Upset and Distressed about my husband.

[Rip_Curl]

Hi,

My husband and I have been married for only 9 months and I think he is depressed or has some sort of mental illness.  I'm guessing the latter is the case as he is quite reactionary (in a negative, defensive way) to most things that I say (regardless of the topic).  When we were engaged he called it off twice.  Immediately after our honeymoon he got an illness that inflames the vestibular nerve in the middle ear - affecting balance and co-ordination.  I supported him emotionally, financially and physically through this. There is no known cure and he was given exercises by the specialist to help him manage his illness.  It 'goes away' over time.  Then a couple of weeks later he was commencing on-line studies (that lasted for 2-3 months).  By his own admission he isn't that proficient with a computer and I am so I helped him with his computer skills.  It meant that I couldn't really leave home for too long as when I was away and then come back home he'd be stressing and crying (yes crying) about not being able to do the assignments and didn't achieve much on the computer as he forgot how to save/open a word document.  I had shown him what he needed to know on a daily basis and he wrote the instructions down once but lost them.  I, once again, supported him through this as well.  It's only been since he hasn't been sick with the illness or not studying that I can start to have a 'normal' newlywed life with him.  He doesn't see things that way.  He forgets how I helped him with his course and when he was sick and he regularly complains about why we haven't made love since we got married.  I gently explained to him that when he was sick with the illness (that lasted 3 months) he wasn't able to as the illness drained his energy and zest for life; secondly, when he was studying I felt more like a parent to him than a wife and I found it hard to see him literally crying about not having reached his word limit yet on an assignment.  He was living breathing and eating his study and there was no time for me to tell him about my day. That was ok with me as I would tell my friends etc and given that he was so distressed about his studying and had little faith in his ability to pass (he passed all his assignments) I didn't want to stress him out any further by asking for help about something I may have needed help with.

I'm at the stage where I can't seem to speak to him in logical terms as he gets defensive, thinks everything is about him.

Please help.

[Rip_Curl]

Hi Geoff,

Thanks for your post.  I'm getting anti-anxiety medication this afternoon.  I need to look after myself.  I know that I've made mistakes etc however I'm at a loss at to why things have gotten to this stage.

I feel so alone, sick, nervous etc.

[geoff]

dear Rip Curl, yes you need to look after yourself so let's see how the medication goes, but don't leave the site, please keep in touch. L Geoff. x

[Rip_Curl]

Hi Geoff,  Just wanting to update that a lot has happend in the past week.  We were due to go marriage counselling on Tuesday night but I woke up with kidney stones and had to stay in hospital for two days in order to have a stent put in.  I have to go back in 4 weeks or so time.  On Thursday (the first full day after being discharged from hospital), my husband comes home to tell me that he was going to leave me. He packed up his bags and left.  Since then I've had to recuperate with my stent put in and are being looked after by my parents at this stage.  Also, I'm having to sort through my belongings to see what is mine and have had to start taking them back to my parents place.  I'm so scared and my emotions are all over the place.  My parents have been helping me out in practical ways.  This all hurts as I still have feelings for my husband (even with everything that has gone on) and are scared as I don't know what the future has in store for me.  I just hope that I'll be ok coming out the other side of this.

[Rip_Curl]

Just wanting to add that it isn't a case of my husband just wanting some space.  He couldn't keep up trying to be a husband.  He felt 'torn' between wanting to put is side of the family first or putting me first.  He must have been fighting with himself for a while.  Either way he said that he wanted a separation and then a divorce so it is a no brainer for me to just start looking after myself.  It's still hard though.

[geoff]

dear Rip Curl, I haven't replied which I'm so sorry because I too have been in hospital having another hip replacement, they say third time lucky but hopefully this 4th time will do the trick.

I am concerned about your stent but this have been caused by all the trauma that you have had to endue, however I'm no doctor and shouldn't comment on this.

Can I be honest here as sometimes I try and be as subtle as possible, which is important but when a situation is glaring me straight in the face I have to come out and say how I feel.

Firstly he doesn't have any compassion towards you, as you have been in hospital and having treatment which is rather major, nor has he supported you in this short period of being married, and whether or not his family has contributed towards this is up for you to decide, but from my point of view they certainly haven't helped one bit.

Secondly when you both had counselling all his concern was about his family again and not appreciating what you have had to go through, and his bad manners by saying denying you any justice, and trying to get you to admit to doing things that you have had no reason in doing.

Love has a wide meaning, I still love my ex wife even though she divorced me and didn't stick by me, but that doesn't stop me from loving her, and now we are good fiends but could never live together again.

When we first meet someone it's lustful love, we adore them, and young love normally extends into a few years of being married, but this has been lacking in your marriage, and from what you have been saying it's your husband that hasn't made any effort at all to actually show that he adores you.

History tells us that when someone in a marriage whether it's the husband or the wife who has dominating parents the marriage fails, because that person is not strong enough to tell their parents to leave the both of you alone, so they are controlled by them, so this doesn't make a satisfactory marriage, because the parents say when you can have kids, move away or get another job, that is when it suits them and not you or your husband.

I want to recover and let him go, because if you try and keep him then there will be non stop problems, devastation and disappointment.

I would love to hear back from you and again I'm sorry that I haven't replied much earlier. L Geoff. x

[Rip_Curl]

Hi Geoff,

Thank you for your post.  It has helped my quite a lot.  I think the other element in all this is that he is a practicing Catholic and has put his religion and his family before this marriage.  I'm a lay Buddhist however I've always supported his religion.  It upsets me that before he left, he accused me of not supporting his religion.  All I can say is I went to the Catholic Marriage Tribunal and paid a lot of money so that he could get married in a Catholic Church - the decision to allow us to marry in the Catholic Church took the people back in Rome, Italy 8 months. I also stated before the priest/father (and signed a form that is done by the Catholic Church) that I would support my husband raising any children of ours as Catholic.  I realise now that that is all he was prepared to raise them as.  He came out and told me that he only wanted any possible kids of the marriage to be brought up as Catholics.  This is contradictory to what he said around Christmas time where he told me that he would support me 'educating' our possible children in the Buddhist way of living.  Buddhism isn't a religion, it's a way of life.  Buddhism can work with ANY religion.  However, he doesn't seem to think so. In any case I'm done with him and I feel that some of my behaviours during the marriage/relationship (even though I had good intentions at the time) probably stemmed from not feeling supported by him.  For example, trying to encourage him to do some painting of the toilet and bathroom walls, with me.  Firstly I didn't want to spend money paying someone to paint - this is quite expensive; and secondly I thought it would be a good DIY project that we could do that would give us a sense of accomplishment.  He got really upset, accused me of controlling him (?) and I think it's because he doesn't have much confidence in himself when it comes to these things and also his family treat him as though he is a bit stupid when it comes to DIY.  I never treated him as though he was stupid.  I was trying to get him to try something (we were going to embark on this project together) and this is just one example of him resenting me for something, even though my intention was good.

[Rip_Curl]

Another thought occurred to me, I guess he never really supported me that well as he'd chop and change his mind and found it quite a challenge to think for himself and for the marriage.  That caused me a great deal of anxiety and I'd not know from one day to the next if he was saying something that he had come up with or if it was something that someone in his side of the family was saying.  Either way since he left I've found I don't have to deal with that anymore.