Struggling to cope with husband's depression bombshell

[LoveActually]

Almost two weeks ago my husband came home from a night out in tears. Over the course of the weekend he admitted that he was depressed and had been for two years. He had had some untreated anxiety for several years but he always said it was rare that he felt panicked. He had been stressed and busy at work and he had assured me his anxiety was not a part of it when he got tired or impatient at home. As I struggled to cope with this bombshell,he dropped another bombshell - he is not sure if he loves me any more and if I just change this and that he will be able to get better. Having spent almost thirty years together, with two great children I am shattered. He won't discuss any of this except to say that he feels better that he has told me he is depressed. I can't tell how much of his statement about not loving me is due to depression or is our relationship the cause of our depression. He sent one text to say he feels better when he is with me and that he loves me but since then any time I say I love him I get no response. For a couple that would text each other at work that we loved each other this is such a big change. 

Since then I feel like I am walking on eggshells. I am second guessing everything I say in case it upsets him. We have not spoken about anything serious for two weeks. Only superficial stuff. I watch him acting normally with the kids, talking on the phone like there is nothing wrong in his world and I feel like the last two years have been fake. I wonder how many times we have been doing things, having fun, and it has all been an act. The worst part is that I desperately want to help this man but feel I have to respect his request to work it out on his own. So scared if I push him that he might close up completely, or worse list more of the things he finds wrong with me.

Sorry this is all over the place. I needed to get this out of my head and if anyone has advice on how to handle these first steps that would be great too. I have read the resources on the site and many posts but feel like the floor is tipping and I don't have the skills to prevent us all sliding off the edge.

[daisy54]

Well done on doing the best you can do at the moment. These issues may take a long time to sort out and talking to someone about the situation is a great start.

I had the same situation three years ago and I just let things go. It did not work out well for me, but you are handling things so much better than I did. I would say to see your doctor and get a referral to a quality psychologist or counsellor for yourself. You will be much more able to help your husband once you have gained support for yourself. I left it too late, but it did help enormously when I did take that step.

[LoveActually]

Hi Daisy 54

Thank you for your advice. I am also sorry to hear that your own situation did work out well. My husband has come home tonight and when I asked how he was he said he feels better today than he has in a long time and that things have been improving steadily each day. Whilst I am concerned that he is trying to push it all aside and get himself back on track I also feel that this might be a good time to try and have a quiet chat about what has happened over the last few weeks. I am hoping with him feeling so much better that he will be more approachable on the subject. Fingers crossed that it goes well. If not I will make an appointment for myself next week. Definitely need to chat to a third party for my own peace of mind.

thanks again and take care.

[geoff]

dear LoveActually, I want to  thank you for coming to the site and I understand what you are going through as does Daisy.

I know that it is extremely difficult deciding on whether or not to post your comment because you maybe fearful of what reaction you will get, but what it does is to bring other people who have been through very similar circumstances, and by doing this is really good.

When someone admits to their spouse/partner that they are depressed and this includes anxiety, you never know how long they have been suffering for, and perhaps they are not quiet sure themselves, but what they can do is play with the kids, put on a brave face, indicating that nothing is wrong, but deep down when they are by themselves, that's the time when they breakdown and hide their tears, so no one knows.

They do this because they don't want to admit that they have fallen, possibly feel it's a weakness, but it's so far from this, it's an illness that has grabbed them, and feel no way out of it.

Everybody is different and as much as you want to talk to him, which is understandable, however can I suggest that you take it slowly, and if you ask question after question then he will turn off and go back into his hole.

Just listen to what he says and there will be points that he may say which will be hurtful and these maybe directed towards you, but anyone with depression says a lot of bad things to the people they love and I know it will be painful for you, but it's normally never true, because one minute he says something awful but then he says he loves you. L Geoff. x

[Pixie15]

Hi LoveActually,

You have already had a couple of good replies and I would generally support what the others have written. One thing that jumped out from your post is that your partner seems to be blaming you for his anxiety and depression and expecting you to change things about yourself so that he can get better. You have not written what those things are. However all I can think is no wonder you feel like you are walking on eggshells. If your partner wants to recover from his anxiety and depression he needs to take responsibility, seek help and change his own behavior not yours. If your partner will not see his doctor it might help for you to see yours and as previously suggested get some help from a relationship counselor. It can really help to have someone you can talk honestly to face to face.

cheers,

Pixie.