Wife is mentally ill and alcoholic

[Blackboy]

Please can I have advice about where I can turn to for help. I am 67 and my wife is 61. She is an alcoholic and matters have reached a point where she is so bad that I can't keep looking after her. She has reached a blood alcohol level of over .4 (NOT .04) several times. She has been to one clinic after another and while she is there she's fine but as soon as she comes home she starts drinking again. I am in despair because I can't stop her drinking (she buys the stuff herself and starts screaming and crying uncontrollably if I try to take it away), can't force her to eat (she is thin and weak), can't do much to help if she falls on the floor as she has often done, can't persuade her to take any exercise. She is often in bed sleeping or crying for most of the day. She also has severe depression and irrational thinking.

My doctor says the only thing I can do is to wait until next time she is taken to hospital and then refuse to accept her discharge to home. He says the hospital will then get a team of psychiatrists, psychologists and social workers to find care for her. But what if she dies? I love my wife dearly. I don't want to separate from her and she would quite possibly die of grief if she was separated from me. Is there any alternative to find long-term care for her? Clinics will only take her for a few weeks. Would there be any home care packages that would be available? I will pay whatever it takes. I just want to see her well and happy. At present she is wasting away and I can't stop it. I sit by her bedside and watch and my heart is breaking.

I suppose the position is different in different states. I'm in Victoria, near Melbourne.

[Soberlicious96]

Hi Rory,

Yeah the walk went well, in that I did manage to finish (do the whole 20 kms), and had plenty of fluids so no dehydration ...... but I finished in a LOT of pain. I have 3 fairly decent blisters on my right foot, and very sore hips and pelvic area. My feet are better today though, so am definitely on the mend. And quite proud of the fact that I achieved what I set out to do!

In regards to the situation with your wife, I must admit, I don't really feel as though I can help much more? Except to offer, or suggest, what I already have; in that going to Al-anon and getting support for yourself. There is also, however, another book which you may find helpful? It's called 'Codependent No More' and although I haven't read it myself, I have heard from many others who have read it that it has helped them to find more balance in their relationships, and to set boundaries around acceptable and unacceptable behaviors - both from their partners and themselves. What is codependency? It's "excessive emotional or psychological reliance on a partner, typically one who requires support on account of an illness or addiction." .... it could also be excessive 'focus' on a partner, rather than oneself. Anyway, maybe this link will help:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/au/blog/anxiety-zen/201609/6-signs-codependent-relationship

Or maybe it won't help. I really don't know. All I do know is that all the rehabs and treatment centre's in the world will not 'fix' your wife, or your frustrations with your wife's disease, unless you and or your wife does something dramatically different to what you have been doing over these last few months and years. Maybe this link will help explain the whole 'detaching with love' thing a bit better also;

https://www.psychologytoday.com/au/blog/family-affair/201506/detaching-love-0

Again, I don't know. I just know that you perhaps need more ongoing support yourself, than what I am qualified to offer? I'm Sorry. Would help more if I could. Anyway, all the best. Just take things a day at a time and keep doing more of the things for yourself that help to keep the blues at bay.

Take care.

Mel. xo

[geoff]

Hi Rory, I'd like to pick up your thread although Mel has been doing a terrific effort, and I must apologise for not being involved.

I just need to read through your notes and the replies from Mel, or perhaps if you want to, you could just let me know in a summary, I'm sorry to ask you, it's just that there are many threads I read I have to try and remember and once I can connect with them, it all comes back.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

[Blackboy]

Thanks Mel. I'm glad you survived your long hike without too much damage. I'm sorry you don't wish to continue the correspondence. I'm well aware that I'm a very hard nut to crack, and that no doubt you can't find much else to say, but I have appreciated your concern, and just having somebody to talk to has made a big difference to me. Anyway, thanks for what you have offered to date. I will certainly follow up those 2 links.

[Blackboy]

Thanks Geoff. Briefly to stay within the limit: I am a 67 y.o. retired lawyer. Only child, very introverted, low social skills, no family, almost no friends. Health good, financial situation comfortable. In a state of anxiety and depression due to my wife's mental issues and alcoholism. Currently trying hard to remedy my situation by forcing myself to join groups and participate in activities. Trying to make friends, with limited success lately.

Wife: 62 y.o. retired university lecturer. Indian ethnicity, came to Australia at age 13. Parents deceased, only sibling is 1 sister who has treated her very nastily since their mother died, and they are now estranged. Has several friends who are supportive. As a child was emotionally abused (told she was useless, shouted at, put down) by her father who had a foul temper and mental issues of his own. Experienced racism on coming to Australia. Is extremely sensitive and sees racism and rejection everywhere. Believes that every woman who speaks to me is flirting with me (this is nonsense). Began drinking alcohol at c. 18 y.o. I did not realize this at the time we married (1984). Was a functioning alcoholic who held down a highly responsible job for most of her life because during the daytime she did not drink and was able to be reasonably normal. Problem was in the evenings - most evenings she was mildly intoxicated. I did not like this but it was bearable. Retired in 2017. Problem became dramatically worse in Nov 2018 (we do not know why): she began drinking during the daytime and to a much greater extent. Since then, she has collapsed several times drunk; was crying and screaming at the railway station; went off to meet a friend and did not come home or contact me for 3 days, during which time she was in the car drinking all the time. Many similar things both at home and outside. Over the years she has been to many clinics and she is fine while there, in good mood and determined to give up the stuff, but upon return starts up again within 2 days. Never drinks when we are on holidays or if we go out together. Personality: kind, caring, gentle, loving, very insecure, feels rejected by most people although this is not true.

