Ask Dr Kim | Archived live chats

[Chris_B]

Good afternoon everyone, Dr Kim is here and we're ready to start.

Welcome Kim, our first question is below:

I am a 23 year old female with contamination-focused OCD. Do you have any advice about how I could deal with anxiety over my boyfriend's health? He is the only person I kiss and share drinks with, which means that if he does get sick, I will be likely to get infected. I really love and care about him, so the anxiety is not just about fear of contracting germs and illness, but also wanting him to be healthy and well.

[Chris_B]

Our last question for the day is a tough one from a single mum:

I'm a single mum and my son is a wonderful boy who just turned 7. I am desperately disappointed with myself and my life. I am consumed by feelings of regret about having my son. I feel that having him was the wrong choice and if I had my time again I would have aborted him. Growing up I never wanted to be a mother. I can honestly say that I had no feelings of desire for children whatsoever.

There is no one I can talk to. I feel extremely guilty because of my feelings about my son. But the truth is that if I didn’t have him, I could have pursued the career that I wanted. Instead I am stuck here. I feel like I am just running down the clock and waiting for the time to pass. I feel like I am wasting the last of my youth. I feel like there is nothing to be happy about. I feel like a worthless failure who has messed up everything for my son. I feel no one cares and no one can help me. Does it get better?

[Dr_Kim]

I think our community glamorises motherhood and sells us a message that everybody instantly loves being a mother and it’s immediately fulfilling for all.

I like the way you describe your son as a wonderful boy, and that to me is a positive because it seems to me like you don’t demonise or blame him.

On the other hand, one of the problems is that you do blame yourself. Being a single mother is an incredibly hard task, and the fact that you feel no-one cares, and you feel helpless must be incredibly difficult.

You talk about regrets and the desire to go back and do things differently. I wonder if you might want to think about this not being the story of your life, but working on creating a different story for yourself. Maybe you could think about creating a story of a woman who made a choice, had some difficult times, had some setbacks, but then overcame. I’m not trying to simplify the obstacles in your path, but I want to provide you with a sense of hope for more than just one story or journey that you seem to feel you are on.

Is it possible that you may still have a career that you enjoy in the future? Is it possible that you might come to enjoy motherhood in a way that you had never imagined at this point? Is it possible that you may be happy and fulfilled and feel cared for one day?

It does concern me that you say you have nothing to be happy about. You haven’t spoken about whether you have been to see any health professionals, but it may be worthwhile checking in to see whether you have depression, or may need some support from a counsellor, support group, or a doctor to aid you.

You end your post with a question, does it get better? I can only hope that reflects some glimmer of hopefulness in you that there’s a possibility that it may. I am always hopeful that for everyone, there is an opportunity to be their best self with some caring, nurturing and someone to help them on their journey.

[Chris_B]

Good afternoon everyone, Dr Kim is here with us for another week. Let's get straight into it with a question about bipolar disorder:

Can an auto-immune disease trigger bipolar disorder? And if yes, would the bipolar disappear once the auto-immune disease is cured?

[Dr_Kim]

Hi everyone, nice to be back! Interesting question first up.

There seems to be a lot of interest and research around the links between autoimmune disease and mental illness at the moment. My understanding is that the connections are not defined as yet and nothing is certain but it is certainly possible that sometime in the future we will be more definitive about these links.

As things stand today, I don’t think most doctors would be game enough to say definitively “yes “ or “no” as an answer to your question, but probably just a “maybe”… Either way, in my experience of triggers, once the illness is established, it doesn’t necessarily go away even when the "trigger “ factor has resolved .

An example of this is the triggering of Psychosis with marijuana smoking. Sometimes, after the person stops all drugs and stays on treatment , the symptoms resolve. But other times , the psychosis continues even though the person doesn’t continue taking drugs.

[Chris_B]

Our next question is about an unwanted third person in a relationship:

Hello Dr Kim I really hope you can help me . my partner worked with a woman who seemed to develop a crush on him. She would ring him almost every night for hours on end. She would ask if I was up before she started the dirty talk.

Here's the thing....he seemed to be happier in her company than mine. I would spend nights alone on the lounge while he was at the computer either chatting to her on text or ringing her I spoke to him about this and he said its all in my head ,that its my anxiety. But my gut feeling is there was am affair going on.

