What happens to a family when one its members survives a near death experience.

Coraline · ‎01-01-2015

My daughter seems to be very angry and anxious after her husband suffered, and recovered well from, a cardiac arrest a few months ago. Her tendency has always been to tell others how to live their lives, but now she seems to be hyper critical of the behaviour of friends and family members to the point where I find her company incredibly stressful much as I love her. Today I have hit back at her calling her thoughtless and selfish and I feel very bad, very tearful and still somewhat justified in being annoyed with her even though I wish I had said nothing over what was a small incident. Am I over-reacting to her behaviour? I fear for the wellbeing of her marriage and her children whom I love dearly, if she cannot alter her behaviour. How do I cut off from feeling responsible for her behaviour and accept she must live her life her way, even if I think it is destructive.

Neil_1 · ‎02-01-2015

Dear Coraline

Firstly, I’d like to wish you a warm welcome to Beyond Blue.

This sounds like a very tricky situation that is happening. With what you’ve described it sounds like you are not over-reacting and I think also that one person can only take so much harshness from another before something bubbles over and this appeared to happen for you just recently. How did your daughter react to what you said? I’m guessing that she wouldn’t be the one to then bow down and apologise for her recent behavior – perhaps the opposite may have happened??

Now, with regard to her marriage; as much as a Mum wants everything to be golden for everyone, this is not always the case, and that is simply something that will have to be worked out by your daughter and her husband. Time and tide will see whether that heals or not; but if she continues on with the way she’s acting, then your fears could come true. Even if that does happen, she is still your daughter and they are still your grandkids – nothing changes that.

My other thoughts in regard to this are that if she continues to be the way she is to her friends and other family members, I’d be very surprised if they continued to be having as much to do with her as they once did – she might find in a short space of time that she doesn’t have as many friends as she once did.

Again, these are only my thoughts on the situation, but I hope that I’ve written something that has been useful to you. I would really like to hear back from you.

Kind regards

Neil

Coraline · ‎02-01-2015

Thanks Neil,

I am wondering whether or not to send her a copy of a study I found online regarding the incidence of PTSD in family members of ICU patients. do you think this will only enrage her more?

pipsy · ‎03-01-2015

Hi Coraline. My name is Pipsy. Please don't take offence at my writing, just trying to help. From what you have described about your daughter, I'm wondering if she's scared after nearly losing her husband. How long has she been married? I too had a heart attack some years ago, fairly serious. My husband spent over an hour on the computer asking me questions about my symptoms before finally ringing the ambulance. Believe that was scary, he should've rung the ambo straight away, I felt like he was just waiting for me to die. My heart apparently stopped at the hospital, and they were getting the machine out to 'jump start' me when it started again. This can be very frightening for the family: i.e your daughter who can't do anything except watch helplessly. As you say, she has always been over critical of how others live their lives, now she seems to be getting worse. Maybe she tried to change her husband's life style before he had the arrest and failed. This would also frustrate her. It could just be, she doesn't want anyone else to go through what she went through, but she's handling it wrong. A grief councilor would help her through this, as they are trained to deal with frustration and anger that death brings. A G.P would know where a grief councilor could be located. Unfortunately, all you can do is try to suggest carefully that maybe she should see a G.P for help before she does lose everyone (including, maybe husband). How is their relationship since this happened? Hope I have been of some help to you. All the best. P

Neil_1 · ‎03-01-2015

Hi Coraline

Just with how you've described your daughter, I think perhaps taking the approach of sending her a copy of that study could be adding fuel to the fire. I'm guessing however, that the results of that study are concerning for you for what outcomes happen after such incidents.

The other thought I had is there a family member or a good friend of hers who you could possibly confide in; and to see firstly if they've noticed anything and then to see whether they may be able to raise something with her? Or alternatively, the main source of all this - her husband. With him being there 24/7, he must be only too aware of what things are like - perphaps, he is the one? In fact, is the whole situation concerning him?

Kind regards

Neil

Coraline · ‎05-02-2015

Thanks for your response. I have an excellent CBT psychologist and have seen her twice to help sort myself out. Her advice essentially is to allow my daughter to find her own way in this in her own time. My psychologist has helped me to move on and stop focussing on what has happened. My daughter and I have reconnected by telephone and I'm getting on with my own life instead of relying on grandchildren and children to make me feel loved, needed and happy. It seems to be working. Also I realised I had cut out some very weak anti-depressants I'd been taking for a couple of years and doing that without tapering almost certainly contributed to my depression and anger that I expressed under pressure during a family holiday. I guess the big lesson for me is that the widely idealised happy family does not exist because it's made up of imperfect people, including me.

pipsy · ‎05-02-2015

Hello, Coraline. Pip here. Nice to hear back from you and pleased you got some help for yourself. You're right to let your daughter make her own way and mistakes. I wish you all the best with 'moving on'. Depression can make us angry when we feel things are not going as we planned. There is no such thing as a 'perfect person', if there were, we wouldn't need help. My own situation is, now that I know where I stand with my husband and his family, I can move on with my life. I was taking anti-depressants for years. Unfortunately, they worked against me as I had frustration not depression. It's good you and your daughter have patched things up. The biggest thing I've learnt is: happiness comes from within, not from relying on outside influences. I am happier than I've ever been since I made my decision. Hopefully, you will start to feel fulfilled with your decision to let your daughter learn by her mistakes. Again I wish you all the best. Regards Pip.

Neil_1 · ‎06-02-2015

Hi Coraline

Lovely to hear back from you and like Pip has responded, it’s really great that you’ve been able to feel some inner peace and feel as though you’re moving on. It’s always very good to hear back from posters who were doing it tough and have now begun to make some positive steps with their own issues.

Also to Pip, it seems that you have rounded the corner as well and so that is an awesome result for you as well.

And yes, great to hear Coraline that your psyche was able to provide you with the support and help that you needed and that it has worked for you.

Kind regards

Neil

unable_to_recover · ‎13-02-2015

Well I would say to you its about time that you spoke your mind to her ,and calling her thoughtless and selfish should not make you fell bad .(as its how you really feel she is ).Maybe if you blurted it out all of a sudden and that was all you said ,then l would suggest that you try to tell her your true feelings of her behaviour in a in depth one on one but steer away from her marriage etc . lf this sounds to difficult then let her read this forum and its replies as you have been very direct and honest in what you have written . But my guess is because she is a person that tells others how they should live their lives and is hyper critical that for such a person to look deep at herself from out side the box (as in how she really comes across from others point of view) that unless she truly opens her heart and her mind she might remain selfish and thoughtless and this is no longer your responsibility .She is now a grown woman with her own family and if she has a attitude of such a poor character then its her own fault.Dont be shy to tell her your own opinions in regards to her behaviour ,especially right at the very times shes doing it. I will now read the replies and your comment to them. (I never read them before I make my own reply to someone so l am not swayed in anyway )Also I wish you the very best of luck ....... Brian