Worried about my boyfriend, parents divorce and adhd affecting him

[Kiki207]

Hi all,

My boyfriend has been seeming really depressed lately, I want to help him but I'm not sure how..

He was diagnosed with ADHD as a toddler and has told me he feels trapped. He says ADHD is like lucid dreaming, he's aware of what he's doing, he knows its wrong but no matter how hard he tries he cant stop.

His parents divorced when he was in year 2, its really been weighing on him, especially since his dad lives in Singapore and comes to Australia twice a year for a short amount of time. He says his only memories of his parents living together was of them fighting.

His sister seems to have been affected by the divorce but in the opposite way, she thinks fighting is normal and regularly starts fights with their mum, which hurts my boyfriend as well.

Before he moved to my area, (late 2016-early 17) he had a planned suicide but (obviously) didnt act on it. He said it was because nothing in his life was going right and he was never happy, his parents were divorced, he was moving away from everything, his ADHD was getting worse and harder... That scared me so much..

He tells me he wishes his life was like mine - a complete fairytale family (his words), no family fights and no ADHD. I've been told that its jealousy and I should end the relationship but i love him too much to end it...

I really want to help him, i just dont know how..

I got advice from a counsellor on the webchat here (thanks!!) I got advice to direct my bf to counselling or websites for mental health, I just need help on how to support him myself and as much as possible.

If you can help me I would appreciate that so much

-Kiki

[white knight]

Hi Kiki, welcome

You are a really nice person to want to support him, stand by him and seek help for him. Well done, that is rare.

I'm lucky enough to have a supportive wife and her techniques are great so I'll pass some onto you.

• She uses tact to tell me if I'm manic (over excited, fast talking, fast walking, etc) or depressed. She is my observer.
• She will if I'm depressed, just stay with me sometimes no saying a word, a hand on the shoulder is sometimes all that is required.Other times a long chat.
• She and I change our environment, like going for a walk around the block, it's that easy. Your eyes focus on other things.
• You can help him with medication- meds are the core of his behaviour. The correct meds and just as important the dosage is critical to a stable life, as stable as possible is your goal. So if he doesnt mind ask him if you can accompany him to his psych sessions.
• Dont be afraid to go to relationship counseling even if you dont have serious issues. Hi mental illness and a young relationship needs all the guidance you can muster.
• Try not to take advice from friends and discuss it only if you need advice yourself for how to cope, not discuss his ADHD. Forums like this and professional medical people are where you get help from. Most others dont know what they are saying and can be hurtful.
• Try to slowly get him to build up his faith in you- your friendship and trust between you both is a ticket to a happy life
• Accept there will be bad days. Wipe them off and restart the next day with a new frame of mind
• Attend motivation speeches and read up on positive thinking. It wont cure him but when he starts to feel good with a positive frame of mind he will excel better.

Google-

Beyondblue topic talking to men- some tips

Beyondblue topic carers

TonyWK

[therising]

Hi Kiki207

I know this sounds seriously 'out there' but it's interesting to get a spiritual take on adhd. Yes, as I say, seriously out there.

In having a bit of a look online regarding 'spiritual aspect of adhd' some of what your bf experiences may look pretty familiar but give you a whole different perspective. Some of it may prove helpful (I hope).

Even if this aspect is not your cup of tea or his, can't hurt to go outside the square occasionally.

🙂

[Kiki207]

Tony WK,

Thank you for your advice and tips. I'll try them with my bf, I feel a lot more confident about helping him now.

Thanks again,

-Kiki

[Kiki207]

Therising,

Thank you, I read about the spiritual aspect and its really helped me see adhd in a new light and understand what people with adhd go through. I read about some of my bfs symptoms and now understand them so much better. Your suggestion really helped me 😊

Thanks,

-Kiki

[Kiki207]

Tony WK,

I have been looking at other threads (dont know how to help so im trying to watch and learn) and I've seen a lot of your replies. Just wanted to say they're really thorough and helpful, and the way you add things to google is really supportive. I like the way you help 🙂

-Kiki

[therising]

Hi Kiki

Glad you were able to find a new perspective.

Was thinking about the lucid dreaming feeling. Not sure if this is entirely relateable but lately I've been working on developing the most unusual ability. Sounds seriously weird but I've never thought to do this before now. I'll given you some insight regarding the aspect of wonder:

• Whilst in the past I may have felt challenged to get off the couch due to lack of motivation at times, now I try to bring to mind 'I wonder if I can get off the couch without thinking'. Yes, I know, sounds very simplistic and rather bizarre but I find myself easily getting up off the couch with zero effort...as long as I don't think my way out of it
• I might ponder 'I wonder if I can get lunch prepared in under half an hour for my entire family, without thinking' and bam it's done. So, apparently, yes I can prepare lunch in such a way, as long as I don't complicate things by thinking too much

It's kind of like I detach and go into auto-pilot. The human brain is a quirky thing. I asked my 17yo daughter if it's possible simple wonder could work so easily under certain circumstances. She reported a few days later how easily it worked for her. She was pretty shocked. She wondered if she could catch a bus to the local shopping centre without thinking getting in the way (you know the kind of thinking that goes 'I can't be bothered walking to the bus stop' etc).

I might want to add - thinking is grounding. Grounding is incredibly important if we're going to live such a wonderful life: Whilst catching the bus doesn't require any great thought (seeing it's fairly routine), hitchhiking requires us to think about consequences. In this case thought/risk assessment determines that the bus is the best option. Or if there are bills about to come in, I don't wonder about the stress that will come about if I go off and buy some luxury before hand. The stress will come, there's no question about it.

Is your bf a grounded guy? There are plenty of ways we can ground our self. We can ground our self in our integrity. We can ground our self in our compassion for others and self. We can ground our self in the belief we will not tolerate aggression from anyone. Grounding helps us establish our sense of self.

Typically, we begin life in a state of wonder. How we are carefully grounded in a state of balance is key.

By the way, I don't have to wonder about whether your an amazing and loving girlfriend. You definitely are!

🙂