Supporting a depressed husband - seeking hope

[815]

I am married to an amazing man. We have been together 20 years, married for 15 and have 2 amazing daughters. We have always stood by each other, and he has always been loving and supportive.

Towards the end of last year, my husband told me he was depressed. At that time, I asked him to get help. He said he didn't want to and we left it at that and things got better for a few months. But for the most part of this year things have been very up and down,. A couple of weeks ago he admitted that he wanted to die.

I know nothing about depression so every time we talk about it, I ask him to get help. However over the last few weeks he has stopped talking to me, and started sleeping in our spare room. He has told me that I can't help him, he wants to go it alone, I haven't been there for him, and may other hurtful things. I keep telling myself that it is the depression, but it causes me great pain and sadness.

Last week one of his oldest friends contacted me to tell me that my husband had been to see him. He told him he's lost and disconnected, doesn't know where he is, and how or where I stand with him. But his friend told me that he loves me, and that I can't give up, even when/if my husband says he has. He hasn't given up. But I need to be patient and try to find a way to reconnect. I cry every time I think of this.

I do believe there is still love there. But I can also appreciate that the depression probably leave very little room for him to feel/see anything else right now.

I know the priority is to get him help. However as he keeps refusing, I feel there is little more that I can do.

I know he needs professional help and as long as I still have the strength to, I will keep trying to convince him to get help.

I am writing this post basically because I need hope. I need to know that there is light at the end of the tunnel. I need to know that loving him and simply being there for him (even though he says it's not enough) can get us through this. So if anyone has any experience, stories to share, tips and suggestions on how to reconnect, I would be very grateful.

I know that it sounds highly idealistic, and we don't live in fairy tales. But I have to keep believing that we will get through this somehow.

[Not_Batman]

Hi 815.

To put this into context, i was in your husbands position, and what he is going through is a very difficult thing. losing interest in absolutely everything, getting no satisfaction, and being upset about the smallest things. there were many times where i wanted to be left alone. it wasnt any of those things that led me to seeing a GP...it had to take a much harsher turn off events before I decided to take myself to the medical center.

Through it all I tried to see things from my wife's point of view. At first it was very difficult. no matter what my wife said or did, i just felt like she didnt understand what i was going through, what my body was telling me, and what my mind was telling me. There are still times when i'm at a low point, and i feel misunderstood. she might say something that i take as being really insensitive, but I know what her intention is.

Its only in the last 12 months that i have really looked deep into 12 - 36 months prior, and realised how hard it must have been for her. not only looking after 2 young kids, and working, but having to worry about a basket case to boot. i thought that i'd be alone in this, but the reality is that we went through it together, often times i was being dragged, pushed, or piggybacked. but i am thankful for every second she spent & spends with me.

One way for me to explain the depression so that my kids can understand is that all of the feelings fun, joy, love, excitement all get stuffed into a box, locked and kicked under the bed, and then you forget where you put the key. Going through the recovery process is the means of remembering where the box is, and where the key is, and going through rediscovering what's in the box...its not lost, its just packed away.

The advice that i can give is to be strong, be there, and dont give up on him, and take care of your mental health too.

Not_Batman

[815]

Hi Gypsy70,

How are you doing? I'm glad that you stumbled upon my post. However I am sad that you can relate to it so much, because it is such a heartbreaking situation to be in. I think I had replied to your own thread earlier when I was first going through the threads. I am also quite overwhelmed and exhausted myself. And to be honest I'm not sure where to from here. However I am still holding onto hope, and like you, I know that in both our hearts there is still love and that no matter how hard, I need to stay and support him.

Gypsy70, please keep posting here if it helps. Life has been a little hectic, however I will post more in the coming days.

As I've mentioned before, I had originally started this thread, to seek hope for myself. If only via words on a screen, I can provide hope and a little comfort to others that you are not alone on your journey, then there is at least some good that has come out of this bad situation.

Please take care of yourself and try to find joy in little things.

[815]

Hi Not_Batman,

I was in tears reading your post. All I can say is, thank you for posting that and giving me some insight into my husband's struggles. I think it is truly amazing that you can acknowledge your own struggles, and still see it from the perspective of your wife. And I have to say that your wife sounds truly amazing too.

You have given me hope and strength, to go forward on this road. And I do hope that one day, he will find the key to all those things he has locked away, and that there he will find me and our love again, and let me back in.

Please take care and continue to be strong too.

[KG82]

Thought I would just a post a quick update. I had a message from my partner the other day. I sent her one wishing her well for her first day of the new job, and she responded positively. It’s the first time in weeks that we’ve had a positive interaction. It took everything not to flood her with more messages to strike up conversation, and probably a good thing since she hasn’t read the couple of messages that I sent since.

The more that I read both on here and in other places, the more I can understand the withdrawal, and it’s heart breaking. No one wants to know that someone they love is suffering that much that they withdraw.

[quirkywords]

Hello everyone

Kg82

Thanks for sharing that your wife responded positively to your new message.
is that a good sign she is starting a new job?

