Trying to support boyfriend

[Loulabell]

Hey Everyone,

So I’ve been with my boyfriend for about 18 months now. Since I’ve been with him he is generally a happy, loving and great guy to be with. I have never felt more special since I’ve been with him. However, since I’ve known him, I know that he also has a lot of issues he’s dealing with (His upbringing, family, work, sense of identity etc). I think he’s been diagnosed with anxiety years ago and maybe depression (he has spoken to psychologists etc years ago). Since we’ve been together he has had two panic attacks and a few near panic attacks where I’ve managed to calm him down.  Since his last panic attack, he agreed to see a psychologist which is great. However, the past few weeks have been incredibly hard, a death of a new friend, and a few new general life stressors.  Also, this year he has taken on a family member living at his house that battles their own issues and this is just adding to everything else. 

My concerns now are that although he loves me being around all the time, and as his psychologist says “I’m his medicine” but I feel like I’m only that and any of my feelings or needs are not important. I do understand people living with depression don’t always mean to make their carers feel this way and they do appreciate our support, but lately I’ve found it so hard. It’s like he’s gotten what he needed out of me for the days and that’s it. I don’t even live with him yet and I find myself doing the majority of the housework because he just leaves everything everywhere and I can’t stand it. I know people with depression find this job difficult and that’s why I have been doing it. I know I sound selfish but I just feel like my feelings don’t matter. My friends can see this too and have confronted me about this but they don’t understand as much as I do the deepness of why he acts this way and I know it’s not on purpose. I just feel like I can’t even go to these friends now because they are just judging him on his actions and don’t understand the full story. What do I do? Do I just keep supporting him and wait a while seeing as he is going to a psychologist now? I’ve already told him that I don’t think he’s understanding how I feel in all this and he said we will get through it and that he is sorry, but nothing’s changed yet.

The majority of our relationship is great and this only happens once in a while, but at the moment his depression has taken over.

Thanks everyone. X

[Loulabell]

Oh I also forgot to add, lately hes been snapping at me for small things that he wouldn't usually snap at me for. I regonise when hes deeply upset because he snaps at me which makes make suddenly anxious and worried and I tend to rush by his side because I know that if I'm there it won't lead to a meltdown. 

[hellosunshine]

Dear Loulabell, 

It actually sounds to me like you're being very wise and strong in dealing with your boyfriend's depression. I am going through something similar with my boyfriend at the moment and although every person's experience is different I can certainly relate to the feeling of "what about me" that arises sometimes. 

It seems like you are already very aware of the way that depression can make people go into themselves so that even the most caring, considerate person becomes very self-absorbed. My partner has made me feel the most loved and understood I have ever felt in my 32 years on this planet, and yet (due to his depression) at times he looks right through me, is often distant and non-communicative, or even tells me that I should leave him. I also feel like you at times, like my feelings don't matter, but it can be almost impossible for people with depression to see anything outside of their own troubled thoughts. When you say you feel he has gotten what he needs from you, you are right. He needs you right now and because he is sick he has little to offer in return. Have hope that as he begins to get better the balance will start to shift. My boyfriend will come and dry the dishes after I wash them sometimes, or I'll suggest he vacuums while I do everything else. Little steps in theh right direction and doing things together help me to feel more optimistic.

I know that my boyfriend loves me, and in the moments that his depression lifts slightly I can feel that love again. I know that the way he is right now is because he is ill. He is not being like this to hurt me, it is not about me at all, it is all about him struggling with depression. 

Maybe you could try to explain to your friends that it is an illness, not laziness or being mean. If he was suffering from cancer they wouldn't question you about your support would they? Why is it any different? 

Unfortunately it is not a sprint back to health, it is a marathon. My advice to you would be to keep positive that things will gradually change, especially as he is seeking help. Let him know you will be by his side through this process and make sure you look after yourself well. Your health and well-being is very important for the both of you!