Supporting a depressed husband - seeking hope

[815]

I am married to an amazing man. We have been together 20 years, married for 15 and have 2 amazing daughters. We have always stood by each other, and he has always been loving and supportive.

Towards the end of last year, my husband told me he was depressed. At that time, I asked him to get help. He said he didn't want to and we left it at that and things got better for a few months. But for the most part of this year things have been very up and down,. A couple of weeks ago he admitted that he wanted to die.

I know nothing about depression so every time we talk about it, I ask him to get help. However over the last few weeks he has stopped talking to me, and started sleeping in our spare room. He has told me that I can't help him, he wants to go it alone, I haven't been there for him, and may other hurtful things. I keep telling myself that it is the depression, but it causes me great pain and sadness.

Last week one of his oldest friends contacted me to tell me that my husband had been to see him. He told him he's lost and disconnected, doesn't know where he is, and how or where I stand with him. But his friend told me that he loves me, and that I can't give up, even when/if my husband says he has. He hasn't given up. But I need to be patient and try to find a way to reconnect. I cry every time I think of this.

I do believe there is still love there. But I can also appreciate that the depression probably leave very little room for him to feel/see anything else right now.

I know the priority is to get him help. However as he keeps refusing, I feel there is little more that I can do.

I know he needs professional help and as long as I still have the strength to, I will keep trying to convince him to get help.

I am writing this post basically because I need hope. I need to know that there is light at the end of the tunnel. I need to know that loving him and simply being there for him (even though he says it's not enough) can get us through this. So if anyone has any experience, stories to share, tips and suggestions on how to reconnect, I would be very grateful.

I know that it sounds highly idealistic, and we don't live in fairy tales. But I have to keep believing that we will get through this somehow.

[quirkywords]

815

my heart nearly brakes when I read your posts so honest and helpful to everyone reading.

I found your words so powerful.

"I guess what I have come to realise is that, love alone will not be enough for his recovery. He needs proper medical help, which he is getting. However I know the recovery will still be long and difficult, with many bumps in the road."

I think when you have loved someone for a long time and have got through other hard times it is a challenge to realise that while love is important it may not be enough.

[Zozza]

I do sometimes wish that love was enough! But that is foolish thinking. Depression is an illness and it needs treatment just like any other illness. Your marriage is not the cause or the cure - remember that.

I can imagine you must be fearing rejection if you attempt to reconnect with your husband. You can start with small things though. It doesn't have to be anything big or scary - baby steps is all it takes. Have you thought about what you might be able to suggest you do together?

[815]

Hi quirkywords,

It is definitely heart breaking. I hope that my words are helpful to others. I think it's good to know that although love alone can't fix it, it is still important.

I hope you're well.

[815]

Hi Zozza,

Thanks for your post and your words. I hope you remember your own advice too 🙂

I think we are both trying to do the best we can for the men we love and in the end, we can only do our best and hope that will be enough for them to find their way back to us during their recovery.

In the past week, I feel I have gotten a little braver and I am starting to actually communicate with my husband again. Not about anything big. But simple questions, like what he wants for lunch, or would he like a cup of tea. He mostly just shakes his head. I can only keep trying to ask those things with no expectation for a response. However I will take a shake of the head as a response, even though not verbal.

We have yet to spend actual time together. I am not really sure if we are ready for that but I will keep trying to at least communicate with him and see where that leads. It has to start somewhere and I know he won't be initiating any of it so for now I will have to take the lead and hope that at some point he will meet me somewhere along the road.

[emotionallydrained]

HI 815,

I'm sorry I have not checked in for a while. It's hard to find time where I won't be interrupted or seen (this is my secret venting place). I have read your updates and it's great that you went to the session together and he spoke so you could get an idea of what he is thinking. I think it's good that you deep down already knew so that part wasn't a surprise to you and you could at least feel a little vindicated in your thoughts and feelings.

As for your time together, I can't imagine how much this must be knotting you up. I know I'd certainly be anxious about this and the response. All I can think of is something simple like watching his favourite movie together on the couch - even if you're on one side and he's on the other. Cook some popcorn so you have something to occupy yourselves and see how it goes. There's no pressure to talk then as you're watching a movie. Just a thought?

As for the kids, this is probably the hardest thing of all. We want to protect them so much but we also want to keep the family unit together. I'm finding the hardest thing knowing which is the right way. I admire you for your strength and determination to keep your family together and hold it together yourself. You're doing amazing!

[815]

Hi emotionallydrained,

Thanks for checking in, but don't apologise for that. I am always hopeful that when people don't check in here regularly it is because things have improved and are going well.

