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Supporting a depressed husband - seeking hope

815
Community Member
I am married to an amazing man. We have been together 20 years, married for 15 and have 2 amazing daughters. We have always stood by each other, and he has always been loving and supportive.

Towards the end of last year, my husband told me he was depressed. At that time, I asked him to get help. He said he didn't want to and we left it at that and things got better for a few months. But for the most part of this year things have been very up and down,. A couple of weeks ago he admitted that he wanted to die.

I know nothing about depression so every time we talk about it, I ask him to get help. However over the last few weeks he has stopped talking to me, and started sleeping in our spare room. He has told me that I can't help him, he wants to go it alone, I haven't been there for him, and may other hurtful things. I keep telling myself that it is the depression, but it causes me great pain and sadness.

Last week one of his oldest friends contacted me to tell me that my husband had been to see him. He told him he's lost and disconnected, doesn't know where he is, and how or where I stand with him. But his friend told me that he loves me, and that I can't give up, even when/if my husband says he has. He hasn't given up. But I need to be patient and try to find a way to reconnect. I cry every time I think of this.

I do believe there is still love there. But I can also appreciate that the depression probably leave very little room for him to feel/see anything else right now.

I know the priority is to get him help. However as he keeps refusing, I feel there is little more that I can do.

I know he needs professional help and as long as I still have the strength to, I will keep trying to convince him to get help.

I am writing this post basically because I need hope. I need to know that there is light at the end of the tunnel. I need to know that loving him and simply being there for him (even though he says it's not enough) can get us through this. So if anyone has any experience, stories to share, tips and suggestions on how to reconnect, I would be very grateful.

I know that it sounds highly idealistic, and we don't live in fairy tales. But I have to keep believing that we will get through this somehow.
230 Replies 230

Dear 815,

I am glad to hear your husband made effort to book anniversary lunch, good on him!

I have slight improvement at home and situation is a bit pleasant, he is not so angry, negative and more cheerful. We went out for NYE lunch, that was our 1st restaurant outing since March covid lock down, followed by bush walk next day, that has helped my partner's mental health, he is more cheerful, we are able to have decent proper conversation since then. His attitude is more positive , he is even more productive in the kitchen making dinner, making jam , baking etc. These are the things he enjoys doing. I am aware that his journey to recovery is still very long but, for a start this good sign.

Yesterday our little boy asked me if Daddy will be moving back to sleep in our bedroom, I told him I don't know and reassure him that Daddy is always welcome to sleep in the bedroom again anytime when he is ready. I guess that is the best answer and I make sure my partner heard the conversation, and I reiterated to him, he just smiled and kept quiet rather than snapped at me.

I have been working from home since March and this week I had to go back to office due to shortage of staff. Initially, I was a bit heavy hearted, but seeing the positive improvement, I was relief to go back to office. Every morning before leaving the house, I make sure I tell him I love him and his response is have a nice day. I guess that is another improvement. Even our close family friend notice the difference in him.

815, have you considered going back to office to work for a day or 2 a week or fortnight? I find that time away helped me and him .

I know it can be very draining for us. Like you, I am just focusing on taking care of my child, my partner, making dinner, making sure bills and mortgage are paid. and I have also reading inner peace quotes online and writing down them down as my own self care kit to keep my sanity intact. Also, I started writing down his up days and down days in my diary, hopefully one day i won't be needing the diary anymore.

2020 was challenging for all of us, that is why we are here to support each other. 2021 is going to be better year for us here.

Hi 815,

I'm sorry I haven't logged on for a while. I just wanted to see how you were going and how you got through Christmas etc.

I read your posts and there are good things in there and also some sad ones - it seems a bit of an emotional rollercoaster ride. Like was mentioned before, his anger toward only you is concerning. Your patience and support in this situation have been inspirational. I do hope your husband does remember this. 🙂

How did your anniversary lunch go? I can imagine this would have been hard for you and 100% understand your anxiety over it.

Are you ok?

ED.

815
Community Member

Hello to everyone who has replied since I last posted, and to those who are reading.

Croix - thank you as always for your words. You truly give me hope.
Blue Banded Bee - I am glad to hear that things are improving for you. Keep doing what you're doing and stay strong. The diary sounds like a great idea. I find writing on here helps me too to process my feelings. Unfortunately we are not allowed back in the office work at the moment.
ED - thank you for checking in. How are you doing?

Life is certainly a rollercoaster of emotions. I know it will be like this, many ups and downs.

So we went to lunch. He didn't speak to me. He just got in the car and waited for me when it was time to leave. We drove together in silence. When we got there he poured me some water, then after some time asked me if I was ready to order. We ordered. I gave him a small gift. He told me he didn't buy me anything and I said it was fine. Our food came. We ate. In silence. He asked if I wanted dessert and I said I was OK. We went home, in silence. And we went to our separate areas of the house. There was a lot I wanted to say. But at the same time, I had no words. The silence was neither awkward, nor comfortable. It was just silence. But I felt it was what was needed. For us to be there together, on our day. And I know that what he did would have taken a lot of courage and I thanked him after for taking me to lunch.

The following night, he was sitting in the TV room watching TV. So I asked if he wanted company. He said OK. So we sat and watched TV together, again in silence. On Sunday morning he came to me and asked if I wanted a coffee. So I said yes please and he made me one.

