Feeling alone - tapered off meds

[Lori32]

Hi all! I have suffered from panic disorder and agoraphobia for 16 years....6 and a half of those taking antidepressants. I've never really been great on them....always struggled...

So I decided that it's my mind and my thoughts creating this monster so I thought I'd taper of the meds....BIG mistake! I went into a downward spiral of anxiety and panic attack after panic attack, couldn't leave my house and have had a tremor ever since. I have currently gone back on my original dose and am just coping.

To top it all off my son got an award at assembly today and I couldn't bring myself to go sit in the hall with everyone else so I missed it and it broke my heart....

I have a referral to see a psychiatrist but it's a 5 week wait! I just don't know what to do.....

Maybe I should try different meds but I'm so scared to taper off this one again. And scared of side affects of a new one as I remember with

this one I got so much worse before I started getting better.

I just want to function normally again 😞 

I'd appreciate any support or advice....

Lori

[AGrace]

Hi Lori,

I can understand the temptation to come off medication, and this happens to a lot of us. Sadly if we don't do it under the right circumstances it can have negative side effects, as you have unfortunately had to experience. It's good to hear that you have restarted the medication and that you've made a subsequent appointment with your Psychiatrist.

I understand that you have a bit of a wait to see the Psychiatrist. It might be worthwhile going back to your GP and explaining your situation to see if you can get some support around increasing the dosage of your current medication, or at least getting some additional medication like a relaxant you can take when required. 

Do you also see a Psychologist? It would be good for the Psychologist to give you some helpful coping strategies while you wait for the medication to take effect and the Psychiatrist appt. The Psychologist will also provide an outlet for your to talk through some of the difficult times we experience with mental illness, like missing the assembly for your son. Please don't feel alone here though, or like you are not a good parent. We have all been impacted by our illnesses so much that we've had to miss things that we would've rather attended. The fact that your son received an award tells you he is doing really well, so you must be doing everything right as a mummy.

I recently had the opportunity to speak with a Consumer Consultant. He had recovered from was Agoraphobia. He told me that there were 3 things that helped him through. Awareness, that he had the illness and that he would need to make an effort to recover. Acceptance, that this was an illness and that it was possible to recover from it, that he needed to own his treatment, and that he could only do what he could do. And finally, Action, taking steps toward recovery. He did this by planning one goal each week. The 1st step was to stand in front of the front door. He did this every day for a week, until feeling comfortable with it. His 2nd step was opening the front door, which again he repeated every day for a week. The third step was to stand outside the front door. He did this every day but it took him 2 weeks to get comfortable. Eventually he walked to the letterbox, then to the car, then to the local deli etc. It was the gradual exposure that helped the most.

I know we all want normalcy, but sometimes we have to accept what normal and doable is for us right now. I hope this helps, we are always here.

AGrace

[Lori32]

Hi AGrace thank you for your response and advice 

I have made an appointment with my GP for next week and will ask for a referral to a psychologist whilst I'm waiting the 5 weeks to see the psychiatrist. 

I was thinking of upping my meds as the thought of changing to another and having to taper scares the living daylight outta me from the recent experience! I've never really been on much of a higher dose so maybe that may help. I do have something to take to relax me but I've always been hesitant to rely on something like that....call me stubborn I know!  I always try to get through it and end up so exhausted and drained when I should just take something to help me...

I agree with the consumer consultant that recovered from agoraphobia. It's so so true.....acceptance is a major key factor on the road to recovery.  I guess I have always just wanted it gone that I push it away and I don't accept it. I also want to be bettter NOW and that's another no no as it takes time. It's just hard to put all these things into practice when it's been so long suffering. 

I have been telling myself over the last few days that these are just feelings although very scary and uncomfortable they will pass. It does help somewhat...

my problem to is that my marriage broke down at one stage and a major factor was my disorder stopping me from living and that made my husband stop too.  He felt trapped by it and it hurts him seeing me a different woman to what I once was. We have since reconciled and worked on these issues and are better for it but I'm always afraid to tell him when I'm anxious because I'm scared he will leave again.  I guess it's just something I will always find hard to do from the fear and hurt I felt the last time. So I guess I feel pressured to do things and be the person he so longingly wants me to be again. He doesn't pressure me at all...that's my thoughts. He is actually very supportive .

anyway I've rambled enough! 

Lori

[geoff]

dear Lori, what Amber is saying is that her counsellor had been doing what is called 'desensitization' which is a great way to overcome anxiety, phobias and fears, and psychologist as well use this in cognitive therapy.

Google it and see if you can relate to how it works, and it really doesn't take a great deal of effort it's just constant practice, so for instance if you are scared of spiders and can't go into the same room while they are there, by doing this desensitization eventually you will able to hold them, figuratively speaking.

This may also help you to bring you back to the way you were once of all. L Geoff. x

[Lori32]

Hi Geoff 

I will google that now....thankyou!

its all practice and patience isn't it!  It's so nice being able to talk to all you lovely people :)) 

P.s won't be holding spiders anytime soon lol

[AGrace]

Hi Lori32,

I'm glad you have decided to get the Psychologist referral. I wanted to also mention to ask your GP for a Mental Health Care Plan. That way you are entitled to your first 10 Psychology visits covered fully by Medicare.

Increasing the dose of medication is always an option, it's just best to make sure that any changes made to your meds are under the supervision of your Dr (ie: don't up the dosage without consultation with your GP). I used to be like you and hold off from taking PRNs (unscheduled medication, taken as required), the thing is, while we are learning coping skills, like desensitisation, the medications help keep us in a mindset where be more effective. You've probably also heard of the old adage it's easier to prevent than treat, so if you notice anxiety symptoms taking a PRN may reduce the chances of this becoming a panic attack or may reduce the longevity of the symptoms.

When I get 5 mins I will do a separate thread about "The 3 A's" and "Better" because I think there's lots to be said about these terms. You're right though, we all want to get better NOW, but it doesn't happen over night so it's an impossible goal. When we don't get better NOW we feel like we're failures, and this only causes unnecessary, secondary suffering. The illness can make us focus on the negatives a lot, but try to think about what you CAN do right now, as opposed to what you can't do. This is Acceptance.

I know what you mean regarding your husband. Sometimes we begin to feel like the boy who cried wolf. I used to think "should I tell someone how I feel now?, what if tomorrow I'm worse?, maybe I shouldn't say anything now and instead wait until it gets really bad." Of course these thoughts just went around like a vicious circle until eventually someone said to me "Why didn't you say anything sooner?"

I can understand for you it feels like there's more on the line than just embarrassment or shame or guilt, because of your previous experience with your relationship deteriorating. I think if you were able to think in what they call "wise mind" state you'd be able to tell yourself that your partner won't just up an leave because you tell him you are anxious. He undoubtedly loves you. I think there's 2 separate conversations that you could have with your partner. Insecurity and Mental Wellbeing. (Maybe a PRN before these conversations:))

Let us know how you go with the GP appt.

AGrace