I think just when we need people around we push them away and makes us feel first. I guess for some it feels like we are protecting loved ones and ourselves.

Not Batman thanks for your honesty and insights.

I just want to give everyone hope here and those reading whether you are suffering from depression or you are have a loved one who is.
It is so painful on either side but you are all trying so hard hard to understand yourself and your loved ones. be kind to yourselves.

[815]

Hi all,

I won't go into too many details but a few things have happened in the past week and I am after some thoughts on what to do. Basically we had a 'fight' in which my husband has told me that he can't get better with me here. He has admitted that he is angry at me, for various reasons, but mostly because he feels like I've done nothing.

I have since spoken to his sister who has in turn reached out to him. She says that he knows he is in a bad spot. He knows he needs to focus on himself. And it's hard for her to understand exactly what he needs or wants. But it is also probably hard for him to know what he wants. She says he needs to focus on himself, which I understand. She's just not sure how I fit in that. I don't think any of us do. And I know he is the one suffering depression, however since I am in the firing line, unfortunately this affects me greatly.

I obviously don't want to leave. However, I also do not want to get in the way of his recovery. And I know that time away from me is probably what he needs. And probably time away from him, is what I need too. And I know that spending some time apart doesn't necessarily mean 'leaving him', but I don't want him to perceive it that way either.

I really don't want to, but I feel as if I should initiate this conversation, and ask him how he imagines this would work, if we were to somehow spend some time apart. Because I know that if this is what he really wants and needs, we will need to try to sit down and talk calmly about this and how it would actually work, especially given that we have young kids who I imagine will also be greatly impacted by it.

I'm just after some advice, opinions, thoughts...has anyone tried spending time apart? What did it look like? How did you manage the kids? Did it help in the end?

I should note that we are in Melbourne so we have been hit really hard with the restrictions and basically have not had any time apart for a long time now.

[KG82]

Hi 815, I’ve got no real advice, but I do feel for you. It’s really hard when the person that you love the most just wants to be on their own. I really hope that you have the opportunity to sit down and talk, and work things through. Depression distorts thoughts and it’s so hard to think rationally. It’s a horrible disease. You really do sound like you’re doing absolutely everything that you can to help your husband. Keep going and stay strong.

[emotionallydrained]

Hi 815,

I'm sorry to hear this. I know it's not ideal, but I'm thinking time apart might be what you need to do. It does sound like whatever the reasons are in his mind, that you being there with him isn't helping him.

In my experience, the ones closest are the ones who get told they aren't doing enough to support. I got told this just this morning actually. In a bit of an argument I was told I don't praise him enough and haven't acknowledged his progress enough and it's sad when he has to seek praise from a friend 😕 I've been told that I'm not supportive a fair bit and it seems par for the course. I don't know what they're looking for either after all this time. I moved 2 states away from family and friends to be supportive! All I know is now I'm the one seeking the space because my own mental health is suffering but I am too scared to instigate that conversation for fear of where it'll lead. I know you don't want to, but the space might help your mental health as well. We try so hard to support and be there but we're only so strong and there is only so much a person can take before they break too.

I think it's not a bad thing to give both of you space and see where it goes. It can only make your head clearer and maybe help clear the air. Being in Melbourne and lock down is also not helping and I really hope for everyone down there including you that it ends really soon. I'm sure there are couples and families who aren't going through what you are who are also climbing the walls to get some space and having mental health issues arise because of it. It's just not healthy at all.

Take care and be strong. Your mental health is important too and you need to be there for your kids.

[815]

Hi everyone,

Thanks again for your responses and all your support on my situation.

I have no real positive update. We have had some other things to deal with in life, and as much as I did not want it to be about us, that's what it turned into. Despite the fact that a lot of things he has said to me in the past two weeks has been really hurtful, I guess at least he has communicated with me and I know where I stand and hopefully over time he and I can work through his issues (with me and everything else).

It has been exhausting for me so I took some time off work earlier this week to give myself a bit of a break. Unfortunately with our lockdown restrictions having space and time for ourselves is very difficult. I am doing my best to stay out of his way, while still being here for the kids as well.

In the meantime I have been seeking support from my a couple of close friiends, my SIL/BIL, my mum, my GP and Mental Health Services in my area. I will also be speaking to a psychologist next week.

I still feel very alone and isolated, heartbroken, sad, hurt, angry, tired...But for now, I will be staying here to provide whatever support I can for my family to get through this. But if I'm honest, I carry very little hope in my heart right now. But regardless of how little, it is still hope enough to keep me here.

So I basically just wanted to let everyone know that I am still here, holding on.

[emotionallydrained]

Hi 815,

Thank you for checking in. I'm happy to hear you're still holding on - as hard as it may be.

I do worry for you. With all the focus and attention on your husband's mental health, it's having such an impact on yours. I'm so glad you have support in your family and GP and speaking to a psychologist as well. They are positive steps.

I really hope the restrictions ease quickly for you all. The release today was token gesture but in the big picture, still no real light for people like you suffering through the lock down. Stay strong.

ED.