We have not really spoken since then. I feel that my husband is right there, just behind the wall. And it is taking all my self control to not just run at that wall full steam ahead and try to break it down for him. Because I realise that he needs to do that. I am very emotional about it all but I realise that the events of the past few days are probably a lot for both of us to process. I am grateful for his efforts but I need to allow him to do things in his own time. I am just finding it hard to separate my hope from expectations.

We have relationship counselling on Friday so it will be interesting to see how that goes.

But in the meantime, for anyone reading and going through something similar, please hold onto hope.

Croix
Community Champion
Community Champion

Dear 815~

I think that is probably the best you could have hoped for and is a pretty good event. Just not seeing you as a cause of pressure is a fabulous thing. Silence can be all sorts of hings, probably a bit of worry on his part, but an inability to do anything, at least fro now.

Then to agree to company is somethng I gather he has refused before, and that too is great, as was the coffee (sound familiar?)

I can well imagine what you want to say, and the answers you need, and it takes great strength of will to keep quiet, maybe just gently introducing the "Do you remember when's ..." about enjoyable past events if something came up on TV that prompted it.

There are no guarantees, all you can do is follow the best path you can and hope. I'm not sure about the counseling, it would depend a lot of the experience and good sense of the counselor. Dealing with someone suffering depression is not the same as dealing wiht a self-centered husband - very far from it, a whole different approach.

Croix

.

815
Community Member

Dear Croix,

I think that is what I've come to realise. That he needs to know that I am here, but without any expectations, no pressure to speak or do anything. For him to just be silent if that's what he needs. I think for a long time, I expected him to have answers when he just doesn't. And that the comfort of those answers are more for my sake, than his. It is still not an easy road to take, however it is just what I need to do for him right now.

And yes, he has refused company in the past. And the coffee made my smile as it reminded me of what you said about sometimes making your wife a cuppa. Yesterday, he walked to the front of the house where the study is, to give me a donut that he bought while he was out. He still doesn't speak to me, but I know that these little acts are what he can do for me right now and I am forever grateful.

With regards to relationship counselling, we have been to 4 sessions already. The main focus of our sessions has been his depression. Our counsellor is well aware of his depression and she has given him strategies to try to help with it, but also trying not to interfere with his own counselling sessions with his own psychologist.

I originally asked if he would go to relationship counselling with me on the advice of many health professionals, including his own GP. The reason being, his anger was focussed purely on me, but he was refusing to communicate with me and it was impacting all of us, including the kids. It has given me a huge insight into what he is going through, which I would not have had a chance to have. And I have come to realise through these sessions that he needs a lot of time and space to heal.

But I am here and still hopeful.

Not_Batman
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hi 815

like Croix mentioned, the lunch date turned out the best you could hope for under the circumstances.

is your husband introverted by any chance?

i get a lot of ‘we dont talk much anymore’ from Mrs Not_Batman, which i can understand. Though im quite the introvert and enjoy just having the company. I have tried to open up more, but im not the best at striking up conversation, and really only talk when spoken to. Is it possible that your husband is similar.

Take it as a positive that you can spend time together. However silent it is. I dont know if this is too far, but have the two of you put on some music and danced around to it?

Not_Batman

815
Community Member

Hi Not_Batman,

I definitely agree. The lunch date was as a definite positive for me, as have been some of the events/actions in the following days. I don't expect anything. But am definitely hopeful.

I would say my husband is more an extrovert, in that he prefers to be around people and socialise. However he is a man of few words, but they are always meaningful. With me, before all of this, he would talk a lot. But depression has changed him a lot. And he worries that he may never be the same again.

For right now, I am OK without words. Actions always speak louder than words anyway.

I love the suggestion of music and dancing. But I think we are still some time away from that.

In any case, for right now, I am hopeful and will just keep trying to give him the space that he need, accept his gestures gratefully and just continue to be here for him.

I guess I am just anxious about our relationship session on Friday because in the past he has said very hurtful things and it is definitely wearing me down. I'm just not sure how much more hurtful stuff I can hear.

Hi 815,

Reading your posts the one thing that stands out to me is your patience and strength.

I don't have any advice at the moment except to keep positive. There are some positive things to hold onto there and I hope the hurtful comments ease up soon and he can overcome his anger toward you. x

Thanks ED. I am not a patient person naturally, so this has been a really trying time for me in that sense.

To be fair, he has not said anything hurtful to me lately. But a lot of it gets said during our relationship counselling sessions which is why I am anxious about tomorrow.

I am definitely doing my best to stay positive and hopeful, but trying to not have any expectations is the hard part.

How are you doing? I hope things are OK with you.

Caringwife2021
Community Member

815
Your strength is inspiring as is your love for your husband.
I know to some extent how hard it can be to have so much abuse thrown at you and how awful those counselling session can be and what can come out of them. Feels like they are continuous throwing tiny daggers at you. Just remember your feelings are valid and you are incredibly strong woman who is doing a phenomenal job that is obvious from you posts.

The thing that is helped me is having a few friends and family that I can be completely honest and open with about what Is going on I was so embarrassed at first when I told them but sharing it and being able to chat with them over wine and even laugh at the ridiculousness of some of the situation and accusation has been the biggest help I hope you have this in person and if not can find this online I am sure there is some of us on here that would happily be that for you.