Confused - to stay or go?

[golden82]

Hi; I would appreciate some responses to help me clear my confusion and make a decision re a psychologist.

I have experienced childhood abuse/trauma and this has continued and worsened in some ways in adulthood. It was my family and I knew no different and so just thought that was my life. BUT the last 7-10 years I have had severe anorexia and anxiety, depression, insomnia. It is no life and very little functioning - especially when I look back 10 years ago to my high functioning, 'happy' self. I have only recently self-learned and connected that all these illnesses I have are due to the abuse/trauma of my 37 years..and I need some serious trauma therapy.

I have been seeing a psychologist for 4 years - approx 1-2 monthly. I have not seen her since December last year - due to hospital stays and then COVID. I am due to see her this week...BUT....my question to everyone is to please help me either stay with her or go to another??

I have been going for the 4 years and my mental health has seriously declined in this time. But then I think well that is my fault - I am not trying hard enough? But then I also have this niggling feeling that she is not trying enough to help me (maybe lazy??) So my brain is messed up flip flopping between the 2 and in limbo of what to do - and so much self doubt of what to do.

I don't feel I get much out of the sessions. Every time she makes herself a cup of tea and sits sipping and scribbling notes on the iPad with occasionally looking up and often yawns (tries to hide it). She forgets some major things - including my anxiety/agitation at her pen scratching note taking - and asking her to be present and engaging. It is mainly me rambling about how my time has been since I saw her last..so just a chat session. We do not do any strategies or techniques etc. I have asked about EMDR and things but we just have 'talk therapy'.

She is kind and 'comfortable' as in I don't have to up and start again with someone new. She 'knows' me so I don't have to talk it all through again. But then maybe someone new will do the work with me or something to help unpack all this hurt and consequences it has on me in midlife. Does that sort of therapist even exist? Then it would be worth it - to have some outcomes and getting 'better'. What is the normal for psychology 50min sessions are all just a chat? Or do others do steps and make progress?

12mo ago I got 50/50 for the K10 and she never followed up - making me think all admin and not therapy? Thanks

[P0L0]

Hello golden82,

I do not have much experience in what you are talking about, so I hope other people can step forward and share their stories.

You are right in stating that this is a complicated situation. You may feel like you want to stay, wishing that it will help. But also, you may feel as if they are not helping. You should do what you believe you would derive more benefit from. Do you believe your current psychologist will not help you in the future, or do you believe you might be making progress with her? Or could it be better to find a psychologist that may understand you more and would thus benefit your mental health more?

Primarily, you should talk to your psychologist about whether you feel like changing therapies to something that might be more effective for you. Perhaps, if she wishes to not change, it may be better for you to change psychologists. It boils down to finding the most benefit for YOU. Therefore, if you are not gaining benefit from your current psychologist's method, and might actually be going backwards, then you may want to see another psychologist to ensure your mental health improves.

Happy to talk more!

P0L0

[therising]

Hi golden82

I feel for you so much as you work through the overwhelming challenges that were given to you in life. Wish I was there to give you a massive hug by the way.

I suppose the question is 'Why did you start seeing your therapist?' I imagine the answer to be 'To make a difference in my life'. Is she making a difference? Perhaps you may say the difference is depressing, if she's helping you unlock certain aspects regarding your past experiences and the unlocking process is bringing you down. It would make sense that this be balanced with a positive difference, such as with revealing how these things have shaped you. The positive difference would come down to you having a better understanding of yourself and your behaviour. Have you found yourself more confused than ever, throughout this process? If this is the case, then the process is highly questionable, which is what has possibly led you to question it. Good on you.

Question her. Figure out what you want to question her about. If you were to sit down and write a list, you might be surprised as to how many questions you actually have. You might even be left thinking 'Wow, these are really good questions. I can't believe I haven't thought of a lot of these before'. If you feel she's wasting your time, she possibly is. So, the challenge becomes starting all over again, with someone new. Are you up for the challenge, if you decide to accept it? It could be a mission well worth accepting if your goal is overall progress and greater self understanding.

You deserve results golden82. You deserve to know yourself in the most amazing and liberating of ways. You deserve progress and the excitement that comes with it.

Take care 🙂

[golden82]

Dear P0L0 & therising;

Thank you both so very much for your thought-out replies. They have helped my scattered mind more than you know. I have my apt tomorrow and so plan to go - but with a list (or at least a few) Qs for her to see where we are going - and express how I feel so far got nowhere in the 4 yrs. And what we can do to change that - what can we do differently I suppose - what she can offer me. See what happens. And then maybe give it 3-4 sessions (more frequently) to see if there is any change to how our sessions go. If not, then I think I would be better to look elsewhere - even though it means effort and change, but as you both say it has to be for me. And I feel that my apts have been more a cruisy 'comfortable' chat session for her (and me) with no direction or progress.

Thank you both so much again - I have gone from being in a state of confusion and feeling helpless, to having a little plan for my apt tomorrow and then into the coming apts.

Best wishes to you both 🙂

[White_Rose]

Hello Golden

I see you have not posted here for a couple of weeks. Your last post was pretty positive which makes me hope you have found your way a little. We would love to know how you are going.

Mary

[Guest_1643]

hey there golden
i've got a fair bit of experience with this, i had a very lazy therapist and i deterioated over this time. The therapist wasn't good with trauma. Said he was, but his approach was so simplistic sometimes i was shocked ...

