Supporting teenage son as we navigate justice system

[Rawlikesushi]

I understand this is a public forum and I don't want to expose my family in any way so I won't go into details. Our son has been accused of some very serious charges of sexual assault. He swears that the sex was consensual and has not changed his story since the incident. We are supporting him as best as we can and for the most part over the last 3 months we have believed that he is telling the truth. We have only recently seen the statement from the claimant (I avoid calling her the victim because it implies guilt) but sometimes I find myself wondering if he actually is capable of these crimes. It's a horrible feeling to have those moments when you don't believe your child, especially in a situation as serious as this. Over the years I have had feminist conversations with him, teaching him that women are to be respected and that 'No means No' and I don't want to believe that he couldn't control himself and treated someone with such callous disrespect. Our son is a typical adolescent in so many ways - moody, irritable, irresponsible, and has made lots of stupid decisions that have landed him in trouble at school and beyond school. There have been many times when he has refused to take responsibility for his actions, but we have tended to take that as a sign of immaturity rather than maliciousness. Right now we are trying to support him and each other but we are spending tens of thousands on legal fees and it is taking a toll on my mental health (depression, social anxiety, chronic absenteeism). I am very worried about him. He is getting regular counselling but his mood has recently deteriorated and he is self-harming and confesses to feeling 'distanced from the rest of the world,' He is very dark and difficult to reach.

I'm interested to know if anyone else is in this situation and how are you coping?

Thanks

[white knight]

Hi raw, welcome.

There are a few of us here with law related previous occupations. I worked in the prisons, local laws and in investigations.

There is a critical issue here....innocent until proven guilty.

That is the law of the land regardless of anything else...anything.

So, based on that if l was his parent, I'd support him fully however-

I would also suggest that if he is found guilty he has to pay the penalty of his crime. Also, he should be made aware of your situation. That you were not present so you cannot ever know if he did or didnt break the law.

So, you are being a good parent but you do not have the super powers needed to ultimately know what happened.

I was a young man once to and l mixed with many in the RAAF and on the street. Some could fool their parents easily. Your son might have that capability. Either way keep supporting him and encourage the truth. Dwelling on all issues surrounding this saga will cause you more harm mentally. Keep it simple, attend court with him and remember innocent until proven guilty.

If found guilty, the system isnt foolproof but its a pretty good one.

Thankyou for being here. Post when you feel like you need to talk.

Tony WK

[blondguy]

Hello Rawlikesushi

You are in quicksand right now....I hear you

My daughter (in her 20's) self harmed late 2015 and I was beside myself...I understand...

Your health right now is paramount......even your sons predicament is secondary...(seriously)

TonyWK is spot on that you may expose yourself to more psychological harm by constant dwelling on this matter when you have been doing everything you possibly have....There is only so much you can do at this moment.

Sometimes our kids can take the wrong fork in the road no matter how good a parent we are/have been and there is very little we can do about it as they have chosen their own path (whether innocent or guilty of course)

Only if its okay Raw, can I ask if you have been to have a chat to a counselor? You are going through a minefield right now. We all need to vent.....especially with how much you have on your plate right now.

I very sorry to say this Raw.....(and with all respect for the love you have for your son) and forgive me but your well being (health) is crucial for you to 'be there' whilst supporting your son.

Please take a step back....Even as a great dad (which you are)....there is only so much you can do at this time

you are not alone here Raw

there are many people here that have some serious issues happening that can be here for you, no worries.

Even if you just want a chat, you are more than welcome

I really hope you can get back to us. This site is rock solid secure to ensure your privacy

my sincere best to you

Paul

[Gruffudd]

My grandmother went through this with my uncle.

There is no question that the support he got was evident in his relationship with her right through adulthood. He was incredibly isolated from his peers, there were rumours and bullying behind the backs of the adults. It was the 60's, different technology and pressures.

She managed by taking time to be supported and made sure she kept on with the things that she enjoyed and kept her going. - the other two have a point, don't forget yourself.

