Anxiety Group Therapy Bullying

[biscotti81]

I recently joined up an anxiety group therapy program of say 10 people suffering anxiety who attend on a weekly basis, run by a psychologist, who share their struggles with anxiety, together with the facilitator discussing different topics each week.

I suffer from Generalised Anxiety Disorder, social anxiety and major depression plus chronic illness/pain. It was a big step for me to go along to the group.

I suffer from a great deal of social anxiety in groups. As the weeks have gone by, it became apparent that most of the members suffered from anxiety however on the lower end of the spectrum. I being the only one with an anxiety disorder.

Fair enough. I usually speak when asked and offer my comments when I feel up to it, however mostly am quiet during the sessions. Social anxiety causes me to freeze in group situations like these. This together with my pain levels and body tremors, make things a little difficult.

There is another lady attending the group sessions who I noticed last week was rolling her eyes and smirking at others and the leader whenever I said anything. This then made people react, which made me turn around and look at her, and she would quickly change her demeanour.

Today, while I was having a particularly bad day and became quiet emotional in the group, expressing my frustration and some of my struggles with anxiety, some other members shared their stories also and displayed empathy. It was then that another member offered to be a support person for me and this lady rolled her eyes and smirked at this other lady which made her stop and look at her, which made me turn around and realise she was engaging in this behaviour. She continued to do this to others while talking to me and the group facilitator also.At break time, I got up and went to outside and then returned after a few minutes. Upon entering the room again, I overheard her say "Oh, she probably went to ......." in a snide way. It was then that I lost it.

I turned around and said to the facilitator thank you however I'm leaving the group. I then turned around to this lady and said "I can see you rolling your eyes at me and others and smirking. You are a bitch, a bully and a narcissist"

I then stormed out in tears, the facilitator followed me, saying that I was very inappropriate, that I should leave. I told her that if she witnessed this, why did she allow it to continue and why should I pay for the remainder of the therapy (which is stipulated in their consent form x4)

[white knight]

Hi and welcome

I think you did well and its a shame it got to that point.

I'd like to suggest you view communication with ithers as a "fluid" thing. Meaning, people will come and go throughout your life as you weave your way through the labyrinth of groups and individuals. Engaging more with those we get empathy and warmth from and put aside those with judgemental attitudes.

However, a quality we can all do with is one my first wife mastered. Ignoring. If you could ignore that narcissistic person rolling her eyes, her comments behind your back etc, then she would not claim a scalp with her attitude.

I've only learned to do this recently in my 60 years. If I was in your situation when I first saw her roll her eyes I'd say "I saw you roll your eyes" and later "I heard that" so a quick short comment.

That way you make her accountable for her unacceptable attitude but if you continue to talk ignoring her you are sending a message you are unaffected by her rock throwing.

But well done in standing your ground.

Find another group.

Tony WK

[Lost_Girl]

Hi bicotti81,

I'm sorry you went through that. In addition to Tony's reply, another good method is to acknowlege it at the time and ask them why. "Excuse me, why did you roll your eyes just then? It made me feel uncomfortable". Just keep asking them each time it happens, it makes them accountable for the action.

I would look for a new group. Have a look at some of the threads under the anxiety section too. You may find some stories you can relate to and find some support here.

Kind thoughts,

Carol

[biscotti81]

Thanks so much for your reply white knight. The reason why it affected me so much is because my mother is a malignant narcissist. I suffered from additional trauma last year and was diagnosed with PTSD, so things like this are triggered for me. I need to follow your advice and learn to adopt those strategies in the future. It angered me also that in this so called "safe place" this behaviour was arising and this individual thought it was acceptable.

[biscotti81]

Thank you Carol. I need to learn and practice this in the future. Assertiveness is not my forte

[Lost_Girl]

Hi biscotti,

I understand. Just remind yourself that you are your own best friend in situations like that. If you say nothing then you will feel horrible so try and take the risk and ask the question. I have done it a number of times some for me, some for others. The person doing it backs down pretty quickly. It is actually quite empowering. Such disgraceful behaviour in what should be a safe place.

I'm glad you've come here though, all the people I have spoken to here have been wonderful.

