To stay, or not to stay: That is the question.

[Nothappyuni]

Let me start by saying I know I have to leave; It is not advice I am looking for, it is understanding why I have not left.

I find wonder and beauty in nature, art and people, but, along with the highs are the lows, I can't help thinking about my relationship. I have a partner who suffers from depression and self loathing. I was drawn to her like yin to yang. But, when one person is a vacuum that draws all warmth, the other is left cold; eventually the fire has to burn out. Everything I did to help my partner, only held her demons at bay. I realise that I cannot 'fix' what is broken in my 'partner', no matter how much love and affection is applied. Everyone must make change in themselves.

I read the posts by 'rhinoceros' and was prompted to write this. My 'partner' has intimacy problems, no hugs, no touching and no sex, it wasn't like that for 18 years, then like a light being turned off, it was ended. This makes me feel unwanted and unattractive. My feelings are my own, but we all know they are a bitter pill to swallow. You put on weight, you stop looking after your appearance, you become worthless and loveless. I understand this is a form of control, you can never leave a relationship if no one else will have you. I have packed my bags a dozen times, but it is not so easy after 25 years to walk away.

It is even harder to leave when your partner threatens: to kill themselves, to take everything from you, to make it as painful as possible, or to make your children hate you. I am told that I am incredibly selfish, my 'partner' admits to having problems, they make her call me names, and say "your'e stupid", "you are nothing", "everything you do is sh*t".

In the back my mind a voice asks "what would it be like to have love and be loved again, to have physical contact with someone, to have a moment of passion however short?". All the couples therapists, psychologists, counsellors, have told us my partner should be on anti depressants, and cut back her drinking. But it is not going to happen. She is desperate to recapture her youth.

So I have to leave, for myself and for her. So many people on this site have done it; even I have been married and divorced from a partner that slept around on me. It was easy to end because I had the anger of betrayal. But, with this, I just feel sorrow for my partner, she is so terrified of being alone and I have no anger, no hate to fuel my departure. She insists I must stay, saying "life is not so bad for me".

[Nothappyuni]

Hi EVERYONE,

I hope everyone that sees a parallel (even if remote) can take comfort in not being the only one in a difficult relationship like this.

I feel where you are all coming from too.

It is impossible to explain the impact this sort of treatment has on a persons self confidence and the flow on effect of your self worth. As Rocky said, "Nothing is real if you don't believe in yourself", and if you are told you are worthless day in day out, it starts to stick. It isn't right for someone to bolster their own insecurities by putting someone else down. But, it would appear it is all too common.

I think people who threaten a partner with hurtful things are control freaks. My 'partner' is a control freak, I know it, I am just too scared of starting all over again. Does everyone else have good and bad days? I find my moods change according to my 'partner's' mood. I can be having a good day, then I am told I am stupid and worthless, and should go find someone else. This sends me plummeting into depression. I realise it is control, my 'partner' putting me in my place, it is easy to control someone who is depressed and has no faith in themselves.

I am insanely loyal, my 'partner' knows it too, and uses it against me. I see a lot of people writing posts that they were unhappy and had a fling/affair whatever. People say they were confused so they slept with someone else. I believe it was being unhappy in their existing relationship that drove them to a fork in their path– try and fix things with partner or start with someone new. At times I just want to be alone, I think that is because I am scared no one would have me.

That is just me being honest. I am in a good mood today, I have not ben insulted for two days. I recharge fairly quickly, but in the back of my mind I know the insults will come sooner than later.

All the best to everyone. With Christmas coming there will be people out there much worse off than me, I feel for them all.