Supporting a depressed husband - seeking hope

[815]

I am married to an amazing man. We have been together 20 years, married for 15 and have 2 amazing daughters. We have always stood by each other, and he has always been loving and supportive.

Towards the end of last year, my husband told me he was depressed. At that time, I asked him to get help. He said he didn't want to and we left it at that and things got better for a few months. But for the most part of this year things have been very up and down,. A couple of weeks ago he admitted that he wanted to die.

I know nothing about depression so every time we talk about it, I ask him to get help. However over the last few weeks he has stopped talking to me, and started sleeping in our spare room. He has told me that I can't help him, he wants to go it alone, I haven't been there for him, and may other hurtful things. I keep telling myself that it is the depression, but it causes me great pain and sadness.

Last week one of his oldest friends contacted me to tell me that my husband had been to see him. He told him he's lost and disconnected, doesn't know where he is, and how or where I stand with him. But his friend told me that he loves me, and that I can't give up, even when/if my husband says he has. He hasn't given up. But I need to be patient and try to find a way to reconnect. I cry every time I think of this.

I do believe there is still love there. But I can also appreciate that the depression probably leave very little room for him to feel/see anything else right now.

I know the priority is to get him help. However as he keeps refusing, I feel there is little more that I can do.

I know he needs professional help and as long as I still have the strength to, I will keep trying to convince him to get help.

I am writing this post basically because I need hope. I need to know that there is light at the end of the tunnel. I need to know that loving him and simply being there for him (even though he says it's not enough) can get us through this. So if anyone has any experience, stories to share, tips and suggestions on how to reconnect, I would be very grateful.

I know that it sounds highly idealistic, and we don't live in fairy tales. But I have to keep believing that we will get through this somehow.

[815]

Hi again KG82 (and everyone),

Counselling went OK. I was still a bit anxious about it and I just didn't want to bring it up. But we actually went out for lunch together and went straight to the appointment from there. This was the first session where he admitted that he is no longer angry. He was disappointed, but it seems he is over that now.

The issue for me now is dealing with all my own emotions which I had sort of just put aside while trying to support my husband and the kids through all of it. And I have been trying to do that slowly too.

We definitely still have a way to go. We still have bumps along the day. But we are getting there. Little by little. Bit by bit. Day by day,

[Croix]

Dear 815~

Not everyone has wins with a partner who has such problems but it sounds to me as if you have had at least three -that is terribly encouraging.

He has accepted a medication, and also its side effects. That is a stoke of realism on his part . It also does not mean things are now set in stone. In my own case after a lot of different meds over many years I finally was put on one whch has worked, and has no real side-effects. I never thought it would happen.

He has been to his GP with you , who sounds lovely. The trust to do that would have been something, and I'm sure you would have benefited in understanding his state - and your best path to improve it. His GP would also have had a better picture of things due to your input.

Finally counseling together. I'm glad it is together, that can be difficult but with a good one both accept can go well. Perhaps he might tell you why he was disappointed if oyu ask when you are both in a relaxed mood, and if his remarks hurt try to remember the potential there.

Please let us know how you go

Croix

[KG82]

Hi 815,

I’m pleased to hear you’re making some progress. You’ve put in so much work. It also sounds like you’re reflecting on how it’s made you feel as well.

[815]

Hi Croix,

Thanks so much for your words. I do realise that my situation is so unique and different from everyone else who might be going through similar things. And I write on here because I want people to know that there is hope, and that there are better days, regardless of the outcome.

I am definitely fortunate, that my husband and !, and our family, are moving forward, together.

I think you are right. He is being very real about the medication situation. And despite the side effects, he is pushing through it. He is a lot more open when talking to me about his medication which is a huge improvement. I think after trying so many in such a short amount of time he probably just wants to stick with one and see how he goes. I know he has spoken to his psychiatrist about it and will review with his GP again periodically.

His GP is lovely. He works at the same clinic as my GP and if she is not available I see him on occasion if necessary. As I have mentioned I had been to see his GP twice before on my own so I think he already had my perspective on things. But I could tell that he was pleased to see me there with my husband this time around.

