The phone

[Dudeman_Jim]

My wife recently attempted suicide, due to overwhelming work-related stress. She was diagnosed with severe depression but since then has been actively seeking medical assistance and treatment, and is well on the road to recovery. 

It has been a traumatic time for both of us but I have been really proud of the way she has been trying to get her life back on track. 

There is just one thing, though, that is troubling me and it is becoming an increasing problem to not only myself but to family and friends as well - she refuses to pick up and answer the phone whenever it rings. 

At first I thought, okay, she's a little embarrassed about what happened and isn't ready to talk to people yet. She talks openly with medical professionals about what happened while in consultation, so nothing to worry about. But the phone issue is becoming worse. If I work late and call home to let her know I'm running late, it always goes to voicemail - even though I know she's home and screening calls. Even though she had assured me she will never attempt anything again, there is always this sick feeling in my gut knowing I cannot get through to her, even when I know she's home. i even have to relate how she's going to her parents because she refuses to talk to them on then phone. 

Her mobile phone rang the other day and she didn't answer it because it was a blocked number. We had a major argument because I later found it was her doctor wanting to check up on her, to see how her recovery was going. 

Up until now I've been the one helping make appointments for her, occasionally calling in sick to her work on her behalf, things like that. I am scared that if I keep pushing her to pick up the phone more, it may undo all the great work she has been doing to help herself. What should I do?

[The_Real_David_Charles]

Dear Dudeman Jim,

If you are a real Dudeman you would have lost the phone and this wouldn't be an issue.  Lol.  Sorry, just trying to lighten things up on this serious topic.  Now then..

Pressure from a friend asking how you are after a suicide attempt to a doctor checking up on things is almost unbearable.   Having a partner also check up that calls were screened, missed, stuck down the toilet, whatever, instead of answered would just about push a recovering partner over the edge again.

Just think about it.  Would you like to be on constant surveillance ?   This is how the psych wards do it for at risk patients - they strip them of their clothes, isolate them, force sedatives or similar to calm them down, put them down on the ward list as an at risk category that requires monitoring every 15 mins and generally is never allowed OUT into the gardens or whatever unless under supervision.  The patient is forced to wear hospital pyjamas until deemed OK to wear normal clothes.   All good safeguards for a medical facility.  But you and your wife live at home.

When you force monitor your wife's phone response it's kind of linking in to all the hospital protocol so if your wife spent some time at the psych ward after her suicide attempt it's just gonna feel like you are Matron and imposing.     You can probably argue till the cows come home about "but it's for her safety" but if she doesn't want to communicate by phone that's totally her call  (sorry, no pun intended).   Maybe respecting and accepting her decision over the phone is a better way to support her while she's recovering.   She's committed no crime by being phone free.  She's saying "I'm not ready yet".    Your saying "But I want to control you".

And then, if she gets the confidence back, she can always call people back.  Maybe varying your work hours or getting an odd friend/relative to drop in is more supportive.  One of my neighbours had a regular 6pm call set up because he is over 80 yrs.   The one time the other week he didn't respond the brother rushed over and found him on the floor and managed to get hospital help.  But, my point is, it was my neighbour that set all that up.  Maybe your wife just doesn't want that kind of help at the moment.   Best to go for selective space instead of calculated response.  As you say, "she is well on the way to recovery".

Adios, David.

PS  Does your wife have a suicidal trigger regarding the phone ?

[Dudeman_Jim]

Thanks David for your response, and the great insight into my wife's current psyche. I have tried to stop nagging her about not answering it and it has resolved some of the tension in the house. She hasn't spent any time in a psyche ward, thank god, but there has been a constant stream of close family and friends wanting to see how she's going etc. I can fully appreciate how annoying that can be, in hindsight, especially being reminded of what had happened in a moment of sheer despair. 

I've been answering the phone while we've both been home and if the call is for her, asking if she wants to speak to the other person. Most of the time she does. But baby steps for the time being. 

- Jim

[S_A_D_]

Baby Steps are the way to go DudeMan,

I have been treated for more than one phobia, and have helped others overcome phobias. Fear of answering the phone, or telephonobia, is reasonably common as far as phobias go. It is possible she answered the phone some time ago, and the person she spoke to caused her some significant psychological harm. She may have forgotten speaking to the person, and may even have forgotten the incident altogether, but in her subconscious she may have incorrectly associated being harmed with answering the phone. I present this hypothesis on the basis that she seems to have no trouble talking on the phone when the unseen person has been screened by you or voicemail as “friendly”.

May I suggest an experiment? Tell her you are going to call your home from your mobile while inside your home next to her, and ask her to answer it. If she hesitates, which I expect she will, show her the screen of your mobile that clearly shows it is your mobile calling your home. Repeat this process until she picks up the phone and answers. Then continue to repeat it until she stops asking to see the screen of your mobile phone. Then continue to repeat as you move further away from the location of your home phone. Eventually she will have to answer it, knowing it is you, despite not being able to see you.

Once her trust has been rebuilt, you can continue further. Tell her you will call immediately after leaving the house on your way to work, and repeat. Then start telling her you will call as soon as you get to work. This would probably suffice in terms of vertical lines of trust between you and her. Then you can start telling her that you will call her from another line, like her parents house, immediately after hanging up a call from your mobile. Once she is talking to you, ask her to talk to her parents. Then you can start building horizontal lines of trust. Ask her parents to tell her that they are going to hang up and call her straight back, but it wont be you on the line. It’ll be them.

Be gentle. It doesn’t matter if this process takes 6 weeks or 6 years. The only important thing is that she is gradually rebuilding her sense of trust in the phone. Don’t panic if she relapses and retreats back into her shell. This is a common and expected reaction presented by patients learning to overcome a phobia. If this happens, or should I say when, be patient with her. You will have to start again, possibly from the very beginning, but statistically speaking she will likely progress through the stages faster than the first time. The trust work you did with her was not lost, just needed to be renewed and reinforced. She will need to go back and check that the foundations on which she has based all this new and scary trust on is sound and solid and reliable, and every step between the foundation and the next frontier is sound and solid and reliable. There are short cuts to this process, but I suggest not trying them. They are risky. Only when used by an extremely experienced psychologist and hypnotist are they considered, and even then usually avoided.

[The_Real_David_Charles]

Dear Dudeman Jim,

Does you wife answer the door bell ?

Adios, David.

PS  I think I had a longer than usual psych stay once (and I would have to say "thank God" to that rather than succeed with a suicide plan !) and some relative rang from England.   The nurses were all "OMG, you've got a call from London" and I was all "I don't want to take it but I'll get in touch when I'm out of here".   Then there were some mutterings about being an ungrateful bastard, but really, I didn't need the judgement call from overseas.  I knew they weren't ringing for support. Maybe you have to trust your wife's intuition and be grateful she's still alive.

[geoff]

dear Jim, I was exactly the same as your wife, I hated it when the phone rang and I screened them or pressed 101, there was no way I would answer the phone not unless I knew that someone I wanted to talk to was going to ring at a time which we would organise.

My heart would dropped when the damn phone rang.

Can you send an email to her or text her.

Is she strong enough to post on here or would she be interested.

I really hope the very best for her on her way to recovery, and you are a very caring and wonderful husband. All the very best. Geoff.