Support vs expectations for daughter with depression & anxiety

[smallanddifferent]

My 17 year old daughter is currently undergoing treatment for depression and anxiety (medication, and counselling with a psychiatrist and with a psychologist). She has been self-harming for some time, and was recently hospitalised after a near suicide attempt (she wasn't physically hurt).

Living with her is a delicate and exhausting balance of managing and responding to her emotions and mood swings. I am afraid to ask her to help out around the house, or to say no to a request as she becomes very angry and I am scared she will hurt herself. I also have a 6 month old baby and I just can't respond to her every request, such as lifts from school or to friends' houses, or attending every psych appointment with her. She is often argumentative, sullen or rude and seems to expect that we accept this as part of her illness. Once again, I'm scared to broach this with her as I fear it will trigger a relapse. My husband is becoming increasingly frustrated by it all and it's starting to put a strain on our relationship. 

I am struggling to figure out the balance between support and understanding, and having some reasonable expectations for her helping us and treating us with respect, even if she is feeling low. 

Any advice or suggestions would be greatly appreciated. 

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[Pixie15]

Hello smallanddifferent,

Welcome to the bb forums. Thanks for sharing your story. I think I understand your predicament. I have family members with depression and anxiety so I think I have some understanding of what you are living with.

Although I have only really had to deal with recklessness and not self harming I think maybe the message is the same. That unless you comply and please them in some way they will do something negative. I am not sure that this is just the result of anxiety and depression. 

Have you been able to talk to your daughters psychologist or psychiatrist about this? That would seem to be a first step.

thanks,

Pixie.

[Jacko777]

Hi S&D,

I'm sorry to hear you have been having a tough time, I can see how difficult this would be. I wonder if you and your husband have a counselor you can visit? Your relationship is so important and you both want to be on the same page. And it's not surprising at all that your husband is frustrated, it is challenging to respond to such a situation and I think you could both use the help of a professional to instigate a fresh plan to deal with this.

I would ask your daughter's doctors about what expectations you can place on her, possibly in front of her. I guess you need to be clear about the behavior that stems from her depression, maybe the things you mentioned do stem from her mental health issues? It might be difficult for your daughter to help you when she is feeling low.

Love to you all, talk any time.

Jack

[smallanddifferent]

Thanks for your support Jack. Some support for my husband and I is a good idea. It's working out what stems from her mental health issues and what is boundary pushing behaviour that can be typically seen in many teenagers that is really challenging. 

[smallanddifferent]

Thanks Pixie, you've hit the nail on the head. I want to support my daughter in any way that I can, but I am struggling with the feeling that I'm being manipulated at times. There seems to be such a fine line between being supportive, understanding and forgiving, and maintaining a respectful relationship with her. I think talking to her psychologist would be a good step, thank you.