I think the most difficult part of all of this is our relationship counselling. But I am glad we can go together, and talk about some of the things that we may find more difficult to initiate conversation about on our own. We have talked a little, here and there. Not so much of the past things, but more about how he is feeling and coping with things now. He is more open about his emotions, even though he admits that he doesn't like to feel the way he does. At least he is no longer pushing me away and hiding how he feels.

I know why he was disappointed. He acknowledges that his expectations were a bit unrealistic. He knows that I was hurt by all of that. But I guess he is past the disappointment. And as time goes on and we spend time together as a couple, and as a family, and we talk more, my hurt in all of this is healing too.

All I can say for now for anyone reading is, no matter what your situation, please don't give up hope.

[Blue Banded Bee]

Dear 815,

I am so happy to read your updates, your progress has given me hope that one day we will be able to leap through the hurdles. My partner has more ups than down lately, we still have a lot to work on. He no longer wants to his psychologist, he thinks it is not helping him after a session of hypnotherapy. They used to do telehealth previously during the lockdown, he is seeing naturopath now for his chronic pain. I advised him try few times before giving up, he refused to listen to me. His problem is he refuses to acknowledge his depression.

Well, this weekend is going to be exciting one, we are going for camping with his family. I have no expectation, all I want is we have fun, enjoy ourselves as a family.

I will be going to back to office next month for a month, I hope this will give us a bit of breathing space. I spoke to him about relationship mediation, and I am going to make an appointment for us to see one, just for us to talk to someone about what has gone wrong between us and focus on our goals. He kept quiet.

[815]

Hi Blue Banded Bee,

Thank you for your post. Life is not always great, but definitely better. So I try to keep posting on here so that people know there is hope, even on the days when things are not so great. That it is important to see the progress, no matter how little.

My husband feels a bit the same - he is on his second psychologist already. And even with this one he says that he is not finding her helpful. Part of the problem is that his appointments are so far in between, and she often tends to reschedule him at late notice. I am not diagnosed with depression. However I am seeing a psychologist, and in the beginning was seeing her every two weeks without fail. She has not once rescheduled. I just find it totally frustrating that my husband cannot get proper support, given the severity of his depression. For his part, even though he has admitted that he doesn't find talking about things with his psychologist helpful, he is persisting with her and giving her a chance. And so I am proud of him for that and I know he is doing all he can to get through this. Acknowledgement is such a key part I think.

How was the camping trip? I hope you had a great time with some happy moments to cherish. I think going back into the office is a good thing too, to give you both some space and perspective.

Relationship mediation - I'll be honest here, I did not think this would help us. And I did not even think that when I asked my husband to go with me that he would even say yes or show up to the first appointment. And I do still feel uncomfortable going. It is very confronting. But despite how hard it is, we do it together and without it, I don't think that we would have moved forward as we have. So I would say, go with an open mind, be prepared for it to be very raw and confrontational. But if you and your husband, and the counsellor, can work together, it will be beneficial.

[Blue Banded Bee]

Hi 815,

I thought I just jump in to quickly update about our progress. We have been progressing positively, like you, there is still a lot to work on but at least I know we are heading on the right track and his mental health has improved.

I had a week off work after the labour day just to spend some time at home and not to worry about work, and time for myself. We went out for lunch and I had a good chat with him about my proposition on seeing relationship counsellor or psychologist and reiterating the reason I am doing this because of love and family, as I can see there is still so much love between us, things can't be left unsolved.

In his opinion, I need to see psychologist, I told yes I have been seeing one and waiting for my next appointment because, I need someone to listen to me and make sure I am doing fine for us. I asked to him to help me, hold my hands and support me like how I supported him.

I told him my goals and what I need and how to achieve to my goals. I asked him what is goals are, how we can work together to achieve out goals.

After the conversation , things started to change. We had more pleasant conversation, spent more time together as family and as a couple. I told him we should be each other first point of contact to reach out, if we think that we are falling off track.

Although we are progressing well, I am hoping at some point he will go back and see his psychologist again without me pushing him , or us seeing relationship counsellor together just to make sure we are on the same level with our goals.

815, thank you so much for showing me hope and telling me not to give up. I hope you and husband are doing well in your journey.

By the way, the camping was alright, my son and I enjoyed ourselves. My partner was very distance in his own world, but at least I know it won't be our last. 🙂

[815]

Hi Blue Banded Bee and everyone,

Thank you for your update. I am so pleased to hear that you and your husband are making small positives steps forward. And I would like to also thank you for your support through all of this.

