Wife depressed, having trouble coping.

Bob_Grey · ‎27-10-2015

Hi.

I've been married for 10 years and have one child. My wife had some anxiety and depression issues but when we had our daughter she went into post natal depression and never quite came back. She's on medication and sees a counsellor on and off. She's lost interest in sex and never seems like she's ok with life - there's always something to make her unhappy.

I've mostly coped until now but recently I've gotten infatuated with a co-worker. I haven't said anything to anyone - the girl at work may or may not be in a relationship (complicated), no idea if she'd be interested even if she wasn't, and even if she was interested it would mean devastating my wife. If I told my wife that I was attracted to another woman she'd be hurt and she doesn't deserve that. Plus, she'd then be worried about me working with someone I'm attracted to and probably demand I find another job when her work situation is precarious. So keeping my mouth shut for the time being - the girl in question will be leaving next year so that problem should at least fix itself.

At my worst I sometimes wonder if my wife isn't capable of happiness with me then am I better off leaving. But I don't want to hurt her and I really don't want to hurt my daughter. And that's at my worst - I'd prefer everyone to end up happy. Like I said, I've coped so far, just having trouble at the moment.

Carmen_Lisa · ‎08-11-2015

Hi there. I think people have given some good advice. I just wanted to say this one thing... You can either lean into the relationship or lean out. The depression might make it seem easier to lean out, but if you lean the other way, you will be stronger to face things together.

Oh, and life is never going to be 100% happy. Look for moments in the small things. Play together. Set her a funny treasure hunt with memories of happy times. Do silly things. Us people struggling with depression need distraction sometimes. A bit like a 3 year old having a tantrum. Better than engaging with the list of woes and trying to fix things. That just feels frustrating.

All the best to you.

Bob_Grey · ‎11-11-2015

Thank you all.

I've started seeing a psychologist and my wife is looking for a new psychologist as well. We've talked and she's making all the right noises about working together to fix things.

My main issue now is that while she's mostly saying the right sort of things I've got my doubts about how that will transfer into action. My psychologist recommended we read a book (Sex Diaries, Bettina Arndt). I mentioned it, my wife read a review, said that it sounded like it would say I'm normal and it's all her fault and then crawled into bed and cried.

I trust my wife - I don't trust her depression.

Guest_1055 · ‎11-11-2015

Bob I am new to this posting thing, I read your thread here, and one thing stood out to me. Why because it sounds familiar to me. You were saying that when your wife talks it is 90% complaining, my husband has also thought that about me and has stated this to me. You hear it has complaints but I am thinking she just wants to feel understood and feel loved. I have read this book called" love and respect" it is about how a man married craves respect, wants to be noticed by his wife, wants to be admired and accepted by his wife. And the wife really wants to be loved, understood and cherished by her husband. This book is like a help book.

DaveInBris · ‎11-11-2015

Hi Bob - my wife and I have been together nearly 30 years and we've faced similar challenges. My wife has suffered from severe depression on and off for most of that time. At times it has been extremely severe and she has been suicidal. She was hospitalised about 10years ago which was the beginning of us properly addressing the issues that were affecting her (and me) - through medication and counselling. While it's never easy we're now in a much better place. All I can say is hang in there and keep working with your wife, family and friends to find a way through. Good luck.

Hypatia · ‎13-11-2015

HI Bob,

I don't know if this helps, but the Sex Diaries *is* a fairly controversial book - I have very non-depressed friends who would probably be upset if their partner gave it to them with a comment that it might fix things. Several reviews characterise it as having a "relationship problems are caused by women not being willing to have sex when they don't want to". I'm not saying you were wrong to give it to her, but it might help to read the review she read and look at it from her perspective. I suspect your psychologist thought it would help because it is a powerful elucidation of how differing sex drives affect people - so maybe explaining that you just want her to understand better how you feel, not that she has to do anything she doesn't want to - might help.

Depression (and the meds that treat it) can really play havoc with someone's sex drive. It can also change the sensation of being touched so that it is very unpleasant. It is different for everyone (I am very grateful that this hasn't been the case with my partner's depression, and his current meds don't have sexual side-effects either, but he has been on medication that did and it was really upsetting and isolating for me). There is good news - some anti-depressants actually increase female libido in some people!

It sounds to me like you are doing all the right things - separate counsellors will help a lot, I suspect. Rebuilding trust and understanding takes a long time, and isn't linear. It's also ok if you decide at a point that you don't have a long journey back in you, and that you want to leave. It sounds like you are all moving through what you need to work this out - Good luck!

Bob_Grey · ‎17-11-2015

Thank you all.

Interestingly one of the things that came out of talking with my wife in the last couple of days is that she does want me to fix things when she complains - even when they're things that have nothing to do with me. She says she's going to try and not use me as a therapist. Still having trouble seeing how it's going to work but we're booked in for counselling so we'll see how that goes.

TheSteve · ‎17-11-2015

That's great Bob, well done. If you can both stick with it, it will most certainly help you explore the issues - both surface and underlying, and thus help you find a way to deal with it short and long term.

When the time is right, you may encourage your wife to go and get a full physical done, as well as have her hormone levels checked. These can wreak havoc with a person's mood (my wife suffers from low thyroid, and she literally can be night-and-day in the same 24hr period).

My message is this - leave no stone unturned.

Good luck to you both.

Steve

Bob_Grey · ‎18-11-2015

She's getting a bunch of blood tests done so we'll see what they say.

It's kind of awkward now - she's doing better than I am because she's medicated and the doctor has increased her dosage. GP is not keen to see me on any medication which I agree with in principle but some days it would be nice to just be numb through everything.

TheSteve · ‎19-11-2015

That is a dynamic that can be uncomfortable as it sees the stress shift from one person to the next, and almost immediately repositions where you were in the relationship. Clearly you are in better shape than her overall, so unless you are really feeling trashed then medicating your way through it is not going to do you much good.

This dynamic may be necessary to get her through, so ride with it and see how it goes.