Supporting a depressed husband - seeking hope

[815]

I am married to an amazing man. We have been together 20 years, married for 15 and have 2 amazing daughters. We have always stood by each other, and he has always been loving and supportive.

Towards the end of last year, my husband told me he was depressed. At that time, I asked him to get help. He said he didn't want to and we left it at that and things got better for a few months. But for the most part of this year things have been very up and down,. A couple of weeks ago he admitted that he wanted to die.

I know nothing about depression so every time we talk about it, I ask him to get help. However over the last few weeks he has stopped talking to me, and started sleeping in our spare room. He has told me that I can't help him, he wants to go it alone, I haven't been there for him, and may other hurtful things. I keep telling myself that it is the depression, but it causes me great pain and sadness.

Last week one of his oldest friends contacted me to tell me that my husband had been to see him. He told him he's lost and disconnected, doesn't know where he is, and how or where I stand with him. But his friend told me that he loves me, and that I can't give up, even when/if my husband says he has. He hasn't given up. But I need to be patient and try to find a way to reconnect. I cry every time I think of this.

I do believe there is still love there. But I can also appreciate that the depression probably leave very little room for him to feel/see anything else right now.

I know the priority is to get him help. However as he keeps refusing, I feel there is little more that I can do.

I know he needs professional help and as long as I still have the strength to, I will keep trying to convince him to get help.

I am writing this post basically because I need hope. I need to know that there is light at the end of the tunnel. I need to know that loving him and simply being there for him (even though he says it's not enough) can get us through this. So if anyone has any experience, stories to share, tips and suggestions on how to reconnect, I would be very grateful.

I know that it sounds highly idealistic, and we don't live in fairy tales. But I have to keep believing that we will get through this somehow.

[815]

Hi Caringwife2021,

I was reading your thread as well and was about to reach out to you when I was reading that last year your husband's anger and depression started to focus on you. I felt that you could probably understand my situation too. It really is the most awful thing to go through and reading your post about wanting to help him, shows just how much you care for and love your husband too.

And you are spot on in your description, of the words feeling like tiny daggers being thrown at you.

I do have a support group (s. And I have often spoken to them about the ridiculousness of some of the accusations and expectations. But I guess in my husband's mind, they are all valid and I need to remember that. I know my feelings are valid too, but not everyone is going to understand that especially when it is my husband who is suffering depression, and not me. So I keep my true feelings to a very small group of supporters (some trusted friends an sometimes my sister in law). I am also seeing a psychologist on my own. Without this support I honestly wouldn't have been able to get through the last few months.

I will keep reading your thread to hear updates from you on your situation. Take care and I hope it all goes well.

[Blue Banded Bee]

Hi Caringwife, 815,

I can totally relate to those ridiculous accusation and verbal abuse too, my close friends and I, we joke about it and laugh, as sad as it can be, it is funny too. I guess that is how I keep my sanity.
I know what is in their mind is very complicated. I guess like a child, we are the one that they can vent at their anger and frustration because the comfort and security . I am lucky in the sense my friends are in similar situations and we confided each other , helped each other to open up our eyes on our partner's MH.

Like everyone here, I am hoping one day the storm will be over.r As for me, everyday is a new day and every little improvement on my partner's MH gives me hope that we are on the right track.
Last Sunday afternoon, we managed to lie down on my son's bed next to each other based of our son's request, that was very special to me, I see this as hope and positivity. In the past, he'd just jumped out from the bed or couch as if I was going to eat him.
Like 815, I am very grateful on every little things my partner does for me, even a cup of coffee or a slice of cake , or wish me have a nice day, I make sure I thank him.

I let him deal his own issues with his psychologist. At the same time, making sure that I am visible to him, that he can reach out to me for help any time.
I planning to take to him to places we have been during our times, just to reminisce good old happy days and also just to get him out of the house too.

Have a nice weekend everyone and take care

[Caringwife2021]

815 and Blue Banned Bee

Laughing about it with friends is the only way we can get through it. When it is shared with people who love you and can tell you how silly it is it helps so much to stop it going over and over in your head and you starting to believe it. Your thoughts are always valid and it SUCKS so much having to be the bigger person all the time as they are sick and you are not able to show that you are hurt and upset and want to throw a tantrum straight back at them!

It also agree that it has helped helped other people we are being really open about my husbands mental health and his upcoming hospital admission, this is his doing as he wants to try and break the the sigma around it and he doesn't want to lie about it as we have no idea what we could come up with that would explain him disappearing of the face of the planet for 4-6 weeks. When we tell people it seems to open the flood gates and they like oh i feel this or my partner had an admission a while ago it is really been amazing.

My husband has improved the last month in terms of our relationship. Before he was so worried about what i would think of his thoughts but showing him that i am ok and still love him no matter what he says or does is and i am still here for him is slowly getting through to him and allowing him to trust me more and when there are things that i don't understand i am trying to direct him to people in our support network that do and the medical professionals.

One thing i have organised with him recently is making sure our power of attorney both financial and personal is upto date. Our lawyer said we should make sure we have it so that when he is in hospital or is ever incapacitated or can't deal with anything ( which is a lot) I am full control over what happens and can advocate for him in terms of treatment and for financial matters. Luckily at the moment on meds my husband is able to make the decision that this is a good idea he supports.

