Damage to therapeutic relationship :(

[Teaandpugsleys]

Hey everyone, newbie here! I was hoping to gather a few opinions on how to work with damage to a therapeutic relationship.

I've been seeing my current psychologist on a weekly basis for a bit over two years. I also saw her for about six months when I was ten. (I'm now in my mid twenties) In between the time I saw her, I became extremely unwell with generalised anxiety disorder, Anorexia Nervosa and depression, which was triggered by my brain being so starved. After years of inadequate treatment (mostly inpatient) and getting a little better on my own, I went back to my current psychologist, who has been an excellent fit for me ever since and I have become more well, confident and happy than I have ever been.

However, after about a year of treatment, during times of extreme distress in sessions, my psychologist let me sit next to her chair on the ground and she may put her hand on my shoulder. I'd become very childlike and want to be close to her. Sometimes she'd give me a hug if I asked.

But at the beginning of this year, she told me she this couldn't happen any more. She was very diplomatic in explaining why (she was fulfilling a caregiving role outside of her role as my psychologist, meeting needs that can't be met in therapy, my personal connection to her getting in the way of our work, etc)

At the time, I had a fairly dramatic meltdown that resulted in a trip to the ER. The following week was hell with massive surges in emotion like I had never felt. But I eventually settled and got back to an equilibrium. Only I've noticed that I'm definitely feeling different in regard to my psychologist. I don't feel anywhere near as close to her. I don't feel much emotion in her presence any more, whereas I used to feel a sense of safety and care. I logically know she still cares for me, but emotionally, I just feel empty. I'm able to still work with her on my issues on a rational, much more distanced level but I miss the warmth that was once there. I had to see a different psychologist within the same clinic today due to my usual one being away and the difference was made very clear. I could feel the one I saw today (who I've seen a few times before) was much more open with me and it helped me feel safe and supported. My usual psych is now so closed by comparison and so am I 😞 I feel I may be somewhat guarding and protecting myself from her emotionally. I never thought I would feel the need to do that. Help? Opinions? Thanks.

-Teaandpugsleys

[pipsy]

Hi there. Oh dear, you got too emotionally dependant on your psych so she basically had to pull the pin. It's actually rather good she did this. What's so sad is that she let the relationship develop as far as it did. I'm thinking perhaps you didn't have a close relationship with your parents, or you don't have parents. When your psych tried to make you feel easier about seeing her, you transferred your emotions to her. This happens more than you think. I'm so sorry for your sake you are so starved for affection. You had gotten to know her, you obviously felt very comfortable, felt you could tell her anything without fear of retribution. Does this new psych know about your connection to your previous psych? The emptiness you describe is the same as mourning and you need to actually grieve. You're hurting and angry, you need to recognize these emotions in order to get past them. I would tell your new psych how you feel and ask her to help you 'let go'. I also feel you feel rejected, you haven't been, but emotionally you feel that, quite understandable. You've done nothing wrong, your psych made the mistake of letting you get so attached. You're going to have to be totally honest and tell your new psych what happened. You won't get into trouble, but the more your new psych knows and understands the more she'll be able to help you work through your mixed feelings.

[Jmorris]

Practice looking for then accept those invisible boundaries. I used to go to this coffee shop and sit all day, Id feel at home, the staff all thought of me as part of the furniture(there was always a high turnover of staff) anyway I would sometimes feel some staff were ignoring me and Id get upset and ignore them back. Eventually I asked one of the female staff to see a movie..... well that changed everything. ( at least in my mind) eventually I stopped going there I believe i left on bad terms.

In hind sight the Key points here were: I was always a customer.( A loyal one but still a customer)

Most of the time when I was upset with them It was exaggerated by my OWN feeling of depression and anxiety not really warranted by anything the staff did. I mean THEY are at work, busy with chores and here I am no job drinking coffee all day expecting them to be friends and fill in my days. a bit much I think now.

My point is, I had to accept the world didn't turn around me & not jump to the first conclusion that came to mind. Im not a needy person but when i am, needs have to met NOW!it seems... but thats a bit misguided I see that now. That helps to stop me being upset at moments when I THINK i've been ignored.

[White_Rose]

Dear T&P

Hello. Welcome to Beyond Blue. Before I write more, please tell me what a pugsley is? It sounds intriguing.

It's hard when you feel rejected or let down, especially when you feel you have become close to someone. I understand how the apparent care from the previous psych made you comfortable and relaxed. And it is sad she let this continue for too long. I imagine she feels as badly as you do. However, you did get through plenty of issues prior to this and the disruption in your therapy does not negate this.

