Weaning off antidepressants and broke up

[ButterflyInTheSky]

My boyfriend of 1.5 years had been suffering from depression for most of his life. He was not on them when we first met. He was very open with me about his condition from the start and we would talk about it. I was there to support him no matter what. He decided to start antidepressants about 4 months into after meeting each other and he became a whole new person. He asked me to officially be his girlfriend. He was very affectionate, complimented me all the time, his mood had changed for the better, it was amazing. During the next year, I helped him go through a certification class, we moved in together, he was on his way to a new career path. 

 He decided to wean himself off his antidepressants about 4 weeks before he broke up with me. I'm wondering if his weaning off the medication had anything to do with breaking up with me. His reasons were that he wanted to be alone. He wanted a place of his own where he could do whatever he wanted whenever he wanted. I don't feel I asked much of him during our relationship. For example, I'd decide where to go for dinner because he didn't want to decide. I'd make sure he was okay with it and gave him chances to tell me if he really didn't want to do something. And now he has used this against me. 

I was a very supportive girlfriend. I let him know I was there for him. I researched depression and tried as much as I could to understand it and be a good support system for him. I can't figure out why he broke up with me other than maybe his weaning off the antidepressants could have played a part in all this. I feel so lost.

[Paul]

Hey ButterflyInTheSky,

Welcome to Beyond Blue, I'm glad you could jump on here and tell us what's going on.

Relationships can be such a pain in the bum sometimes, great one day and confusingly over the next. I'm sorry it's happened like this. I know it's painful and puzzling.

Are you still in contact with your BF? How do you think the question "What is different about doing what you want by yourself to doing what you want in our relationship?" Perhaps this is something for you to consider as well.

As to whether coming off medication has caused the change for him, we may never know.

It sounds like you gave a lot during the relationship. I urge you to turn that giving to yourself and make sure you are looked after emotionally and health wise.

There are some helpful articles in the menus at the top of this page under "The Facts" then "Grief and Loss" they might help to explain some emotions you may feel if things just don't work out with your boyfriend. (I hope they do)

Look after yourself, keep in touch and let us know how things are going. I'm sure there are plenty of others here who have experienced a very similar situation and may have further insight.

Paul

[geoff]

dear ButterflyInTheSky, hello and thanks for contacting the site, as you are very perplexed by what has happened, which I am so sorry for you.

People who have been taking antidepressants (AD) and feel as though are good enough decide to stop taking them, but what they don't realise is that the AD have been keeping them feel so much better, so when they stop there is a strong possibility that they will fall back into depression.

You and he have to realise that this medication is very strong, so if you can google the type of AD on the net you will see what it is meant to do, it will also mention any side-effects, but not all of these could happen, but for legal reasons they have to warn people, so as he was feeling well then he should consider going back onto them, although I'm not a qualified doctor so you have to get his doctor's word on what he should do.

Please you also have to remember that people say all sorts of things while they are depressed, such as wanting to be alone and leaving you, but again depression is making him say this.

Depression is a strange illness because it tells the person that they want to be by themselves, but in actual fact they still want someone who they can still ring or be there, and that's what makes this illness so hard to follow, so we also become confused and don't know what to do.

I would try and ask him to go back to the doctor and with you, if he allows this, because the medication has worked before and it will again. Geoff. x

[ButterflyInTheSky]

Thank you so much for the response. You are right that I should channel my energy somewhere else. It's just so difficult when I care about him so much and I want to help and be there for him. I am so sad right now. I definitely need to make sure I am handling this in a healthy manner.

 I feel like he misconstrued things in his mind, like that dinner example. Even though he had requested that I make restaurant decisions for us (because he didn't like to choose), he ended up using it against me as if I was not letting him make his own decisions. The few requests I made were of sound requests, but he saw them in a totally different light. He would talk to me about an issue he had and say to me "You made me do X all the time." But oftentimes, all I did was ask, "Do you want to do X?" When he would repeat things back to me, it was a very different story in his mind.

 I am a very understanding and calm person. I approached our relationship in a very adult and open-minded way. I always looked at both sides of the story every time. I'm very confused at the moment.

 I will look for those articles you referenced. Thank you so much.

[ButterflyInTheSky]

Thank you for your feedback. I did encourage him to keep taking the medication even though he felt they weren't working anymore. But he is his own person and I couldn't make him do what he didn't want to do. He has voiced to me that he goes through these cycles, 8 months on, 8 months off, etc. They work, and then they don't work. I feel he doesn't want my support anymore given that he broke up with me. I would love to reach out to him to let him know that I will always be there for him, but I fear that I might make matters worse.

[Paul]

Hey ButterflyInTheSky,

Depression makes it really tough to think clearly sometimes. There can be moments when a comment that seems completely benign is taken with such offence by the depressed person as an attack on them. I've done this before (to my brother!)

It's no surprise that you're feeling confused especially given your approach has been beautiful and gentle.

Perhaps allowing a few days to pass and then some gentle contact to gauge his interest in seeking help or accepting your help. After all is said and done, unfortunately we can't force anyone to do anything against their will no matter how much we know they are not themselves.

Another strategy might be to set a time period where you wait and offer assistance and after that period if nothing has come of it, then you gave it your absolute best.

Don't give up hope at the moment, but continue to remain realistic (which is what you are doing) and read up a bit on the info above and look after yourself.

Paul