I just wanted to empower you that if you feel something is off to listen to it. It's not so okay for the therapist to be yawning and distracted on the ipad, in my opinion. Keep listening and feeling your way through this - you are a very perceptive and wise one, so i'd trust yourself

[golden82]

Hi Mary & Sleepy,

Thank you both for replying and checking-in. Well, I went to my apt with her - back in mid July..and well straight away I knew it was over. She had not seen me for 7 months (since before Christmas last year), and so much has happened during this time for everybody regardless. But she knows (or should know) that Christmas and family times such as Easter, birthdays are extremely painful and difficult times for me to 'get through'. Also with Covid everyone is super stressed - on top of pre-existing stress. And if she knows me - she should know I am always highly anxious and even though I sit still and move slow, my mind is always racing and feels as though I am bouncing off the walls.

But she did her usual oh hello, i'll just make myself a cup of tea and then we will head in...and she does this, waddles into the room, and proceeds in the usual way of getting out the ipad and taking a breath - long time no see, how have things been? WTF - I have endured another Christmas, and Easter and Covid and my own 3 mo period in hospital Dec-Feb where I nearly died NYE in ICU!! It just made me roll my eyes in my head (not actually did this as I wanted to be polite). But I realized this would be my last time there. It was just a chat with her scribbling notes - not helping in any way ie no interjections, no ideas/strategies, no techniques - just the occasional yawn or sigh of expression as in that is a tough time for you or something like that. I mean it is expressing kindness I guess - but I can get that from chatting to someone at the bus stop! At the end I asked her again about EMDR - she said she could try it (apparently she is trained in it). However, my mind was already made up. I will start afresh - as hard as that is. Find someone who does EMDR and hypnosis or CBT etc and see how they use their skills to help me. I believe my psych never once in 4 yrs used her skills - so either she not competent in them or just lazy and sitting back while I pour out stuff.

It is 'funny' a few of you reference going with your gut. I used to believe in that too - just always blame myself and 2nd guess myself. But I rang the receptionist there who is wonderful always and I asked her of my dilemma and did others get success with my psych and she obviously can't say much, but did say - you are intuitive, go with your intuition. So her words and this thread of voices have helped me not doubt myself so much. Thanks everybody 🙂

[therising]

Hi golden82

Glad you've come up with a solid plan you can have confidence in. For sure, will definitely be a challenge to start over again but just imagine clicking in the most amazing way with a new therapist. Like a dream come true or a wish finally granted.

I've mentioned to folk before how excited I am to have discovered what feels like a new 'super power'. Definitely sounds weird when I refer to intolerance as a super power. Personally, I can't believe how much intolerance has managed to liberate me. Sounds like it's liberated you too, having decided to break free from you current therapist. Based on your last post, you've finally met with complete and utter intolerance, regarding the lack of progress you've made. It's incredible how much we're able to tolerate until we just can't anymore. Change happens once we've decided we've had enough.

It's amazing how, when looking back, we can come to see just how much we have put up with from those around us. It's terrible to think folk have to tolerate abuse. It's just so wrong, in so many ways. My heart goes out to those who have survived intolerable conditions. Such people amaze me and have my deepest respect. It's my greatest desire that they are led to reform themselves in the most stunning and liberating of ways. This is my wish for you.

Again weird when I suggest what led me to my realisation about intolerance was wonder. I have a friend who has a habit of 'my way or the highway' kind of thinking. On one occasion, I'd decided I'd had enough. What came to mind was 'I wonder what would happen if I just didn't care if I upset them. I wonder if I can just say how I feel without thinking', so I went for it. I didn't allow thinking to get in the way of what I really wanted to say. I did think a little I admit. I thought 'You gotta put a bit of a filter on this'. It went kinda like this, 'I can no longer tolerate the fact that you never really listen to what I have to say, what means something to me. You dismiss my feelings simply because they don't suit you. You know what, you can be pretty thoughtless and selfish at times'. golden82, by the time I was done, I thought 'Where the heck did that come from?' It was wondering about the freedom to be myself that led me to become more myself.

Intuition and wonder are a powerful combo. While intuition may come in the form of 'You know it's time to move on from this therapist', wondering about the next one, who's going to make all the difference, can be inspiring.

🙂

[quince]

Hey golden,

This sounds like a very difficult decision, and well done for coming up with a solid plan. Have you managed to tell your psychologist you are wanting to finish with her? Honestly, from your description, she does sound pretty lazy. Yawning and not asking questions/offering any kind of treatment/techniques does not seem at all helpful, and probably not worth your time and money. I sometimes need to remind myself that I am paying for a service with a psychologist. Literally giving them money on the assumption that they will help me in the ways I need. It seems a little callous, but we are consumers and really hold the power here.

I have seen eight psychologists/counsellors over the past 10 years, and though it's really annoying to have to repeat your story and build trust, I think it is really worth the effort to find someone who you have a really good rapport with.

I really wish you all the best golden. I hope you can find someone who is able to use their skills to help you in the ways you need.

x quince

[golden82]

Hi again therising,

Thank you! And all i can say is wow! Nothing i word can give credit to how amazing and deeply insightful all your posts are - always. Just thank you. You are obviously helpful and supportive but there is just something about your posts (I'm not sure what) that inspires me? Or at least i know that whenever i see a post of yours, regardless of the topic, i just have to read it. You put so much time into the help you give.. and whilst right now my anorexia and depression and anxiety are limiting me from being where i want to be, therefore i am not taking in your words of wisdom anywhere near as much as i could otherwise. But they show me the sparkle of magic that could be in my world if i was well (or better). So whilst it is hard to see what you want and it is so out of reach.. it is still a glimmer. It is a lot of work to even get to a new psychologist, let alone all the work with her.. and even if she is a good fit or do i have to keep trying;but at the end of all that effort i would one day aspire to be as inspiring as you. Many thanks 🙂