Trapped as a carer

grt123 · ‎19-05-2019

I've posted a few times about my ex husband. He has PTSD and is an alcoholic. One reason (and there were many) we're not together is that watching him career downhill was killing me. Here's the rub: While I am loving being on my own but I can't shake responsibility for him. It's me that takes him to medical appointments, that fills out the endless forms and makes dozens of calls to services every week. His health is so bad now that he needs specialists and treatments that he can't get to and simply cant afford on his own - and there's no one else to help. He won't do anything for himself in fact I'm astounded by the level of illness and discomfort he will tolerate and not take action. I know he doesn't want to die but he will sit in his own excrement, feeling like death, and drink wine until he's pissed every night then complain when he wakes up feeling like crap. Other than take medication he's inert. Furthermore he just expects that I'll be there for him. Yesterday I forked out another $500 for a specialist and he didn't even thank me - he walked out of the surgery and waited in the car while I fixed up the bill. I have had a gutful of people telling me 'he's an adult and this is his choice' and 'you have to take care of yourself'. I don't have a choice here- I either help or he dies!

PamelaR · ‎20-05-2019

Hi Grt

I see you've been given some great support about understanding PTSD.

Being a carer is hard work and often feels like it can be very thankless. You sound a very caring person - good on you for all the things you do for your ex.

It seems to me that you could do with some caring yourself. Is there anyone in your life you can turn to for support?

Maybe you could Plan some care that doesn't always involve you. Do you know about the Carer Gateway? This website provides details of services that are available throughout Australia. The website can be found at - https://www.carergateway.gov.au/about-carers

I hope this helps you Grt.

Kind regards

PamelaR

white knight · ‎20-05-2019

Hi, welcome

There is only one answer- wean yourself from such responsibilities while replacing them with other means.

I'm sorry I dont have an easy answer. There is merit in the thinking, the more you do, the more he relies on you to do it!

There is facilities out there for people like him to be housed. But ad long as you pick up the pieces, he'll stay where he is.

Well done in saving him, time to save yourself

TonyWK

grt123 · ‎21-05-2019

Thank you for the thoughtful response. Unfortunately we live in the country and what I've found is that the services just don't stretch this far. We could travel to larger centres but he's so volatile I'm genuinely afraid he'll run us into a tree or under a truck. If I arrange to have him go by himself he won't participate in the treatment but sits there like a rock. I call services and just end up with more phone numbers to ring. When I said there's no one else I wasn't exaggerating. If there was I'd have found them. The reason I can't let go is that I truly loved the man he was and I do this for him - not the a-hole he is now.

geoff · ‎21-05-2019

Hello Grt, I've gone back and read a couple of your previous comments and feel the pain you are having to cope with, and now it's not giving you the freedom you want.

It's amazing his specialist hasn't suggested for him to be put into hospital with his condition, although I'm not qualified to say, but for you to pay $500 isn't allowing you any chance to move forward.

You could ring the police and mention his condition, they may go around and check on him and decide whether or not to take him to hospital.

My ex-wife left me to pay for everything when she left me before the divorce, fortunately, we were in credit with the house payments, which gave me time to sell the house.

At that stage I was far from being well but in the long term, it was probably what I needed, all ties to be cut.

We still talk and see each other now and go halves in presents, but I like living alone.

Love is a strange word, it has so many different connotations, I love my ex, but we can't live together and I know the situation you are in but ' you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink'.

My Best.

Geoff.

grt123 · ‎22-05-2019

Geoff you always give such considered and kind replies. I must admit I had a bad weekend. I ended up taking him to emergency again. I get tired and really frustrated with how hard it all is. He often gets the runaround from Doctors and services that don't care and when they do care he blows off their advice. There is zero chance I could get him into a nursing home - he's still comparatively young and he's defiant.

I like your suggestion about the Police welfare check as I sometimes can't get there myself.

Thanks Geoff.

geoff · ‎22-05-2019

Hello Grt, thanks so much for your reply, it means a great deal to those who reply back to those who are posting a comment that they want answered.

People who drink alcohol or who are addicted to alcohol are often in denial, his way out for any problems is to have another drink and what any doctor has to say to him, they refuse to believe, what I'm trying to say is, you are spending money and taking him to appointments that he doesn't appreciate.

I feel sorry that you are put into a situation like this, but he has to realise that the opposite of denial is acknowledging or accepting that he has a problem that needs addressing.

You can't keep taking him, wasting your time and spending your money until he realises this, so if I can offer a suggestion to you that once you back off then eventually he will wake up and then get the help he needs.

That's what my wife (ex) did to me, left me to realise that something had to be done.

I'm sorry for you but please let us know how you are going.

I'm about to log off but will check first thing early in the morning.

Take care.

Geoff.

grt123 · ‎22-05-2019

Good morning Geoff!

Hope you had a good night. I tried some tough love today. He has to see four specialists and I asked him to call up and make the appointments himself. Small step but nonetheless it's a step:)

geoff · ‎23-05-2019

Hi Grt, yes thanks I did, likewise, I hope for yourself under the circumstances.

It is small steps and whether or not he makes these calls is up to him, if he wants to get better then he has to take the initiative and as much as you want him to do this, he has to make the decision.

The other concern is that for him to see 4 specialist sounds really good, however, if he
doesn't have a good session with the first doctor then he may not go to any of the other sessions.

That's out of your control because if you take him to another specialist he may only pretend that there is nothing wrong, so please let him do it himself to begin with, later on if circumstances change, then you may decide to join him, but please look after yourself, and please let us know what's happening.

Many Thanks.

Geoff.

Maegzo93 · ‎30-07-2019

Hey mate,

Just looking over your post I can recognise how stuck you feel. I was previously caring for my partner but realistically our relationship is about to end because there's little gratitude and lots of bull.

I had an idea for if you ever decide to distance yourself. Have a strong-willed accountability buddy a text or call away. Say if you're going to put up a boundary and he's fighting you. Because that's likely. You can text this person and for lack of a better term, borrow some strength to get the job done. If there's no alternative and all that's left is you, then that's it, but just because you can't rely on anybody else to take over the jobs that you do doesn't mean you can't rely on them for anything else.

I see that this was back in May so I really hope things are easing up. If not, I hope you're getting the help you need.