Supporting a depressed husband - seeking hope

815 · ‎17-08-2020

I am married to an amazing man. We have been together 20 years, married for 15 and have 2 amazing daughters. We have always stood by each other, and he has always been loving and supportive.

Towards the end of last year, my husband told me he was depressed. At that time, I asked him to get help. He said he didn't want to and we left it at that and things got better for a few months. But for the most part of this year things have been very up and down,. A couple of weeks ago he admitted that he wanted to die.

I know nothing about depression so every time we talk about it, I ask him to get help. However over the last few weeks he has stopped talking to me, and started sleeping in our spare room. He has told me that I can't help him, he wants to go it alone, I haven't been there for him, and may other hurtful things. I keep telling myself that it is the depression, but it causes me great pain and sadness.

Last week one of his oldest friends contacted me to tell me that my husband had been to see him. He told him he's lost and disconnected, doesn't know where he is, and how or where I stand with him. But his friend told me that he loves me, and that I can't give up, even when/if my husband says he has. He hasn't given up. But I need to be patient and try to find a way to reconnect. I cry every time I think of this.

I do believe there is still love there. But I can also appreciate that the depression probably leave very little room for him to feel/see anything else right now.

I know the priority is to get him help. However as he keeps refusing, I feel there is little more that I can do.

I know he needs professional help and as long as I still have the strength to, I will keep trying to convince him to get help.

I am writing this post basically because I need hope. I need to know that there is light at the end of the tunnel. I need to know that loving him and simply being there for him (even though he says it's not enough) can get us through this. So if anyone has any experience, stories to share, tips and suggestions on how to reconnect, I would be very grateful.

I know that it sounds highly idealistic, and we don't live in fairy tales. But I have to keep believing that we will get through this somehow.

815 · ‎30-11-2020

Hi Not_Batman,

Thanks for your reply. I guess these things that are happening are 'positive' in a sense but he is also still so cold to me that it still hurts a lot. And I know I cant expect things to change drastically overnight. So I have to be patient.

My friend described it to me as him having a broken leg, and him not being able to walk. But he still somehow hobbled along and went to my sister's house for my nephew's birthday. But instead, it's is emotions and mental health that is broken. And I just have to remember that even though it's broken, he's still trying. And that's the hope I need to hold on to.

I am still finding it very difficult to clearly articulate my thoughts and feelings into words in our couples counselling sessions. The sessions so far (2 of them) have been heavily focused on his depression and how angry and disappointed he is in me for not knowing how to help him without him having to ask for help. And I have been taking the time to listen to him, and try to understand where his hurtful words are coming from.

quirkywords · ‎30-11-2020

815,

I can feel your exhaustion and your pain and frustration. Yiu see he is still your husband the man you have been married to and loved fir man years,Hiwever he is so different.

zi have said this before I think that anger and disappointment that is directed .

At you as he felt so hopeless and helpless and wanted you to fix him. Obviously unreasonable but depression is cruel and really makes you see things differently.

I can see the toll it has taken on you and I think your so patient..

As you know there is no easy solution and it take a long time.

I think it took me more than 20 years to really gain and insight int o my mood swings.

Everyday I know I hurt the ones I loved and now I concentrate on the present as I can’t change my past.

All I know is I and others have learnt so much from your honest insights.

815 · ‎01-12-2020

Thank you quirkywords. If people can find some hope in my words, then I am humbled.

I too have learned a lot from your insights. And I do hope with time, as a family, we can heal together and find ways to manage our situation.

I guess it is just a day to day struggle right now. For now, I am grateful though that we are still getting through each day, messy as it may be.

815 · ‎03-12-2020

Hi everyone,

Just wanted to post a small update for anyone following my story...for anyone who needs a little hope. Because I came on here, initially, seeking hope.

Through all of the insights, advice and support I have gained from everyone on here so far, last night, I was able to find the courage to ask my husband when his next GP appointment was. He said it is in 2 weeks. I asked if it would be OK for me to go with him. His response was, "If you want." I know this is not a very committed response, but if you have been reading my story then you'll know that previous responses to such questions were mostly "no" or "why" or "what do you care".

I asked if he could please let me know when it is, and he said yes. He hasn't yet, but it is still 2 weeks away. And I know a lot can change in that time. We are by no means through the thick of this yet. And I know we have a long way to go. A whole life time, I imagine. But if I look back on where I was when I first started this thread, I can only take this as a very small, but positive step forward in our journey of navigating depression, together.

emotionallydrained · ‎03-12-2020

That's great news and a big step from where you were at the start of the thread.

Fingers crossed he lets you know the time and day closer to the appt so you can both be there. x

quirkywords · ‎06-12-2020

815

thanks for letting us know. It is a small positive step in the right direction.

take care

Not_Batman · ‎06-12-2020

815

picture the Fonz, both thumbs up. “Eeey!”

Very happy at the positive little steps.

Not_Batman

815 · ‎06-12-2020

Hi emotionallydrained, quirkywords and Not_Batman,

Thank you for your replis and for reinforcing that although it's small, these are positive steps forward. Sometimes it's hard to see and really believe that things are always moving in some way.

We had a counselling session on Friday. And tonight I tried to push forward a little bit more but was met with some resistance, which I guess is understandable. There will be bumps along the way.

I will try to post more of an update in the coming days.

geoff · ‎07-12-2020

Hi 815, at first it's not neccessarily what you can do together but more so what he is able to do by himself to show any improvement, let's say all he was able to accomplish was just sit down and do nothing all day, so if he was capable of going to his shed and just clean it up, even if it's a fraction, then this shows an improvement in how he's feeling.

I know it's exciting to show your joy, but when I was coming out of depression this certainly happened to me, but the over joyfulness made me feel uncomfortable.

It's sad this does occur because you must be so pleased, and all I'm saying is to be happy and encouraging the way he's thinking.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

815 · ‎07-12-2020

Hi Geoff,

Thanks for your reply.

I guess the thing about my husband's depression is, it hasn't really impacted his ability to do anything else other than talk to me and spend time with me, which in turn has impacted the time we are able to spend together with the kids, as a family. Through all of this, he has been able to maintain his job, still do everything he had done previously around the house, etc. I can imagine that doing those things may have been difficult and required a lot of motivation, however he was still able to do them. Maybe doing those things seems a little easier for him now, but this I don't know as he still refuses to speak to me.

This is why him actually replying to my questions, and allowing me to spend, even 10 minutes to walk to school to pick up the kids with him, is an improvement for me.

But I do understand what you mean about the joy being somewhat uncomfortable too. And that is why I understand that we need to take small steps over a long period of time. And I also expect that there will be setbacks along the way. However I do also think that this shouldn't stop me from trying a little more each time. I just have to be prepared for rejection along the way.