Currently: on Tuesday came back from a therapeutic community where she did not fit in. No drink there or since 15 September (in a clinic Sep-Oct) or since coming home. But has a nasty cough and is sleeping almost all day.

Running out of space - Rory

[geoff]

Hi Rory, I believe that when children are abused in some way when they were young, they find a way to finally release their frustrations and with your wife that what's she has done.

Going into rehab or clinics is fine while they are in there but as soon as they out, the first thing they do is pick up the bottle once again.

She may not have drunk while on holidays only because it's out of her routine, but I'd like you to continue as realise that I have replied back to you much earlier and wondering whether typing it out again has helped you.

By the way, I'm 65 divorced because of depression and self medicating with alcohol, now I only drink socially.

Geoff.

[Blackboy]

Hi Geoff and thanks. I made a mistake in saying she had no drink since coming home on Tuesday. I discovered 2 flasks of white wine she had been drinking from. The sleepiness has mostly been due to the drinking. You are quite right in saying "Going into rehab or clinics is fine while they are in there but as soon as they out, the first thing they do is pick up the bottle once again". This is what always happens.

Last night she was lying on the kitchen floor, crying and wailing. She couldn't stand or walk by herself. This morning she is OK, probably because I threw out all the wine.

Due to lack of space I did not mention that she has a diagnosis from her psychiatrist of Borderline personality disorder. This is closely connected to her alcoholism of course. I recently heard of "dual diagnosis" and it seems to me that it could be beneficial. Just now, however, I am trying to persuade her to go back to a clinic. I no longer have any illusion that a clinic will cure her. But I can't cope with her at home any longer, and the time in the clinic could be used to plan some long-term solution. What she needs is some place where she can stay long-term and where she will be unable to access alcohol. It seems very difficult to find such a place. I am looking for a social worker who can give some advice about it.

Thanks for your helpful input.

Rory

[Haurice]

Hi Blackboy

This sounds like a really difficult situation for you. It is so challenging watching someone you love go through tough times and make poor choices.

You are not alone. I am watching my partner go down that same path and it’s heartbreaking.

You’ve received some really good advice on this thread. Make yourself the priority - you can’t control your wife’s drinking.

I do hope your wife has chosen to get sober. But whether or not she’s made that decision, I hope you are looking after yourself and getting the support you need.

Haurice

[geoff]

Hi Rory, alcoholics can be cunning, so if you found 2 casks/flasks there is probably more hidden away even in places you wouldn't expect, bottles in the pantry and wouldn't be in any logical place, maybe a hole somewhere in the ground which is covered by a rock, maybe a plant (not a plant pot) etc.

I have heard of 'dual diagnosis' and a couple of psych's wouldn't treat me while I was drinking back in those years when I was depressed.

A few places to gain help other than being here are

-Australia offers 24-hour support to families and friends of drug and alcohol users 1300 368 186.

-If you need help with alcohol addiction, call Alcoholics Anonymous on 1300 222 222 to get the phone number for your state, but for me, and I'm saying for me, AA didn't work because the same people stood up and said the same story as they did last time I went, but for some people it does do wonders, and I hope this is allowed

-Costs vary. Some treatments are free. Some government-funded
community-based and residential rehabilitation centres ask for a
co-payment

The point you have made is 'that you can't cope with her at home any longer' is the main point here and would like to discuss this next reply.

Take care.

Geoff.

[Blackboy]

Thank you for your thoughts. I guess you know what it's like. For me it's utterly unbearable. Heartbreaking, as you say.

[Blackboy]

Yes, well I just discovered some inside her guitar case - she is very good at finding hiding places. She has been sober for 2 days but now she is back drinking again and is asleep (3.30 pm) after we had a very emotional scene.

I can't cope with her being at home in 2 ways - one is just the emotional stress on me, and the other is that whatever I do, I can't stop her drinking and if she drinks she is liable to collapse and maybe be injured (not to mention longterm liver damage, brain damage etc.) Also she eats next to nothing when drunk and so gets very weak.

I am desperate to find a place where she can go long-term and have no access to alcohol. In the clinics she has had no access to alcohol and has remained sober and quite happy. But as soon as she comes home she starts drinking. The clinics will only take her for a max of 6 weeks. Some long-term arrangement has to be found. Isn't there anyone who has some ideas of what can be done? Surely others must have had similar experiences? Surely there is something like a home for alcoholics? I'm prepared to pay the cost if I can just find somewhere!