Do you think it would be easier to see a different psych, perhaps the one who talked to you to you recently. I find I need to feel safe with the psych otherwise I just will not talk about the issues that impinge on my life.

You said you had become childlike at times. I know there are times when I feel like a child and would like some care. But we grow out of that stage and start to manage our own lives. Is it possible the previous psych feels you have reached the stage of managing yourself and wants you to take on that responsibility? Unfortunately this mean s fewer hugs or other forms of physical contact. Perhaps a handshake at the end of a session?

It's sad that we cannot hold each other to give comfort. It is such a natural thing to do. But unfortunately the world does not see it in this way and your psych needs to protect you both. Pipsy has suggested you talk about this with a new psych and I think this would be a good idea. You need to get it sorted in your mind, although from what you have written, it sounds as though you have done most of this.

Thank this psych for all the help she has given you and move away. That way you will have pleasant memories of each other and you can learn more about yourself and your needs.

I think it is very helpful to people to write in here and talk or vent their feelings. Please take advantage of this and write in often. We are here to help you.

Mary

[Teaandpugsleys]

Thank you very much for your time and responses. They were all very helpful and insightful. Very comforting to know I’m not alone when reaching out. 🙂

A lot of what’s been said has rung some bells for me. I know my inner child self definitely saw my psych as a second mum. My father was the cause of a lot of trauma for me when he booted me out of his life at thirteen (which also lost me my connection to my two half-brothers) and my mother has been dealing with severe depression and abuse trauma since my early childhood. So neither parent was able to be stable, emotionally present and available for me. My experience with my psych was definitely my deepest and most intimate connection to what I largely missed out on, which is probably why having it taken away was so soul-shattering. I do wonder why she let the closeness continue for as long as it did if she was ultimately going to rip it out from under my feet…. She’s been a psych for thirty years. It’s not like transference would have been new territory for her 😞

I think I may take up the option of discussing the matter with the other psych I saw. I have flirted with the idea of making a permanent transition to her, but I don’t feel I’m in a place where that option is clearly presenting as the better one. That’s something I’d need to feel very sure about before undertaking. Talking to her about my current issue might be a good place to start with navigating that option. Interestingly, my current psych has been quite resistant to talking about what happened between her and I. She reviewed treatment goals and jumped head-first into that by the following week, shifting into a much more clinical stance and disregarding what I felt was an obvious need to discuss what had happened. I do feel as though she hasn’t given justice to how much she’s hurt me. My main concern at this point is finding a way to get my spark back again. I’ve been carrying around a bit of blankness and emptiness since late January. The heaviness of it has faded but my joy hasn’t returned. I feel as though I’m in an emotional no-man’s land.

[Teaandpugsleys]

Oh, and White Rose, a pugsley is an affectionate term for a pug dog! I'm owned by two of them. Cutesy pug names are in no short supply in my home! Snorty, Sneezebucket, Snuffles, etc. Even though my two are named Henry and Crystal, they tend to respond to their rhyming names Snortis and Tortoise a lot more these days. I feel I need a poster of the Mad Hatter in our house somewhere that quotes "We're all mad here!"

[White_Rose]

Good to hear from you again. I love the dogs names. You will find many people here have pets, mostly dogs but a few cats. There was always a dog and/or a cat at home when I was growing up and when I moved to my own home. Sadly I am without any four footed friends at this time.

I'm not sure what the ethical reasons are for your first psych to not talk to you about your relationship. I suspect she feels it is better to have a more formal one and talking about the old relationship may not only trigger stuff for you but may let the old one creep in. She may feel the whole topic is too emotional now and wants some distance before she talks about it any more.

Great that you are going to talk to the new psych about this. She will not be able to explain her colleagues reasons and neither will she be able to discuss it with the colleague as this would be a breach of your privacy. I also feel it would alter your relationship with the new person if the two psychs got together. Just talk about the effect the whole thing had on you and how you can manage in the future. You could copy and print your first post here to introduce the topic.

You are describing the natural way grief affects us about anything. It's good you are no longer upset and emotional, but there will be a period of blankness. I am sorry this has happened to you, but on the upside, you have got more insight into your own needs, and this is also good. It's sad that at times we can only learn from our own pain, but try to take the positives with you.

May I ask a personal question? The tone of your posts suggest your are female, but I am unsure. Of course there is no reason you need to tell me. I am merely curious, partly to see if I am correct.

You could make yourself a poster and hang it up. Include a picture, either hand drawn or photo, of yourself and the dogs. Love the caption.

Mary