[Cornstarch]

I think you're so brave attempting to do groups if you have the supreme joy of having a narcissistic parent in your up-brining. Trying to describe what that feels like to a person that has not experienced that is like speaking in Japanese. My father was a consummate professional of narcissism. When you’re a baby and a little kid and you have a brain like Play-dough, a narcissistic parent is like shoving your head inside of a washing machine or
being dumped at the beach in really really deep water. You don’t know which way is up, which way is down. Am I a good person, or am I ‘bad’ just like they say I am. Am I truly that bad? Really? No-one feels pain like they feel pain. No-one suffers like they suffer. He was so extreme that the health professionals that have crossed paths with my siblings and I over the years simply cannot figure out how on earth we escaped without developing Borderline Personality Disorder as a result of his tirade, or any personality disorder for that matter. They’ve said to us that we defy science. Even though I get so frustrated with my PTSD I know that I am so blessed considering my personal history. It makes me really angry that you have been put through that. Mother wounds are torturous things to have. But they are workable and you can have love in your life. It brings up a lot of raw sadness because it’s not universal, some people get amazing parents. And some people don’t. It’s so clichéd to say don’t beat yourself up for storming out, but maybe you could just observe that situation from some distance now and go, “yep, there goes my father/mother wound for the 90th time today. I am so sad for that little girl”. And just have a cry if it's an appropriate place to do so. I put my hand on my heart when my parent wounds arise and I just say to my younger self in my own internal dialogue. “I am so sad for you. Just hold this space. There is not need to fix it. I believe in you”.

[white knight]

Hi again

Cornstarch, how well said.

Biscotti thanks fir returning.

To both of you if you Google the following you might learn a little more about you parent.

Witch hermit queen waif

I too had a undiagnosed narcissistic mother. When I read the above web site things fell into place. I haven't seen my mother for 6 years. And don't intend to such is the harm done.

Finally. If you google "children if borderline mothers" or children if narcissistic parents" you'll come across all sorts if mental illnesses that we can suffer.

This us a very good thread. It shows how bullying in sneaky ways can have such hurtful results. It can make us run away, reject society and lick our wounds that take forever to heal.

You were bullied. It was unacceptable. As Lost Girl wisely suggested, make them accountable as much as you can.

Great to see you here

Tony WK

[Cornstarch]

Thanks Tony. I know this is just my opinion and I'm not a mental health expert in any way but I think BPD should be scrapped from the DSM or at the very least re-named. What a ridiculous name. It is harming and hurting people even more than they have been hurt and harmed already. It insults their childhood and personalises it to the point where they just feel defective. I read in the paper ages ago, maybe about 18 months ago, that some mental health advocates are petitioning to have it changed because it is not an accurate description of the condition. To top it off and make it even more confusing for everyone, apparently you can have BPD with no history of child abuse and neglect. Why would a diagnostic system put both of those scenarios under the one banner and call it the same condition?

Yeah my siblings and I all have varying degrees of anxiety disorders as a result of our narcissistic parent and did not come out unscathed that's for sure. We all still struggle with any bullying, especially at work if it is inflicted by an authority figure. My younger sibling had an incident recently where she was spoken to aggressively in front of all her colleagues by a domineering male and she started to shake and tears welled up in her eyes. She knew her childhood wounds were being triggered and the emotions she was having were out of context to the present situation, but she was triggered without wanting to be. That's what is so frustrating. She texted me at work crying saying "how can we be this old and it still hurts so much like we're little kids". I just said parent wounds are so primitive and raw we have to be kind to ourselves and welcome in love from other people and places.

I'm so sorry you have had to cut off your family. When I was younger and very idealistic I thought I could maintain a relationship with them no matter what, and that everyone should try until they are blue in the face simply because they are family. As I've gotten older I've realised that I just have to accept that it isn't possible and it is actually doing more harm than good. Narcissistic parents cannot meet their children's needs and they are impossible to communicate with. It is very painful. But you can still experience love and connection, and work through all the damage and come out the other side despite feeling wobbly at times when bosses yell at you in the office 😞

[biscotti81]

Your response resonated with me so deeply. I cried reading it. As you said, nobody knows what it feel like for a child to grow up without the love of their mother. I need to mourn more and acknowledge that little girl crying out and

yes, Tony, I will make them accountable and practice doing so.

Warm regards