Fears about seeking Adult ADHD diagnosis

[tmas]

Kind of forever I have suspected that I have ADHD (now 21), but always dismissed it because some things didn't resonate about the immediate google search about being a terror in class or behind academically or an outwardly destructive child (or a little boy). Only in the last few years did I do more research and learn about the subtypes and the fact that it sometimes presents differently in females (and listened to people with it speak) - knowing these things it really seemed like a perfect fit, but I kind of told myself I was being dramatic and attention seeking (rationally I know I'm neither of those things but I fear it's the truth and the people I open up to always say this to me and it's hard to clear out the garbage).

Basically I'm afraid that when I finally go to the appointment they won't believe me. My original psychiatrist said she could organise diagnostics with a colleague and then revealed they would be assessing for childhood ADHD (said my MOTHER! had to take the exam for me, and it would be less accurate as I am a female and an adult and then seemed to conclude it might not be helpful, shocking right?). I was certainly shocked and got quite mad... I kept pushing and she revealed that I actually COULD see an adult psychiatrist (why wasn't that the first suggestion??). Anyway I couldn't see him for about 7 weeks, now in only 3 weeks which is still so far away given how long I've been waiting... but soon enough that I'm doubting everything. I've never been able to hold a job and am a uni student so I live with my family which is continuing to take it's toll. I'm always being told that I'm wasting my time with this doctor and setting myself up for disappointment by banking everything on getting a diagnosis. They thought I had narcolepsy but I couldn't afford the test so I have to pay the private script fee for the meds I take for that which is taking a toll too (and hard to get scripts for without diagnosis, hard to function without).

I worry that this is true. I am truly putting all my eggs in this basket... I don't know what will happen when he says "No, you're just having a depressive/anxious/OCD/trauma episode." It doesn't feel like any of those things. I've done all those things and all those treatments, but these things remain. Some of the visible symptoms I had I was trained out of like fidgeting and talking fast/often, I always felt judged for how I move through the world, by me and others. Can anyone relate? What helps with this spiral?

[tmas]

I’m sorry later diagnosis was so hard for you! It’s so common to hear this story and only through these stories have I come to question my own diagnoses.

It’s interesting you say you felt stupid, I always felt somehow behind even though I did well in school and seemed quite emotionally mature (questionable in hindsight). As a child and teen, people (mostly friends and teacher) threw endearing phrases at me like “mini wiki”, “organised chaos”, and “the dumbest smart person” because I seemingly knew alot and was bright or creative, but my spaces were a mess, I constantly forgot everyday things (even though I could recite pi to 45 digits), and would always misread people or be late to a joke/ my own humour was very niche.

I’ve had mixed experiences with professionals. When the process started around 14 my mother came to every appointment because I was so anxious with doctors I couldn’t speak (oddly I was even more anxious to speak with my mum). Only without her involved have I had positive experiences and my psychiatrist who I asked for referal for assessment actually told me that my mum would have to take the exam bc it’s designed for kids (huge red flag and I got so frustrated). Asked why I couldn’t just see an adult psychiatrist and she acted like it was an odd idea. For reference, every assessment my mothers ever taken for me had said I have crippling social anxiety and no other issue (extremely incorrect on every level). It took years for her to believe I had OCD or any other issues and now I’m having the issue with investigating adhd bc I don’t have money to pay so she covers me, but she thinks I’m attention seeking (very incorrect, it’s been so difficult to pursue this even though it’s been in the back of my mind for years). Same reason she doesn’t believe I’m queer or struggling now with life. She’s in my head, and I’ve had dr’s invalidate me before (and be proved wrong), if they doubt me with this it will be hard for me to accept, but she’s told me this will happen and I frankly don’t want her to be right haha. Appt is in one week’s time and I’m extremely nervous, and the timing is horrible but it needs to happen.

I don’t think I’m purely inattentive, but noone seems to notice (only one dr, he’s kind of an angel, and the only dr I’ve been very honest with whoops!). They’ve only called me impulsive in the context of alcohol but thats just because it becomes a problem for them, they don't typically see the energy either. Don’t know how.

[therising]

Hi tmas

It's a challenge, managing people who scoff at all we may be going through in life. Seeing they can't fully feel or sense what we're going through, this makes them far from being expert on the matter. Wondering if you ever have the occasion where you think 'I'd love to put how I feel into you for a day, so you know how it feels'. Only problem with this 'just for a day' factor is...they don't get to experience the long term impact.

