Transient angry wife

[HGC]

Hi all,

I posted a while back about my wife. Things settled down, but it was just a lull in the storm. I'm in a bind because I think she kinda, sorta, maybe has a personality disorder and some remnant of PTSD over her father's death (suicide). She has flatly refused any form of counselling (personal or couple) and does a flawless Jekyll and Hyde routine. At her worst, she's screaming in my face telling me not to walk away and that she will take my child away and that our daughter needs to choose between us, plus reciting every single thing I ever did wrong. Then the rain clouds clear, and its like nothing ever happened.

I've personally resolved never to engage her while she's in that mode, which in the heat of the moment infuriates her even more. But I'm certain nothing good will come from it, so just not going there on my part, even if it means the end for us. Obviously I'm also concerned about the behaviour being observed by my daughter, who is primary school age now.

I suppose my question is, how to encourage someone with no grasp of mental health and no playback of their own behaviour? I feel unable to initiate that conversation because it will just flip upside down into a full blown meltdown. I'm sure others are in the same boat, what did you do?

Thanks for any advice.

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

I have a few ideas.

She wont go to counseling? Go yourself to learn how to cope with her. However, when she asks you how the session is going be evasive. It is your counseling not hers, you can invite her to accompany you- then it becomes counseling for both of you.

That action will in the least make her aware of the seriousness of the problem for you.

Relationship conflict must have rules, such rules have to have, for full effect, commitment in total. Yelling is abuse, making someone respond when they feel threatened is abuse and the silent treatment can also be abuse if used as a weapon.

Here are some threads you can google - just read the first posts

Beyondblue Topic the definition of abuse

Beyondblue Topic is there room for stubbornness?

Beyondblue Topic does stubbornness have a place?

Beyondblue Topic relationship strife? The peace pipe

Repost anytime

TonyWK

[HGC]

Thank you for the reply Tony. The links are helpful and I agree there needs to be a rule book for conflict which is defined at peace time.

I'm unsure that telling my wife I am going to counselling would work well. That would feed her paranoia and jealousy and her perception that I'm selfish. But I do need better strategies to deal with her. I'm so exhausted from trundling along each day, and then suddenly being hit with an emotion tornado from left field, leaving me reeling with no accountability on her part. My folks have been very helpful, but definitely need some extra help.

[Croix]

Dear HGC~

I've read your previous posts talking to Unicorns&Rainbows and Sheogorath and know that you have thought about the values that should be in a relationship, and understand the factors that made your father walk away from your grandfather.

Here in this relationship you are always reacting, and your wife is taking the lead, and sadly falling through to bouts of toxic behavior. As you say the reason could be reason could be one of several thngs.

I guess in such circumstances you could try to continue going along with this, and evade the worst of it as best you can, not a hopeful prospect, you only have limited endurance to emotional battering, the same as anyone else. I doubt your daughter will benefit from this example of a partnership. Do you think doing that is viable long term?

Another alternative is to try to act reasonably, so at least you can regard yourself as worthy in your own right, provide a stable example to your daughter, and let your wife see you are not reacting to excess whilst maybe helping her realize what she is doing.

For me this would be to follow Tony's suggestion and seek counseling, at least for your self, with the door open should your wife ever desire to either join you or in some other way seek medical diagnosis and support. It may give you understanding of the problem and even strategies to deal with it and support your daughter.

As you have indicated this will probably not be well received, all I can suggest is that I would announce this during a 'quiet' period and emphasize I was doing it so as to remain together.

This of course is just me, I cannot make any real suggestions for you, as the person on the spot it is your judgment that counts.

What do you think?

Croix