She already has a man but she wants mine too.Please help me as I love him dearly . this woman has labelled me a control freak,a user and a moll

[Dr_Kim]

Hi there. Thank you for letting us into your difficult situation.

I’m going to start this discussion with a brief and very basic understanding of the development of self-esteem. When we are very little, we have little or no “gut feeling , we rely on others (usually mum and/or dad) to tell us whether we are good or bad or whether a situation is ok or not. Gradually via our parents or guardians , we learn that we ARE good and worthy by repeated praise and validation.

Conversely , if we don’t get that regular emotional nurturing, we are not sure , and may struggle to be able to check into that inside voice that tells us if we are ok or not, and remain dependant on external sources.

SO, back to you…. I wonder if you have a mixture of feelings here.. a small “gut feeling” that is telling you things like “Hey! This isn’t right! You deserve to be treated with more respect! You deserve to be listened to respectfully by your partner!” However, you also have a part of you that is stuck on external sources to tell you if you are ok or not.

So when he tells you that “it’s all in your head” and she says that you are a “control freak”, you are used to relying on other’s assessment of you rather than trusting your own inner voice, so part of you isn’t sure whether to believe it or not.

Well, my advice is to really check in with the inner positive voice inside . The one that tells you who your best self is and how you wish to behave to others and will allow others to behave to you. Don’t listen to others telling you as they may have hidden agendas, either conscious or unconscious.

Trust yourself and that lovely “gut feeling” of yours. I suspect it’s your guide to making good decisions for yourself.

[Chris_B]

Our next question is from a person concerned about their friend's eating behaviours:

My friend chews and spits. She eats huge quantities of food (I'm talking a packet of chips, lollies, cake cookies.). She does it about 1-4 times a week. I'm concerned it is a form of bulimia but she things otherwise. What damage could this be doing to her physical health (besides dental)? She things her health is safe as she doesn't purge but I'm really concerned.

[Dr_Kim]

Chewing and spitting IS a type of eating disorder and indicates to me that what you see is the “tip of the iceberg”. I suspect that under the behaviour is hours and hours of thoughts about food and her body that may be consuming your friend. The chewing and spitting in itself is probably not an immediate health issue as long as she is taking care of her teeth and also not restricting her diet, abusing laxatives or taking appetite suppressant medications or drugs etc.

More of an issue is probably the type of obsessional thinking that can accompany this type of behaviour. As in, the person can become quite single minded about planning and executing the feeding/spitting episodes and eventually may become quite upset about being such a slave to their own thoughts and behaviours. It may also deteriorate into more disordered behaviour and cause long term problems with people’s relationship with healthy diet and eating.

Unfortunately, I don’t actually think there is much you can do to make her get assessed or get help if she is in complete denial. I would make it clear that you are not complicit in her view that her behaviour is Ok and you are concerned, but you don’t judge her and want to help her if she ever feels she is ready.

[Chris_B]

Our next question is from someone who feels they're getting worse despite therapy:

I have been in therapy for depression for 20 years. I've tried most types of therapy for my severe depression and anxiety. I feel like I've got to a point that I'm now wasting my time and professionals time. I'm not getting any better. I feel like I'm getting worse. I'm in a regional area which means some a lot of therapies aren't available to me. CBT, ACT, mindfulness etc, they all help to a certain extent but I'm getting to old to be crying every day because I feel so helpless. Any suggestions? Many thanks.

[Dr_Kim]

I feel so sorry that you feel at a dead end with your therapy options. I assume that you have tried medications. If not, please talk to your GP or get a referral to a psychiatrist for a second opinion if you have had trouble with medications in the past. The other things to not discount are the “life style factors”.

More and more studies are showing that exercise is really effective for treatment of depression. So maybe start with even 10 minutes, 3 times a week and build up to 30-40 minutes, 3-4 times per week. Other things to look at are good diet and sleep routines .

Also I would make sure that you have SOMETHING to do each day. It is important to have some sense of purpose in order to feel better. I am unsure of your life stage or circumstance and whether you work or not, but some work, even volunteering might be of value.

I know it always feels insurmountable to feel like you can get out of your home to do ANYTHING when you are depressed but again studies have shown that a sense of purpose, especially doing things for others, actually aids depression. I know some of my patients found enormous solace in places like the Men's Shed or local sports clubs or RSLs (Maybe the Dalai Lama is onto something!)