Dear Stef
I wrote a reply to you early this morning but then the web site told me there had been an error and lost my post. I will now try to recreate my response.
CBT and positive thinking are different things. I do not believe positive thinking can solve your problems as far as depression etc is concerned. To me it's like knowing you have a broken leg and trying to convince yourself you can still walk on it without pain and without doing further damage. Really not possible. For your leg to heal you need an x-ray to find the extent of the problem, proper treatment to set the bone, probably have your leg in plaster or similar and use crutches to get around.
None of this can be achieved by telling yourself you are OK. You cannot see your leg heal, which is why you have regular checkups and you need physio while your leg heals and afterwards. So translate this to recovery from mental illness. It's the same process.
Positive thinking is part of CBT. You need to be positively engaged in the process, willing to work hard and not give up because you cannot see improvements. Sometimes you are so close to the problem that changes are hard to see, but the person helping you, psych, counsellor etc, can see what is happening, hence the continued treatments/meetings. So you need to believe them just as you would the doctor managing your leg injury.
Trying to force yourself to believe anything is hard work, especially if you have no help or encouragement. It's also hard work if what you are trying to believe is untrue such as "I believe my boyfriend cares about me", despite all the evidence to the contrary. All the positive thinking will not make him care.
So having thoroughly depressed you, but not I hope overwhelmed you, may I say I applaud your intention to get well. But please be realistic. Go to a psychologist or similar and learn CBT. It's a really great process if taught properly. Learning from a book may well work, but getting skilled help is so much easier.
I hope you will continue to write in here.
Mary
