Struggling with depressed, destructive husband!

[HeartbrokenWife]

Hey there, my husband has undiagnosed depression which is beginning to spiral out of control. We have a toddler and a brand new baby which alone are taking every bit of energy from me and he has admitted to being depressed and says he hates every part of his life, and can't think of anything that will make him happy, yet refuses to get help. 6months ago everything seemed normal and very quickly we have gotten to a point where he never comes home, is out drinking and doing drugs all night with acquaintances not friends and is hostile and aggressive.

He has recently told me he feels nothing for me and doesn't want to spend any time with me or make an effort on our marriage as something is missing and he feels nothing for me. He has said he hopes that in a few years when the kids are older that maybe it'll come back but he doesn't think it will.

He has not bonded with our baby at all and wants very little to do with her as she was born in the middle of the depression, and didn't even hold my hand in labour or spend time with us in the hospital. He won't hold her for more than 10mins and has no patience with her. 

When he is home he sleeps or sits outside smoking. I have spoken to a psychologist several times who has little doubt that he is quite depressed and needs help.

I am really struggling with how fast he has decided to throw away our family and life together. We have been together 12yrs and although things haven't been perfect, up until December I genuinely believed us to be perfectly happy. He is cold and detached with no remorse for his actions. He refuses to touch me but says he still loves me and doesn't think he'll be happy without me.

i feel so heartbroken, isolated and alone and am so worried about the impact of this on our children. I don't know how to handle the hurtful cold comments and actions and try to remain supportive as I know it's not really him. I want this marriage to work and for. Him to get better so much but I realise I can't make it happen.

Have others experienced this kind of behaviour in a depressed spouse? If so how did you best deal with it and encourage them to seek help? 

[Chris_B]

Hi HeartbrokenWife,

Welcome to the forums. I'm sure some of our members will be along shortly to reply to you, but in the meantime you might want to read through and perhaps reply in a couple of threads below - you're not alone in going through this kind of experience.

Have a look also through some of the other threads in the Supporting Family & Friends forum.

My depressed husband won't get help

Not sure if I can keep caring - I'm tired of being the rock

[White_Rose]

Dear Heartbroken Wife

I am so sorry to read of your difficulties. Chris has suggested you read the threads he has provided and I also urge you to do that. I also welcome you to the Beyond Blue community where we are all broken and need the help that others can provide.

I have written several replies to Jdog/My depressed husband won't get help, in the Supporting Family and Friends forum. I in my last post I suggested two sources that may help and I think it would be worthwhile if you read about them on that thread.

The reality is that until the person concerned is ready to admit they have a problem nothing will change. You can try and force the issue by insisting that he go to a psychologist or leave home, but this is really a last ditch option to be used when you and your children can no longer manage the stress and anxiety concerned. I'm sure you do not want to do this. I made the comment to show how far it may be eventually necessary to go.

Have you talked to your psychologist about ways and means? Though I cannot really see how you can 'make' anyone do something they do not want to do. And even if you succeeded I doubt the therapy would be much use as your husband would be highly uncooperative.

You can contact your local Mental Health team. They should be able to give you some help and support. Also have a chat to the trained counsellors on Beyond Blue. Their number is at the top of the page 1300 22 4636 and someone is available 24/7.

The symptoms you describe about your husband are very common in depression, but I expect the psychologist has already explained that to you. It's easy for me to say don't take it personally, it's the depression talking, but I know this is little comfort in the circumstances.

At the top of the page, under Resources and The Facts you will find heaps of information on depression. Take time to browse through this collection. You can order any of this from BB and you could offer it to your husband or leave it lying around.

Please write in again.

Mary

[geoff]

dear HeartbrokenWife, I am so sorry that your situation has come to a stage where your marriage is struggling, and I certainly don't want to take away what Chris or Mary have said to you by also replying, but it's a post that needs our support.

Your husband could be suffering from PND, and if not he is certainly depressed, but he is running away from his problems and by using alcohol and drugs will not help him, although that's what he believes.

Your own position looking after 2 very small children is a full time and exhausting job so to try and help your husband would be impossible as your children need 24 hour care, so you must be tired, worn out, bushed or whatever you want to call it, so basically you can't help your husband unless he decides to seek support from his doctor.

We wish for when someone is depressed that they would go through the right channels and get help, then you could support him, but to try and argue and fight with him about stopping the alcohol and drugs will only fall on deaf ears, and make him want to increase these addictions.

Something terrible could happen to him and I'm only saying this and not meaning for it to happen, however he maybe be taken to hospital, where he may then wake him up and realise what he has been doing.

At the moment you have to look after yourself and the two babies, but what I also want to say is that you have to be careful of your money, bank accounts, credit cards etc, and it's sad of me to mention this because of your husband, but you have to protect what you need for the babies and yourself, and I'm only saying this because your husband doesn't really know what he's doing because of the addictions and his depression.

I hope that the threads that Chris has sent to you have been informative. L Geoff. x

[Carmela]

Hi HeartbrokenWife,  I can relate to all your concerns and fears.  It is important to get help. Find a counsellor or psychologist. Talk to family and/or friends.  You can't do this on your own with two children.

Your first priorities are the children and yourself.  You do not own his depression nor are you responsible for it.   

You are a courageous and beautiful mother and wife. Do not doubt this.

[Ruby123]

Hiya,

 I'm literally going through the exact same situation at the moment. 

My husband and I have been together for 11 years and married for 4. We have a 4 year old and a 4 month old. He recently told me he loves me but feels nothing else for me. There is no affection at all in our marriage. And like you it came as a complete shock. 

We are at the stage of him moving out as I said I can't stand to live in the atmosphere anymore. He's admitted he's depressed but so far has done nothing to try and help himself which in turn means my children and me suffer. 

Michelle

[HeartbrokenWife]

Hey Michelle,

im so sorry you're going through this as well, it's just the hardest, most painful thing I can imagine.

Thankfully, despite my husband continuing to spiral out of control rapidly, he has agreed to see a psychologist with me.

i have been regularly speaking with a psychologist myself for the couple of months and she said that couples therapy won't help the situation as our relationship isn't the problem, just the casualty. though she and I thought maybe as he'd agreed to it, it will hopefully be the next step into getting him to talk about things and realise how the depression is affecting his view of our marriage.

Plus hopefully if he is officially diagnosed then he can't run away from the problem anymore....

well, I can only hope that maybe it'll be the wake up call he needs to continue to get help on his own anyway!

i hope you see some light at the end of the tunnel soon, for both you and your children.... It's the hardest thing to know you hard no part in causing the depression and also have no part in making things better.