Supporting suicidal friend

Cybil101 · ‎04-02-2021

Hi. I have a friend who has potentially undiagnosed depression and anxiety and a history of suicide attempts. Lately she has been lashing out at me and telling me she does not want me in her life, doesn't need me etc etc. She has previously mentioned she feels like a burden and I think this is because she doesn't feel she is worthy of my love and support. I'm trying to be as supportive as I can, just by offering to listen if she needs to talk. Sometimes she comes good again and apologises and says she did not mean to take it out on me. She is not in a position to seek therapy at the moment and has an unsupportive family. Any suggestions on what I do when she says she does not want me in her life? I'm scared that would tip her over the edge, as I seem to be her only support.

white knight · ‎04-02-2021

Hi, welcome

Firstly as helpers to people in your friends situation, it is not healthy for you to worry about your own inactions or actions for fear of "tipping her over the edge". We are human beings and sometimes we are not capable of assisting someone (for whatever reason) hence if she did something drastic it would not be your fault. Worry only produces ulcers.

It is commendable of you to want to help her. Realise that often peoples sadness/depression is cyclic and waiting for the cycle to evolve is sometimes a good idea. If she is abusive and really wants you to go then- go, but ring her in the morning to check up on her. If she asks you "why are you ringing me- I told you yesterday I didnt want to see you"? Then say "yes but you werent in a good place then and I'm a good friend that cares".

Of course if she is seriously wanting her solitude and cant tolerate other people then you have no option but to remain distant.

Also, when people are in depression less is more- just a hand on her shoulder is often enough to be supportive. We can get carried away by over talking and trying to solve all problems a sufferer has but then they can feel crowded. Less is more.

I hope it all goes well.

TonyWK

james1 · ‎04-02-2021

Hello Cybil101,

It's nice to meet you but I'm really sorry to hear that you are feeling a bit scared about what to do to support your friend. Supporting people with depression or even who are just very stressed can be really tough because, as you say, they often take that out on the people who are trying to help.

TonyWK has made some really wonderful suggestions about ensuring you are helping but maintaining your own emotional boundaries, since you are not ultimately responsible for her, and also that sometimes less is more.

I'm not sure what more I can really add in terms of practical advice, but I do have an anecdote which perhaps can give you some comfort that you might actually just be doing all you can. In late high school, my sister had a really bad break up with a friend who was going through a lot in her life. My sister tried to support her friend, being on the phone for hours every night for months. In the end, the friend cut my sister off and for a few years, that was that. My sister just ended up needing to let her friend go. Skip forward a few years, this friend reaches out and they've become very close again.

I am not suggesting that your friendship will break or anything like that, but rather that people can often be more resilient than we think. We don't really know what our friends need, and it can often be better to let them lead. Being available and open can make the difference, as can trusting your friend to reach out when she really needs it. It's really hard to let go of that worry when they don't have much support, but if you can clearly express your willingness to help if they ask, and also your desire to give her space when she needs that, I think you'd be doing as much as anyone could reasonably expect.

I hope you're managing okay, and please don't forget to take care of yourself as well.

James

Cybil101 · ‎05-02-2021

Thanks James. It's a rollercoaster of emotions in this situation. It is so hard to let go of that worry, as you said. I guess we can only help someone as much as they want to be helped and ultimately it is their decision on what they need. Thanks for reaching out.

Helarctus · ‎05-02-2021

Hello Cybil101,

Do the best you can at the time with the information you have on hand. You are not responsible for what they will do or have done.

Sometimes the best thing to do is to step away, if the person is unsure of themselves it is going to throw all of their relationships in doubt. Hopefully you can have a discussion when the person is "well" for want of a better term, about how far you will step back when they say they want space, so that the distance becomes a known factor.

That way when they say they want you to go, you know how far, they know how far, and you both know how to reach for each other.

If the person is not in a position to seek therapy right now, they can still contact the people at Beyond Blue for a talk with someone, it can be a good thing to talk to an anonymous person who isn't directly involved or invested in the situation to help get the words out and the thoughts into shape.

*IF* things get bad, you can call the emergency services for a welfare check, they will show up (usually police and ambulance) and make a professional assessment of the wellbeing of the person, taking them to hospital where they can talk with a psychologist/iatrist.

The person may hate you in the moment for it, my friend did, but after they realised why I did it, we have been able to build on that trust with the knowledge that I will help where I can and I will call for help when they are floundering if I cannot.

Cybil101 · ‎05-02-2021

Some really good tips there. It's that balance between supporting and also giving them the space they need to rest. It's all a learning curve. So far today she has come back and we are talking about it, which is great. I think I just need to ride out the cycles and be patient.

james1 · ‎08-02-2021

Hello Cybil,

yes, it certainly can be a rollercoaster of emotions and can be really hard to let go of worry. I'm glad to hear she's come back and you're talking again. I hope it goes well and we're here if you ever want to talk.

James

Guest_4643 · ‎08-02-2021

Hi Cybil101, welcome. It's nice that you're trying to care for your friend, and you reached out here. You did the right thing, because this is a supportive place, full of kindness, love, etc. No judgement whatsoever from anybody here. You're also doing the right thing supporting your friend.

I'm sorry they lash out at you and say the things you mentioned. It could just be the fact they have trust issues and are afraid of judgement, rejection, failure, getting too close, and so forth. Perhaps they have "walls" up so to speak and like a bubble, they don't want anyone coming inside. That's common for those with mental illnesses.

They're not a burden, and are worthy of love, yours included. But once again, it's common for those who are mentally ill to feel that way and say those things also.

I'm sure deep down they appreciate your kindness and efforts in supporting them, they may just be confused and having a tough time and they're unsure of how to show their appreciation. But I'm sure they are thankful for you.

Perhaps they think that because their family is unfortunately unsupportive (thats so sad, I'm so sorry), that others like you may be too. Of course you're the opposite, you ARE supportive, but they probably figure that just because their family is that everyone may be like that, which isn't true.

I hope this answers your questions a bit, I'm sorry if it doesn't, these are just my personal thoughts and from my personal experiences, plus you got some helpful answers above.

Please know that you're doing everything you can, and just being there is enough whether that means talking to them, listening, giving them space, whatever. I'm sure your friend does appreciate it and is grateful, even if they're struggling and not sure what to do or say.

I do hope that they can get the therapy they need and deserve, and they can work on a road to recovery.

Best of luck to you and your friend, I hope your friendship is okay, and nothing happens to it or either of you.

We're here for you, and your friend, even if they're not on the BB forums, always.

Please stay safe, and your friend too, take care.