I hope you all had a some good moments on the weekend and found some moment of joy or self care for yourself !

[815]

Hi everyone,

Caringwife2021 and Blue Banded Bee, thanks so much for your posts and your continued support. It makes me glad to hear of the little things that are improving day by day. I came on here seeking hope, but I also hope that people reading our journeys can find hope in our posts too.

I came on here to provide an update, because I do want people to know that in this journey, of supporting and caring for a loved one, there is definitely hope. A lot of little things have changed for our family. But I know that we still have a long road to travel. So I am still taking it a moment at a time, just trying to be gentle, kind and grateful for everything.

My husband has moved back into our room, and we have taken small steps forward to spending time together as a couple, and spending time together as a family. Our relationship is definitely different. Perhaps through all the trauma and loss of it all, we have a greater appreciation for everything. We have talked a little, but I have told my husband that I don't expect him to talk if he doesn't want to. But that if he does, then I am here for that too. And he has been receptive of this.

In our last counselling session, he said that he could forgive me, that we could move forward, and he recalled the times recently where I tried to reach out to him. I guess what's important to note here is that, despite the fog he was in, he knew I was there. But he just wasn't ready or couldn't reciprocate any of that back to me. So for anyone reading, I want you to know that, those little things matter. Even if at the time they may be rejected or not acknowledged.

But I think the most important thing to note is that I would not have been able to hold on, to keep standing by my husband and looking after my family, if I didn't have the support of my close family and friends, my GP and psychologist, as well as the readers and posters here on this forum. All of this is what has given me the strength to hold on, and to keep holding on.

I know, as I have experienced still in the last few days, there there will be many ups and downs. And I know I still have a lot to learn about how to continue supporting my husband and family through this. But I do hope that what I have learned so far, and what I have been able to share on here will give hope to those who find themselves in similar situations.

Have courage. Be kind. And never lose hope.

[quirkywords]

815

Thanks for the update and thanks for this thread which has provided an honest guide to living with a partner with depression and has encouraged other people to share their journey.
The support you offer here through your clear writing and raw emotions is hopeful to not only those who post but those who read , of which there are many.

When one reads your posts one can see the ups and downs the setbacks the frustration but always see your love and the fact you held onto hope.

You have shown that through your patience and determination you have been to able to see small changes. The fact that you both had support also played a part.

Your thread shows the lived experience is so valuable in supporting others.

Thank you.

[815]

Hi quirkywords,

Thanks again for your reply. As I am writing this from the perspective of someone who is supporting a loved one, I did miss one important point, and that is as you mentioned - the support my husband has around him is also very important.

He is on his third different medication. He says the biggest side effect to this is being tired all the time, but that out of the three he has tried this is by far the best and if being tired is the only side effect then he will take it. He is also on his second psychologist. His GP is amazing and I know he has amazing support in his sister and a few trusted friends, as well as the support of his bosses at work. Without all of this, I do not know where we would be.

[emotionallydrained]

Hi 815,

I've just come back on and so happy to read your update. That is a huge step in the right direction and hopefully this new medication will help him get back to him.

Your love, understanding and patience has been phenomenal and a true testament of how much you love your husband and how much faith you put in your family. To go through what you have takes so much strength.

I'm sure this thread will be a hope to so many partners supporting their loved ones through a mental health ordeal. x

[Blue Banded Bee]

Hi 815,

Congratulations! I am so happy for you. your strength , love, faith , patience in this journey is indescribable, keep doing what you are doing and don't forget to reach out when you hit road block.

Your thread has inspired me and given so much strength in supporting my partner, and to those who follow your thread not to lose hope and faith.

My Partner's MH has improved too, he is feeling happier, less angry, less anxiety, we even cracked few jokes here and there. He even suggested that we should join his mother and sister to go to away for a weekend in March, to celebrate his birthday and our son's birthday. Although I am not big fan of his mum, I'd still say yes to him , because he has made the effort and love.
Every efforts he puts in give me hope that the fog is slowly clearing up and we are heading right track.

Thank you so much 815 and everyone for sharing your experience with us.

[815]

Hi Blue Banded Bee, ED and everyone,

Thanks for your responses and support as always.

Blue Banded Bee - I am glad that things are improving for you too. I think our situations can show those supporting a loved one that there is hope. We just have to believe in it. But also that there are still bumps in the road.

I don't have heaps to update, other than that life keeps moving forward. We have been getting through the days, quietly, and together. If I'm honest, I am still being very cautious. The balance is still difficult. I want him to know I am here, that by not saying anything it doesn't mean that I have moved on and that I am acting as if nothing has happened. But by saying things and sometimes asking questions, I don't want him to feel pressured or pushed in anyway.

He has been talking to me about his medication and the effects. He asked me if I wanted to go to his GP with him, which I did and am grateful I was able to be there with him. He has just generally been a bit more open about things. We haven't spoken in detail about the things that were said and the things that happened over the past few months. In some ways it is still very difficult for me to think about. Even reading back on some of the things I had written on this thread is difficult for me to do.

We have relationship counselling again tomorrow. Despite the steps forward, I am still a little anxious as to how that will be.

[KG82]

Hi 815,

It sounds like you and your husband are making slow progress. You’ve put in a lot of hard work and he’s lucky to have your support even if he doesn’t realise it completely.

How did counselling go?