Cant shake the feeling of guilt

[Loco_]

Hi All,

I've been seeing my psychologist since April roughly around once a month so far due to scheduling issues. Recently we moved to fortnightly sessions as we identified that a monthly sessions just weren't working. The session before last she offered to schedule an appointment for the late December just before Christmas as my next appointment wasn't until the new year. I said that I should be okay, mostly because I feel that I need to demonstrate that I can cope alone.

 At my last session I asked right at the beginning if we could schedule an extra appointment as I was coping very well. She said she had planned to phone me during the break, but we can make an extra appointment if I feel I need it. At the end of the session she gave me a gift, something small and meaningful, that I could use to remind of our work together during the holiday period. I was walked out the session she asked me again if I felt I needed the appointment or if a phone call would suffice. I said I would take the appointment if it didn't inconvenience her, and the appointment was scheduled.

Now I'm so anxious. I feel really guilty. I know that the appointment is during her usual non-contact time, as are my next two appointments after that (only way we could do fortnightly sessions for now). I feel like I'm draining her resources, when there are other patients who likely need that time too. I feel guilty because she tried to do what she could to make the break easier (offering a phone call and the transitional object) but I still asked for the session. I feel like I'm being way too needy.

I thought about calling her office when she's in next (only works there 2 days a week) and talking to her about this, but that causes more anxiety as I feel contacting her only makes me seem even more needy. My next appointment is Christmas Eve which will be great because family and social events are a huge trigger for me, so this time of year sucks. However, I feel like I should cancel because of the anxiety and guilt around being needy. I worry if I cancel that she will just assume I'm doing okay and then I will feel let down when I don't hear from her.

Has anyone else every experienced these kinds of thoughts and feelings within the therapeutic relationship, and how did you manage them?

[JessF]

Hello Loco, well, probably not guilt quite to the extent that you describe, but certainly yes I can understand and relate to thinking that my problems aren't big enough for me to be seeking professional help, and feelings of inadequacy around being able to sort out problems on my own.  It's all part of anxiety and depression!  It's an awful illness that works to entrench and camouflage itself by trying to convince you that you shouldn't seek help, and this feeling is often strongest when you feel your worst.

My bit of advice for you would be to discuss this anxiety with your therapist. If this is such a big trigger for you, then it is worth exploring, because it goes to the heart of your self-esteem and perhaps feeling that you aren't worthy of being helped.

In my experience psychologists are very good with their professional boundaries, and she would not have offered these appointments to you if they weren't truly available.  They are generally very good with their own self-care, they have to be, or they'd burn out quickly. 

But as I suggested, bring these feelings up at your next appointment, because the guilt and the anxiety about feeling needy is all part of what you need to work through.

[Chicken_Wings]

Hey Loco,

I've felt that before. I was seeing my psychologist once a week and even then I would still call her having an anxiety attack. Afterwards I would feel so silly and bad for bothering her when she has other patients to deal with.
But she always returned my calls, she always helped me and I always felt better afterwards. 

My boyfriend sees a psychologist who doesn't work Fridays... except for his appointment with my boyfriend, he comes into the office just for him. I think this is sort of how these sorts of professionals are. They do it because they want to help, that's why they got into it in the first place.

If your psych wasn't happy to have the appointment, she wouldn't have offered it. 
Be glad that you've found a professional who you connect with and feel safe talking to you. It makes all the difference.