I love companies that employ 'ideas people' just for their ideas and imagination. They employ others to expand on those ideas, bringing them into reality. Everyone brings their own expertise to the table. Personally, my dream job is one where I get paid to wonder and imagine. I've heard Elon Musk say he could never retire from what he does, no matter how much money he has because he loves what he does, he thrives on it. He imagines the most incredible things and says to his people, in one way or another, 'I need you to bring what I see in my mind into reality'. It's said he will not employ anyone who does not share his vision, who cannot see what he sees in his mind. Btw, I believe one of the most fascinating people in history would have to be Nikola Tesla. Incredible, what brought to life and accurately predicted through his visions. Truly fascinating person, in so many ways. Began to study Tesla a bit for my son's sake. While my son has a truly brilliant imagination, he lacks the ability to channel focus at times. I thought how did someone with such a brilliant imagination, like Tesla, take his visions and bring them to life through focus (2 separate practices)? He put a lot of it down to self discipline. He simply couldn't stay in his imagination, otherwise nothing would get done. He had to manage his imagination and what he saw through it so it would compliment his work, not interfere with it. Think I might look for a biography, which might point to clues on such self mastery.

I feel 'by the book' psychologists can sometimes dismiss what they feel or explain it away as something other than what it is, when facing a client. To elaborate, you can have one expert who's expert on all they've been taught, by the book/s, at uni. If they can feel the stress of their client, they may put it down to anxiety, based on what they've been taught. You can have another who can feel their client's stress and the energy behind it. They might question what leads that person to have so much energy to the point where it stresses them.

[tmas]

I think the problem was that I never recognised it as energy because I was physically fatigued, and it felt like more of a buzz, or potential energy that I actively suppressed, and people would point it out if let it go for a minute.

I’ve invested time into daily physical movement which has been great for channelling it, and building physical strength has been really nice for my internal self image, and a bit before bed helps me sleep a bit. I also can’t fall asleep in complete silence… my brain runs away without distraction, I privately call it “the bad place”. And good friends/partner means I can be enthusiastic without judgment. Regulation is just out of reach though, its not extreme mood swings but its quite a bit of somersaulting. Also nikola tesla may have been into eugenics… just a content warning.

[livi_mivi]

Hey tmas,

What you are going through right now sounds very frustrating. Getting a diagnosis of any kind can be such a lengthy and expensive process and I can completely relate to what you are going through right now. It's even harder when you have family or friends that invalidate how you are feeling/what you are experiencing, whether they mean to or not, as it makes you feel silly for even thinking that you might have underlying difficulties. It's like everyone suddenly becomes doctors/psychiatrists whenever you mention the potential of having a particular disorder/struggling with a symptom. I can't even begin to describe to you how many times I've heard "But you can't have ADHD, you've always _______". Sometimes you just wish you could click your fingers and let someone into the depths of your mind just so they can truly understand how you are feeling.

I would have to agree with therising's comments of there being a reason for the way we behave and it being reasonable to want to understand how we can adapt our behaviours or surroundings/environments to suit our needs more. I understand how scary the thought of being invalidated by a mental health professional can be and never being able to experience the relief that any diagnosis/explanation of your behaviours and feelings can bring. As for that spiral, it's one thing I'm still trying to figure out myself and will definitely keep engaging with this thread. I hope that one day soon, you will be able to find that relief, support and understanding. I just want to reassure you that you have the support of this awesome community and that you aren't alone in your frustrations. Good on you for trying your best to gain a better understanding of yourself.

All the best

[therising]

Hi tmas

Amazing how greater self understanding can make things easier. Sounds like you've made a lot of progress over time, when it comes to better understanding yourself regarding what works and what doesn't. As I mentioned to my son the other day, finding someone to help you understand yourself even better is like a form of 'fast tracking'. It's like if you connect with a really good psychologist or you connect with a really reliable highly informative person through YouTube, for example, one or both can become your 'go to' for helping make better sense of the way you tick. You can learn in a handful of sittings what can take you years to work out on your own.

There can be such a desperation to meet a 'go to' person, who we go to for all that kind of helpful information. So many things can get in the way of that. Say you desire meeting a great psychologist, what may get in the way of that could be the 2 not so great ones you meet in between time or it could be a lack of money which means you need the time to save in order to see them or it might mean they only have enough time in their schedule to see you once a fortnight as opposed to twice a week. A lot of stuff can slow things down. I've found one major factor that can get in the way of progress can come down to the number of people in our life who steer us away from making a connection with such people. 'What are you doing looking into that?!' (as an expression of judgement or degradation) or 'You should be able to work things out for yourself' are just a couple of common phrases that can steer us in the wrong direction. You know, all that stuff that drowns out your intuition, that thing that says to you almost in a nagging way 'You need help. You can't do this on your own. Don't listen to what anyone else says'.

