Year 11 School Refusal & Mental Health

[Widowedmumof3]

Hi there,

Thank you for taking the time to read this.

My 16 year old daughter is struggling with school attendance.

Last term her attendance was under 50%. While she says she likes school, getting up and out the door in the morning is a real issue. She has great friends, although their attendance is not much better, and she will often not want to go as she doesn't want to be alone. I have been in contact with the school, who have been supportive, asking what she needs and what will help get her school. But thus far we have no answer.

I have tried to be supportive, encouraging,as I would do anything for her.  I drop her to school on my way to work, and my work has been really flexible in allowing me to do this. I would do anything to help her. I have suggested constantly if there is anyone she would like to speak with (other than me) a friend, family member, school, psychologist, but she has refused. I believe the period of schooling from home during Covid has not helped her in any way. Two weeks ago she came to me asking if she could go speak to a psychologist as she didn't want to feel this way anymore, and asked if she could get a mental health plan. From this the doctor suggested PTSD (her father passed away when she was 10), depression and anxiety. An appointment was made to see a psychologist for 2 weeks after (which was the earliest appointment we could get) receiving her mental health plan, but she decided the day of the appointment that she was "feeling better" and cancelled the appointment. I rang the psychologist, hoping for something I'm not sure what, but they said that as this was the first time they were seeing her they were sorry but there was nothing they could do. This occurred during school holidays, which I tried to explain to my daughter that this was why she was probably feeling better and that once school returned, there was a chance that those feelings of anxiousness would return; which has occurred previously. But she was insistent and refused, and the appointment cancelled. We are now week 1 of term 3 and she has not attended school for 3 days...her friends have not gone either - they seem to be having the same issues. I am at a loss. She asked if she could leave school, but then has stated that she knows she will regret leaving and she only has 1 year to go, so close yet it seems so far for her.

I suggested homeschooling, but she doesn't want to miss her final year with her friends, formals and finalising her schooling.

I don't know what to do. It breaks my heart to see her sitting in bed, I would do/try anything to help her, but I don't know what to do.

Are there any words of wisdom out there?

[therising]

Hi Widowedmumof3

I think about how incredibly challenging it must feel, in so many ways, to have lost your partner who was also the person who partnered you when it came to the way forward for your 3 kids. I consider my daughter's boyfriend, whose dad suddenly passed away last year, and how his mum faces the way forward with her 3 kids. Such a huge job, for the both of you to be raising 3 people to the kind of life they want and you want for them. I don't think we ever stop raising our kids, no matter their age or circumstances. It can be incredibly hard at times because the first time challenges they face are technically first time challenges for us too.

Wish I knew of some really good YouTubers who would be great guides for your daughter, ones who could help her see the way forward while also offering her some revelations about herself and what she's facing and feeling. While some on YouTube are highly questionable, others are truly brilliant. If you know of any or if there are any that come to mind for your daughter or anyone else you know, could be worth looking into a little further. If your daughter isn't ready for a psychologist, this could be a step in that direction.

While my 19yo son is on the verge of getting a job after having completed VCE last year, I can feel how lost he feels at the moment. I think it's because I'm familiar with that feeling myself. It's so hard when you see your child so lost. He's a kid who used to have a lot of energy but as a variety of challenges have come about over the years, he's lost a lot of his energy. This can become depressing for people to different degrees, a significant loss of energy. The focus at the moment is to increase his energy levels and see what happens as a result. He doesn't want to use the chemical energy in meds, he wants to try and do it naturally at this stage. Everyone's different. My 21yo daughter's currently experimenting with the right med and dosage for managing ADHD.

I'm not that crash hot on 'tough love', that's more so my brother's domain. He's brilliant at pushing people to rise to new challenges outside of their comfort zone. I know of a number of people he's managed to raise out of depression. I've found the challenge for me is to develop more of a tough love approach, as a guide and director. Actually, now that I think about it, the YouTubers my son appreciates most all have tough love approaches. While I would never (in a million years) be able to match David Goggin's approach, perhaps this is where one of the keys lie when it comes to unlocking the way forward for our kids. 'THIS IS WHAT YOU WILL DO AND YOU WILL DO IT NOW!' can sometimes be a better way than a gentle loving approach. I'm wondering whether your partner was the parent who had the tough love approach and this could be a missing element.