Working in out of home care with boys accused of things, some probability did it, most didn't. I can never know for sure so assume the best. What I know is that they needed someone to care and help them see a future, where they are respected and valued and do the same for others.

Your son is loved for so many aspects, they are unchanged. He won't be a moody teenager forever. If my uncle is anything to go by he will have listened to everything you have said.

I hope all of your family will get through this together to a better time.

[Rawlikesushi]

Thank you so much for your reply, it helps a lot to know that others have been through similar situations but have come through the other side and are stronger for the experience.

i really appreciate you being there.

Raw

[Rawlikesushi]

Thanks Tony,

it is so helpful to have someone who understands the way the justice system works. There are so many hoops to jump through and we are all learning a lot about the system, legal lingo, processes etc. As you say he is innocent until proven guilty and whatever happens we will support our son. I am trying every day to be gentle with myself and we are seeing a psychologist who has been very supportive.

we just have to trust that the justice system will do what it is designed to do and that he will learn from all of this.

Thanks again for sharing your experience

R

[Rawlikesushi]

Thanks so much for your reply and your support Paul, it really means a lot to know we are not alone in this difficult situation.

we have a psychologist who is supporting our son and I have just got myself a mental health care plan so it is my turn to talk to someone now. I am going back to work tomorrow after a lot of time off and to be honest I'm really anxious about being overwhelmed or triggered by stress. It's so important that I look after myself first - thank you for reminding me!

again many thanks for your best wishes,

R

[blondguy]

Hello Raw

Thanks for posting back....You are amazing....you have responded to everyone individually especially considering your current circumstances.

The people on the forums are here for you Raw 🙂 Even if you feel anxious at work or at night there are very kind people that can be here for you...........even if you just want to have a chat.

Your son is lucky to have a parent as strong and caring as yourself

What a wonderful person you are R

Its great to have you here as part of the Beyond Blue forum family 🙂

my kindest thoughts for you and your son

Paul

[geoff]

hello Raw, firstly I want to thankyou for your comment back to me on your other post, I really appreciated it so much.
It can be quite possible that these charges have been brought up just so that the claimant will be awarded some money if he is charged and not so much about whether or not he will be sentenced to time in jail.
When he has refused to take responsibility for his actions is what a typical adolescent does, we were all the same, but as the years progress and your talks with him, he will start to mature and understand what is right and what is wrong and just because he was in trouble at school has no bearing on what he is capable of doing now, don't all of us change when we were in school to where we are situated now, irrespective on whether or not we have depression.
Not only you but your son is feeling the pressure because he doesn't know who he can trust, so he feels isolated and very lonely, even though you are their by his side, but that's slightly different to having any of his friends stick by him, and I feel that's something he is missing to be supported by his mates.
If he has deteriorated even though he is seeing a counsellor, then have you thought about trying to get another psych, and preferrably a male psych he might feel more comfortable with.
Never be afraid to call someone if you feel as though you are definitely worried about his safety so he can be taken to hospital.
I am so pleased that you are seeing a psychologist and as hard as it is to ask them, all the hard questions, and as painful as it is it may provide you with some strength.
I hope so but please keep in touch with this post, because you need as much support as possible. Geoff.

[Flossie71]

Hello Raw,

i am literally going through exactly what you are at the moment, it has been going on for 12 mths. It is the worst thing i have ever experienced in my life. I don't want to go into details but I can't believe this is happening to my beautiful son. I am so scared what is going to happen. I believe him & support him 100% but it is the fear of the unknown and not having any support of mum's going through the same situation, I feel so alone. He is such a good boy and we have never been in trouble with the law so it is such a minefield. I received some very bad news in relation to the case on monday and had a panic attack at work and literally ran out - i thought i was going to die!!!! We have been told this may drag on until the middle of next year!!! I already suffer from depression and this is killing me, if it wasn't for my kids I don't think I could go on. Nobody knows about this, only me, my husband and my son. I don't know what to do or where to turn! Financially this has been horrendous as well. I literally spent friday in bed all day crying, i just couldn't move. Where is the support for parents??? There is NOTHING out there for us! I am scared