Like you, Blue Banded Bee, we are also making progress. Small, slow progress. We have had some ups and downs along the way. I think maybe if I share some of what we have gone through, it may help others to understand too.

One night, after both of us working late, my husband was already in bed and when I went to bed he came over to hug me. I held him in silence for a few minutes and honestly thought he was OK. Without thinking, I picked up my phone to reply to some msgs that I didn't get to during the day. After a few seconds he turned away, and later told me to leave him alone and just keep playing with my phone. I instantly defended myself and said that I was just replying to some messages. Of course that made him even more mad.

We spent the next 2 days not really talking to each other. He told me why he was so angry. All he wanted was a hug and then when he told me off for it I tried to justify my actions. I let him have his time for a couple of days. But I realised that I can't afford to let too much time and distance get between us now.

So I told him I wanted to speak to him. I apologised, told him that I was wrong. However, I wanted him to know that just because I picked up my phone, it does not mean that I don't care about him, or that he is less of a priority. It simply means that sometimes, I don't think or I actually don't realise how much of an impact it can have. I told him that on my part, I need to be more sensitive to his needs. And that I wasn't expecting him to forgive me and not be hurt or angry and just move on. But I was hoping that we would move forward, and heal the hurt and anger together.

He sat in silence for a long time after my words. And eventually he came over to give me a hug. I realise now that, I can't be scared of his anger, but I also need to own up to my actions and understand how something simple can make him feel awful. But I think the key is, communication. We both need to be able to communicate how we feel in the situation.

We know the road isn't always going to be smooth. What's important is that we travel the road together. And hopefully as time goes on the bumps will become less frequent. Or if they do come, that we will know better how to get over them.

[Skye_S]

815, thank you. Your posts this last month have pulled me through some tough nights. I really connect with a lot of your experiences and am feeling brave enough to share mine right now.

We're in our thirties and have kids in school. We've seen a marriage councillor on and off for the last 18 months.

We have these blissful days and sometimes weeks of being happy, playful and long conversations. Then I sense the change and he will do anything to avoid being around me or engaging in conversation with me. He rises the facade when in other people's company, and is good at being an engaged dad with the kids. He retreats of an evening so I can't chat with him, and if I try, well there is just a grunt reserved for me.

All the blame for these phases are on me. I don't take good care of things so they get broken and he has to fix them. I don't do my fair share of things around the house so he picks up all the slack. If we go on trips I never help unpack afterwards. I don't show basic levels of respect through my actions. It's been the same mantra throughout. Our councelling sessions have predominantly been focussed on fixing my anxiety that is triggered by these cycles, and ultimately how this effects my behaviour and actions. Despite 'fixing' my anxiety, my behaviour still triggers him.

And so the cycle continues over and over. We had been months between negative cycles until recently, it came out of the blue for me, again. And now we're on the second cycle in 3-4 weeks. We're booked in to see the councillor again soon.

He describes it as feeling sad and burdened. Not as depression because there is a real cause - me - making him feel this way. In these periods he stays up late, is less motivated and has a small appetite.

My hope for our next councelling session is that it will focus on his behaviour, not mine. I'm back to doubting myself that I'm the problem again.

I feel so alone and it's a while till that session. I have people that I trust and confide in, but I suppose I feel embarrassed that it's happening in such quick succession again now, to the point I haven't been able to reach out to them yet this time. I know it's better for me if it's out, rather than in, so here I am.

[quirkywords]

Hello 815 and everyone reading

Thanks for having this thread 815 that allows people to share their experiences.

Skye-s , I am pleased you could share your experience.Welcome to the forum.

This is a friendly and safe place.

When one is depressed on either pushes people away especially whose closest to them because one feels so low. Sometimes like your husband a depressed person blames others so one gets a break from the self loathing. I can see it would be so hard on you when you are trying hard to make things better but all you find is blame.

So your are seeing a marriage / relationship counsellor not a mental health counsellor or a psychologist. has your husband seen a psychologist?
you are under pressure when you are being blamed for his behaviour.

In the blissful times does his behaviour change in other ways , appetite, sleep?

Do the sad and burdened times last longer than the happy ones. Can you predict a bit before the cycles change.?

Thanks for sharing your story.

Quirky