Wife's depression and anxiety take toll on me. Advice?

[Pointyman]

Hi guys, this is more of a reach out on people who have experience in taking care of themselves.

Short rundown. She has grown up in a difficult home, endured parents divorce, raised her two younger brothers and lost one of them due to cancer, spent many years being the emotional crutch for everyone including her parents (which granted she is not good at setting boundaries). We've been married for 4 years, have 2 amazing kids, everything else is going well in our lives so not too many triggers.

The only triggers are our parents but it is subjective because she has a more difficult time dealing with their quirks and just general life turbulence like, annoying people in the supermarket, not getting what she wants because it wasn't on sale or when I accidentally throw away a plastic box that's cluttering up the kitchen when she planned to use it for something (No, I'm no mind reader, I'm just trying to clean the kitchen).

A lot of these anxieties and depression states stems from her upbringing which split into a lot of other issues like victim mentality.

But look, I'm not bashing my wife, she's wonderful and compassionate, I'm super happy to serve and love her even when she's unlovable. This post is more for a precaution for me because I'm starting to see where I'm going.

So I've employed reflective listening for her, doing my best not to try and fix everything that pops up because as a guy I know that's what I do naturally. Giving an empathetic ear as consistently as possible anytime she wants to rant, even about suicide. I try to avoid giving advice, instead reflect back what she has said to me, even trying to help articulate her points clearer to show that I care. And I do.

What I'm worried about is myself. I'm starting to feel like I don't care anymore. It's wearing me thin to be honest. I'm short, I start to hear her getting triggered by something menial and I can already feel my blood boiling because that's the ideal situation for her to collect ammo to throw back and express her idea "See? I told you everything is hopeless!"

I have taken steps to ensure I exercise, eat well, get enough sleep but of course I sometimes snap, feel apathetic and just downright angry which isn't helpful.

If anyone has advice on what strategies they've employed to ensure their tank is full please post! I'd like to hear them.

I'm about 40% emotional capacity right now, I can feel myself getting lower which is the last thing I want.

[Aaronsis]

Hi Pointyman

Firstly I would like to congratulate you on acknowledging your mental health, that you can see you are at about 40% and that you are taking steps to ensure you dont continue on the downward spiral, well done for looking after you and for taking care of what is so very important at that is your mental health, with exercise and eating well and sleep, this is fantastic.

I am so sorry that you are feeling overwhelmed and at the end of your tether with your wife, I am by no means a professional but I can see something that is sort of standing out to me and that is control. I think that with the things like her parents, she knows how to manage that and to do and to say the things that work for them and to essentially have control over that situation, which is fine, the things she does not have control of like availability of sale items, what others do in the house, like throwing out containers and essentially "not getting her own way" seems to be something she is not coping with. The lack of control and being in control of the situation.

I think what you are doing by parroting her and trying not to fix the issue is a great start but I also think some advice from people at Relationships Australia on 1300364277 or https://www.relationships.org.au/what-we-do/services/counselling could be a really good start for the both of you.

I feel like she is lashing out at the things that she cant control as she is so "full" with already having to help her parents and manage a family and everything else she has in life so when the things come at her that she cannot control she essentially flies off the handle and at you as you are the closest person to her. I think it is great you are taking a "validating" role and just listening and hearing her and not trying to solve everything, that is also good for you too.

I just want to address one thing though and that is the discussions around suicide. I just want to ensure that she is safe and that she is not thinking of taking her life and that any mention of suicide should be followed up with a good conversation. I am not saying she is suicidal but a conversation with her is most definitely required here. I can help you with how to do that if you feel you need some support with that.

I am so sorry that you are feeling like this Pointyman, but I am so proud that you have reached out for some support and some comfort here, we care so much.

Huge hugs

Sarah

[therising]

Hi Pointyman

Ongoing stress can exhaust us into significant lows. Low levels of tolerance are perfectly understandable when what we're tolerating is really draining us. Knowing we're sinking into a set of lows is key to avoiding a depression. You're definitely on the ball.

I imagine, after all your wife's been through, she too has been exhausted in many ways. If you can imagine her being a naturally energetic kid before her parents started fighting and split, before she raised her brothers, before one passed and before she chose to tend to her parents' needs, the exhausting process may look a little like this:

• The carefree nature has been exhausted out of her, replaced by a sense of duty and excessive responsibility
• Hope for a sense of ease and general happiness has been exhausted out of her. In their place - hopelessness, dis-ease and sadness

With such exhaustion, the question becomes 'Who is it who has raised her out of the lows and energised her back to life?' Who raised her through the incredibly exhausting process of grief (her brother's passing)?

It can definitely be a challenge, raising certain people. For example, if someone has been conditioned into a victim mentality, it can feel almost impossible to raise them out of it. Raising them to higher consciousness and action definitely requires careful management. Challenging your wife to raise her parents to states of independence or self-empowerment could be an exercise worth considering. Asking your wife 'How are you going to manage this request or demand from your parents?' could be a good question, to raise her consciousness. 'Can you get them to rise to this challenge they've given you?' may give her a sense of greater control. Sounds like her parents may have been draining her for many years. Catering to their every demand or need is not really a productive management strategy for anyone.

During my own depression, my husband learned the art of walking on eggshells. Sometimes it's the little things (like a plastic box) which triggers a moment when you just want to scream 'CONSIDER ME!' When so many folk act inconsiderately these days (like strangers in supermarkets) a plastic box can be the last straw. You can feel like curling up and asking 'Why does no one seem to care?' which can lead to the soul destroying statement 'Maybe I'm not worth caring about'.

I believe it is possible to bring someone back to life. By managing what or who is draining the life out of them, the process begins.

🙂