Can definitely become stressful and/or depressing, not being able to work our self out. Can lead to facing that horrible internal dialogue like 'What's 'wrong' with me? Why am I so 'defective'? Why can't I be 'normal'?' etc. I think when an amazing 'go to' person can explain 'There's nothing wrong with you, your abilities are simply out of control (such as the ability to channel enormous amounts of energy)' or 'You're not defective, you simply haven't developed managing in the most effective ways yet' or 'You are far from mainstream normal and that's definitely not a bad thing', it all becomes rather liberating. It can become a matter of 'Who am I and how exactly do I work, effectively?'.

[tmas]

Figured I should update after the appt, it was over a week ago but I forgot... I've become overly aware of how much I forget. Turns out it's everything.

The new Dr was very kind, very considerate of my financial arrangement.

Funny story, I couldn't remember any of the plan we had established in the appt, but I did remember him saying to ask reception for his email address so I could stay in contact. Naturally, I forgot to do this so I *emailed* reception to ask for his email address, this is about five days after the appt. Either he has a personal email he thought I could have but actually can't, or (more likely) he meant for me to have reception's email. So I emailed reception asking for receptions email, and they had to reply saying that I had it already. In conclusion I am fleeing to the Czech Republic to either marry rich or perform a small scale reenactment of The Last Holiday (2006) before committing to professional destitution.

I was asking for the email to see if he had some sort of recap notes, or if he recommended another appt. At some point in the day I opened my phone calendar bc I got a surprise notification that I had to take a specific, regular-fortnightly injection for a skin issue and saw a pretty purple dot and clicked on it, only to discover that I had booked a follow up during my last appt and simply forgotten. For all the miscommunications with my last psychiatrist, she had gotten to know me well enough to send me a summary after each appt.

These days I carry a small note book everywhere I go, my BF asked what it was and I opened it and he was quite entertained to find every page was a to do list written the night before every single day of the last two months, and was endeared to the fact that they read "1) wake up, 2) take meds, 3) stretch, 4) brush teeth, 5) shower, 6) text that person about xyz, mention abc, 7) moisturise and get dressed, 😎 place [10 items as checklist] in bag, 9) eat porridge" etc, everyday of my life. It's the only way I get anything done, even moisturising.

The only reason I didn't have my book to take notes in that day at this appointment was bc "I didn't want to look like I had a problem," which is horrible reasoning to have in a Dr's office in hindsight. I'm in a much better mood with assessments over (despite working retail) and now I have a whole two weeks to not improve on myself with, and I cannot wait to watch it slip through my fingers like sand. I'm letting myself get feral 🙂

[therising]

Hi tmas

With that old style 'angel on one shoulder, devil on the other' kind of scenario, I find it makes me more conscious of my internal dialogue. I've lost track of the amount of times I've gone off to appointments and then come home to hear that devilish internal dialogue that can sound a little like 'You're hopeless, the fact you can't remember most of what they said. What's wrong with you?!' etc . Gets a little brutal at times. These days I'm developing the practice of saying to myself 'What would the angel say?'. Can sound a little like 'Don't be so hard on yourself, you know you're memory's not all that great. You need to exercise it to improve it. In the meantime, carry a notebook'. I too am a bit of a notebook gal. By the way, the angel side is far more constructive, inspiring and helpful 🙂

Your daily 'to do' list reminds me of a book I'm currently reading, 'Atomic Habits' by James Clear. I love any book that's mind altering, in a good way, and this book is truly astounding. As Clear mentions, we have dozens of established habits we perform every single day, many of which we're not conscious of as being a habit (good or not so good). From flicking on a light switch or going to the toilet to binging on some addiction, becoming conscious of what we're working with is key to establishing a constructive daily plan. He refers to one habit after another (like with your list) as 'Habit stacking', which creates forward momentum. Without the next constructive habit to go to, we can remain stagnant or stuck in old bad habits.

Clear also speaks of habits being comprised of 4 factors. Every habit has 4 factors which makes it a habit: 1)Cue, 2)craving, 3)response and 4)reward. With something as simple as switching on a light, the cue is the dark room, the craving is for light, the response is to flick the switch and the reward is seeing better in that room. With having a highly addictive non constructive Netflix binge the entire day (I'm guilty of this), the cue can be a day off work/no appointment/free time, the craving is for some laid back entertainment with no effort involved, the response is setting myself up on the couch etc and the reward is not having to do anything I don't want to do. Of course, on the odd occasion this isn't a bad thing, the binge, but when it's an every free day off kind of thing, not good for mind, body, spirit or productivity.

Greater self understanding is inspiring. How to best work with our self is an absolute game changer 🙂