the long term it is him that is affected by my mood swings and problems on a daily basis not the therapist.

The plus side of that attitude is that my psychiatrist is a means to an end. He is not my friend. I am very concious of the fact that I pay for him to listen and for his medical advice and expertise. I am very aware I am a patient to him. It is my family and friends who love me and who I really matter to.

I force myself talk about what I need to but my goal long term is to be able to function again on my own. There is an element of trust to be able to open up but for me it is more of a trust in his professionalism and so far he has earned that.

[The_Possum]

Hi Quercus

Thanks for your take on it, it's really interesting.

I guess from my perspective there are things I discuss with my therapist that I wouldn't necessarily discuss with family and friends. This is kind of the reason why I'm going in the first place. If it were easy for my to just discuss these issues with my husband or other people, then I probably wouldn't need therapy at all.

My reason for this is because I don't want to necessarily burden my family with a lot of the deep issues I may be facing. For example whilst my husband might now of some incidents which occurred at uni which have effected me, he might not know the extent of my emotion attached to that and the scars or extent of it. And honestly I wouldn't want to download all that on him. It doesn't serve a purpose in our relationship now and I don't want us consumed with my past.

Hence the therapist is someone I see that I can download all this too. Whilst I know clearly I'm paying for the service and they aren't my friend, I still am at risk of growing a dependency or attachment to them, simply because I'm divulging to them matters that no one really knows. This brings undoubtedly feelings into the equation. We aren't robots.

So I guess that's where my concern remains. Not that I currently have any dependency issues but I do feel I'm been extra cautious of the potential which I don't know, it may be detracting from therapy.

I maybe over thinking it though or maybe scared off by stories I've read.. Maybe shouldn't Google lol

[Quercus]

Hi Possum,

This hit close to home majorly...

whilst my husband might now of some incidents which occurred at uni which have effected me, he might not know the extent of my emotion attached to that and the scars or extent of it. And honestly I wouldn't want to download all that on him. It doesn't serve a purpose in our relationship now and I don't want us consumed with my past.

I could have written that once. I worried a hell of a lot about offloading onto my husband and also about whether it would make him unable to respect and love me anymore.

But it came down to me needing to deal with these demons and needing him to know the details and the 'why' seeing as a lot of times when we argue or have problems it's because I'm triggered somehow and am living in the past in my head. I needed his help and I needed him on my side.

If he was unable or unwilling then that was going to be a huge problem for us because I'd tried burying it all and moving on and all that achieved was me destroying myself . So my options were brutal honesty or give up on myself.

That said... Your situation is unique to you and you know what is right for yourself. This is just the background to why this approach was appropriate for me.

[The_Possum]

Valid points there. I can totally see where you are coming from.

I guess I am trying to protect him as I've recently been diagnosed bipolar ii and I just feel I'm putting him under enough at the moment.

Maybe over time that perception will change.

The uni stuff doesn't really bother me now or have an impact on my current life, as that was 12 years ago now. But it came up in therapy.. I'm not sure how it even did. I wasn't expecting it. And with that came a whole range of feelings and emotions. Things I hadn't felt since the incidents.

I really didn't like the fact that even came up now when I'm trying to deal with other things happening now. So I'm a lot more cautious in how I answer questions and discuss things.

Guess I'm just messed up in the head at the moment.

[SummerCrossing]

Hi all,

I hope everyone is doing well 🙂 Thought I would update with how my latest therapy session went if you are interested. I made sure that the first thing I talked about were the cringe-y feelings I often felt following sessions, and I think my therapist was actually quite surprised I had been feeling this way. She mentioned that she never thought of me as an awkward person, or thought I made weird faces (which isn't so true because I definitely did haha), and said it was O.K. that I didn't look her in the eye at all times and sometimes struggled to form words around how I was feeling - because I was raised not to articulate my emotions at all (which is true). The main message was to be a little more compassionate towards, and a little less critical of, myself - which I do have to work on. Interestingly, I haven't cringed so much about this session!

I also mentioned my concerns over attachment, and how odd I felt the concept of therapy was (that being the fact I know nothing about her etc.) and to be honest I wasn't expecting nor know how to feel/think about her response...she said I could ask her anything about her life and she would happily answer!!! To be honest, of course I'm very curious about her life, her interests, her thoughts on the world etc. but I also know that it's probably unhealthy for me to indulge myself with facts about her and would push my boundaries I have for her, so I declined. But shouldn't she form her own boundaries? Does she think it won't impact how her clients progress, think about her, and the work in the therapy room? Perhaps her other clients aren't as clingy/easily attached as I am. I guess I know myself better than she knows me, so in this case I'm the one that has to put myself in check and resist pushing boundaries.

She also confirmed that it was natural for clients to feel an attachment to their therapists, but kinda palmed off my qualms over "one day finishing therapy and never seeing you again" by saying that it's not like losing a friendship because I always have power and get to choose if I want to see her whenever I want and for as long as I want (she forget to mention, provided I have the money to book a session...) and that she wasn't planning on retiring/moving/going anywhere soon so she will be here...I don't know whether this has resolved any of my fears of being attached and dependent on someone who doesn't really love/care for you (as Quercus mentioned) but alas...

Have a good week everyone 🙂

[Quercus]

Hi Summer Crossing,

Good on you for bringing up the topic with your therapist. Can't say I'm all that impressed with her answers though.

I think boundaries are important. I'm sure you got that from my previous posts. But I don't want to be reliant on a therapist. That makes me very uncomfortable. I like the idea of setting a timeline. Establishing certain goals and a timeframe for when the treatment will end and I will manage on my own. My psychiatrist hasn't done this either though unfortunately.

Also boundaries help me to feel. safer. Especially when certain topics come up which I struggle to discuss. The knowledge that the relationship is strictly professional is the only reason I am able to talk about what I need to. If the therapist was too friendly or even offered a hug or handshake I'd be out the door in a heartbeat.

The other thing that comes to mind is... Is this the therapist for you? I had a very friendly female psychologist and I could not open up to her. At all. She was too friendly. Offered too much of herself. I couldn't be honest so she couldn't help me. I find the male psychiatrist I see who is older than my Dad and a bit cold suits me better. The extent of his contact is passing me a box of tissues. That's it. No handshakes. Lots of personal space. It seems odd but this therapist suits me. I feel safe enough to confide in him. What do you think?

Hooe you are feeling well and the therapy is helping 😊

[SummerCrossing]

Hi Quercus,

Thanks so much for your input - you've given me a lot to think about. I have to admit, sometimes I've felt it's totally unclear in what direction my therapy is going, which I'm sure isn't a good sign. I'd be more confident if there were indeed established clear-cut goals and a time frame, but have been too scared to ask - it's definitely something I'll consider to do. That being said, I've already been questioning my therapist's approach altogether, and your thoughts on vastly differing therapy styles has sparked a few more that I have to ask myself.

I'm so glad you have found something that works for you, and I hope I'll figure this whole thing out soon enough! 🙂