The past week has been a bit of a rollercoaster, and today I am feeling really exhausted, hurt and confused.

I asked my husband on Monday if he had time for a walk with me. He said maybe. We ended up walking around the block, it was only 10-15 mins, I asked a couple of questions, he answered. Yesterday I asked if I could walk with him to pick the kids up from school. He shrugged, and said 'if you want'. So I went with him. We didn't talk. Just walked. On the way home we bumped into our BIL who was picking up our nephew so we didn't speak on the way home. For those two walks, I am grateful and I had some hope.

Today we saw the relationship counsellor. I had wondered whether we were in a position to drive there together. In the end I decided for my own wellbeing that I would drive there on my own. I just remember feeling really numb after the last session and I didn't want to come home. After today, I am just really confused.

We go to these sessions and he says some truly awful things. He still insists that I should have known how to help him, when he admitted that he himself doesn't know what he expected me to do. He is still unwilling to forgive me for that and admitted that he can hold a grudge forever. He also said that he doesn't see himself recovering from depression.

But earlier in the week he was willing to walk with me and he has been a bit more responsive to questions when I speak to him. And after the session he still comes home, and he acts as if nothing has happened. He still eats the meals I cook him. He is still here.

And I can continue to tell myself that it is the depression that is making him say those things in our sessions. And then I can even convince myself that he still must care to be willing to try. I guess it's the whole thing of two steps forward, one step back. And I know it will be like this for a long time yet. I am not out of hope yet. I guess I just know that we are early on the journey and I am already exhausted. I want to fight and I don't want to give up. I just hope I have the strength to stay by his side until the walls come down.

[Not_Batman]

Hi 815

i dont like the feeling of being powerless to help, especially in my family, so i really do feel for you in what is going on. Im sure that blaming you for not knowing what to do is really not the right thing to do, but from experience it does sound like the depression talking, not your husband. Its kind of like the stages of grief.

it is really positive that youve been able to go on walks, even if it is in complete silence.

As for your husbands depression, i cant say for sure that it will ever be ‘recovered’, at least from my point of view (im young...ish and have only been on the journey maybe a dozen years)!but i know people that have been working hard at it for more than half their life and have good days and bad days. I guess the point is that your husband (and you) need to learn strategies to make the depression less severe and manageable...but dont let that scare you. As long as you have strength you can carry on together.

from what i have been reading there is not a lot that you could have done to change the outcome, so dont beat yourself up. It seems to me that you have very very strong, taken some sort of leadership, and pushed through it, taking the right roads.

Keep pushing, and make sure to take care of your own health too.

Not_Batman

[815]

Hi Not_Batman,

Thank you for your reply.

I know you are right. This will probably be something that we will need to manage for the rest of our lives. I guess we are both still learning. It is a bit daunting, and scary. But the scarier thought for me is not being able to do it together. So I have to keep trying. For all of us.

[815]

It's been a little while since I posted. I have been exhausted just trying to get through day to day life. However we are still here.

My exhaustion comes from my worry over the impact this is having on our children. And I feel like so much of it is out of my control. I am doing the best I can to assure them they are loved, and that day by day we are working on trying to make things better. I have explained to them what I can when they do open up and talk to me, but it is still very difficult for them.

My husband's GP has increased his medication. But my husband's moods are still very negative. I am confused most of the time as to what to think or do. I try to carry on and communicate with him on day to day stuff but I try to keep it minimal because he has made it really clear that he does not want me around him.

We got a puppy last week. So we were able to at least go together and pick her up as a family, awkward as it was on the long drive there and home. We put the Christmas tree up as a family. We also had my nephew's birthday lunch yesterday which he came to, again, awkward as it was. He was mad all morning, slamming doors and basically huffing and puffing around the house. But he still came. He left early (to check on the puppy - we live around the corner so it's easy enough for him to just walk home).

I'm just really confused about everything. I don't know whether any of this is helping. Yes, he is no longer ignoring me. Yes, we have been able to do some things as a 'family' even though we don't speak to each other. If I ask to accompany him to walk to school to pick the kids up, he just shrugs and says, 'if you want', so I go with him. But he is still very cold towards me and I am dreading what he has to say in our next relationship counselling appointment.

But the little things that he has allowed me to do, walk with him, no longer ignoring me - I guess this is just what he is capable of giving right now? I still do feel day by day that nothing much is changing...but I am still carrying hope. That some day I'll look back on all this and realise how far we've come.

[Not_Batman]

Hi 815.

continuing to do what you are doing is very difficult, but it sounds as though things are looking up. Keep a firm hold of that hope.

The things you discuss on here may be things to discuss with the counsellor / psych.

Not_Batman