[Morning]

hi widowed mum of 3,
today my 16 year old went to school but rang me half way through the day, asking if it was ok if she went home. Apparently it was not a good day. She had an answer for everything i said, so I felt cornered and I caved. She won’t be gong tomorrow, as she has Tuesdays off now.

just over a year ago, she declared she would not use her birth name anymore and wanted to be known by a new name. I found that so hard to come around to. We had chosen that name for her . She wasn’t changing gender or anything but it was still huge,.

I have 3 adult children as well and parenting them was certainly different. They don’t even understand their younger siblings sometimes.

i offer to help my daughter with homework and she has reasons why I can’t. I try to be silly and muck around but that doesn’t  work either.

At the moment I just figure that she knows all of the things available to her, including me, and I jus need to step back and do something pos in my own life instead.

I’ll keep offering but I will be a good example of coping for her too. She knows where I am if she needs me. Maybe we need to give them some room to either show they’ve got this or find out that they don’t.

we can do some investigating of any other ways we work this situation. Information and education is priceless. And maybe some therapy for us. Lead by example. Self care is vital to deal with ongoing trials.

be kind to yourself. Your situation is a tough one but it can be lived through and into calmer waters. Keep your perspective. And maybe try a fam bush or beach walk? Being outdoors can help.

but more than anything..don’t give up

[Widowedmumof3]

Thank you for your response.

Yes, my husband was the "tough love" parent I guess, I have tried to continue on with how we deal with/parent our kids, but in some ways that would be where I am lacking. I am more of a softy at heart. With my daughter, I have worn many different parenting hats / tried many different approaches - the empathetic mum, the "you need to get up and go to school mum", the "i'll let you make the decisions" kind of mum etc etc....

She's attended school for 4 half days in just over a week - I'm sort of taking that as, well not a win, but she went! She still talks about leaving and at times wishes her life (childhood) away....

At the moment I'm just taking every day as it comes, and I'm there watching, listening, waiting, guiding where I can and where she will allow

Thank you for your response above.

Ps I love David Goggins - so full on, but sometimes he's what I need!

[Widowedmumof3]

Thanks for responding 🙂

It is so hard isn't it?! I do sometimes feel helpless, but then I remind myself that I've got this and I've got them (my kids) no giving up, no "its too hard". A trip to the beach, which we all love, is definitely on the cards and more frequently as it does seem to be our happy place. I shall keep reminding her that I am here and I've got her back and anything else she might need. Thank you again 🙂

[therising]

Hi Widowedmumof3

I think David Goggins would have to be the most energetic person on the face of the earth, a far cry from the person he used to be (deeply depressed after having experienced so much trauma in his life). Trauma that involves grief can have so many low end emotions. When it's the high end emotions that can us just about bouncing off the walls with a 'Can do!' attitude and incredible vision, it can be hard to know where to start when it comes to developing them. Btw, I don't recall ever hearing a kid say 'I'm absolutely pumped to be going to school. I can't wait to get there'.

Being a realist when it comes to the Australian Education System, while I appreciate a lot of what it offers and how hard many of the teachers work, it remains a somewhat broken system. As I've said to my kids in the past 'If you can make your way through 13 years in a system that can be depressing and anxiety inducing at times and to various degrees, you need to consider yourself an absolute champion'. It's not an easy system to get through or teach in (if you speak to some teachers). For some kids, the bare necessities is what works. Doing only the bare minimum of subjects while going unscored in year 12 is what works well for them and their mental health. A passable attendance is something else that works for some kids.

I think we can be up against it at times, as parents and guides. If we knew exactly how our child's brain was functioning and what their thoughts and emotions were really all about, it would make things a little easier. While my kids are naturally fascinating, amusing and quirky people who face a variety of challenges, having their brains diagnosed as being an ADHD brain (daughter) and a high functioning brain on the autism spectrum (son) gave me some insight into why school was the struggle it was and why they struggle with certain challenges in life. I think these light bulb moments can reassure us that we're not doing a bad job, where doing a job that's far more complex than we originally thought and we have to give our self some credit for that.