Supporting 22 year old with depression for 8 plus years

[Roblyn]

Hi , I 'm hoping I might be able to pick up some helpful hints to assist our beautiful Since the age of fourteen she has been struggling with , what has most recently been diagnosed as atypical depression . Amazingly she finished high school with good marks. She is currently enrolled in a university course (part time distance) that started this year, but previously has dropped out of full time studies twice . Since leaving school , she also held down a full time job for18 months.

My husband and I are very supportive of her , but wonder if she is ever going to get better and be able to stand on her own two feet . She lives with us, and we support her financially and in every other way we can , but she's just not living life as she should be .

The main way her illness manifests is through a lack of motivation and energy. Sometimes she barely moves from the couch or bed all day. A lot of the time she appears to have the best of intentions , but just can't bring herself to see things through . She constantly complains that she feels tired.

Over the years we have explored a number of options. We live in regional Queensland where a psychiatrist appointment is a two to three month wait. She is onto her third psychiatrist . While the last two have been okay , she really likes this one. She has tried over the years a half a dozen or so medications, but none of them have really brought the improvement we are hoping for .

At one stage we pursued naturopath visits, and at the moment I am reading a lot about the gut and it's relationship to depression; wondering if there is some other undying contributing factor, although she has had full bloods done on at least a couple of occasions. When she was about 8 she had a bad accident where she had total parental nutrition (fed intravenously ) and I read that this can lead to a lack of biotin which can lead to depression etc , but then think blood tests would have picked this up .

We try to keep her diet pretty healthy , but she has an appetite for junk food . She was meant to attend a psychologist but only went for one visit . She has been told that exercise is good for her , but doesn't do it .

Generally she is a lovely girl and we get along with her well, but at the moment , I have a bit more time and am pursuing what else I may be able to do to assist her . I try not to push her too much , as she can be stubborn . I only push her on things I deem really important.

Any suggestions would be appreciated .

[white knight]

Hi roblyn welcome

You are doing many of the best things for her. Research. This site is a good place to read up. Below I've got threads to read. Even if its just the first post of each thread. Sometimes we have to accept how it is but we can also motivate.. use google on the following

Topic: depression a ship on the high seas- beyondblue

Topic: does stubborness have a place- beyondblue

Topic: acceptance, is this our biggest challenge? - beyondblue

Topic: can you force people?- beyondblue

Topic: motivation, search and rescue it- beyondblue

Topic: switching mindsets- beyondblue

Topic: who cares for the carer?- beyondblue

Topic: depression and the timing of motivation- beyondblue

Topic: depression- our ultimate goal- beyondblue

It would be beneficial to get your daughter to read threads like these herself.

Thanks for posting. We are here for you

Tony WK

[Dr_Kim]

Hi Roblyn,

Firstly , your daughter is SO very lucky to have parents like you guys. Supportive , genuinely caring and able to be mindful enough of your role in her life to ask questions of yourself about how best to help her.

My thoughts are that at 22 , your daughter is an adult. Which means that it is unlikely that she will be her "best self” unless she initiates and implements the changes required to do that. At this stage of the parenting game , I think it is kind of our role to stand on the sidelines, quietly accept the people they are  (even if it falls short of the hopes and dreams that we had for them) and applaud when they have a success and help dust them off when they fall on their face , but otherwise just be observers. ( I am excluding in this paradigm any serious life threatening behaviours - in  that case do NOT be a passive observer! )

This sounds relatively easy but is kind of hard. It means that on some level we have to grieve what we thought our child would be and just accept where they are now. Believe in them . Trust that they are doing their best in that moment. Trust that they will ask for your help if they need it , but it will be directed from them , not an “order" from you. 

For example. I totally believe that exercise would be really valuable for your daughter. Telling her over and over that she “ should “ exercise probably won’t work. Asking her to go for a walk with you … may work . If she says no, then say “Ok , maybe next time” and off you go on your own without comment. If she says yes , then go and if it feels right , you can say that it was nice to have the company or some other encouraging comment and leave it at that. The hope is next time , she will come again , but if not , thats ok too… The concept is just to be alongside her , not leading her or pushing her.

Ask her is there anything that SHE feels is important for her wellbeing .. If she says something , than ask her how you might be able to assist her in that goal . Eg. If she says “sleeping better” ask her if there is anything she has thought of that may help … Is there anything she has tried already that has or hasn’t helped? Would you like to research some options together ? So you might then help her to institute a better bedtime routine or wake up routine , but you have got her permission to be part of it and you feel part of a “team” as you did it together.

The other option is family therapy. In this form of work, you, your husband , your daughter and and maybe other siblings all go together and discuss the the situation. How best to manage it. as a family. How the depression impacts on everyone . Are there any possible things that may be holding her back (subconsciously) from getting better ? These questions can sometimes be worked through quite quickly in a family group setting.

I do feel for you as it is really had to feel like you can’t “fix it”. Its possible that, once any unconscious possible resistance issues are dealt with .. you may have to do a whole lot of work yourself to have a huge well of patience and compassion while your daughter finds her own way through this awful thing called depression.  
 

[Roblyn]

Thanks so much for your reply . Will definitely follow up with the research and reading your suggested threads.

[Roblyn]

Thank you for your response . It confirms that we basically have the right approach and you are right ; it is really hard to feel that we are unable to 'fix it'.

Even though there is a history in my family with my mother and my sister having quite severe depression , what I find so perplexing is how different our daughter presents . My sister and mother are very motivated and energetic , despite at times, experiencing very down , and even suicidal times.

To my knowledge, our daughter has never contemplated suicide, and does not present for the most part as sad. In fact , a lot of the time she comes across as lacking some emotion . I am sure she has had and probably continues to have , feelings of low self worth , but for the most part , she just seems to lack energy and motivation.

What I also find difficult is the lack of access to information about her condition that we now have because she is an adult ; not that I have made any real efforts yet in relation to improving this , but at psychiatrist appointments , we as parents are automatically relegated to the waiting room . I like your suggestion about family therapy and will probably look into it.

The other thing I wonder about , is whether it would be worth pursuing treatment in Brisbane . It is hard getting very regular appointments in Central Queensland , and then I wonder if there are experts in the different fields of psychiatry in the large capital cities that might be better placed to assist our daughter .

Any feedback would be appreciated .

[Had_enough]

i am in a similar situation with a 20 year old daughter who has been very unwell for 2.5 years. I have learnt that she has to be the one to decide to get better and take the action to do so. I have tried so much and spared no expense and it hasnt resulted in anything, she is still the same. Its so hard though to sit back and see them not reach their potential. My daughter has withdrawn from all her friends and has anxiety so is home all the time as well which is really hard.

[Tahza]

Interesting that so many young adults are suffering

We have 3 children, now all adults who have suffered and are suffering depression ....I just can't understand why?

Is this new world that is connected via the world wide web in some way responsible .......my son says yes!

Too much information , too early for the young person to digest and deal with...........

Right now supporting our son 22 with depression .....such a great man, good looking, caring. smart ....the world at his feet .....

Our daughter went through depression after a relationship breakdown age 19 ..... now strong and resilient with a lovely new man in her life.....Girls will talk and communicate ..........Boys are closed vaults and I personally find that hard to deal with

Our younger son was on medication for depression ....multiple reasons that resonate with him.....as an adult the reasons are ridiculous

What is our society getting wrong ....why are our kids depressed and anxious .....