Struggling to be 'the rock'

[Browneyedgirl82]

This is my first visit to beyond blue forums. I have visited the site many times looking for advice on how to help my sister who is coping with severe depression. She has been on this rollercoaster for several years. Lately there have been a series of events that have made things worse than they have been in a long time for her. Lost her job, relationship breakdown, car accident, and physical injuries. Since losing her job she has moved back with me and I am finding it very hard to be supportive of her. I know this may sound very selfish, and that is not the way i intend it, it is just heartbreaking seeing someone you love going through this and not being able to help. Sometimes i think just being there for her would help but she shuts me out. Locks herself in her bedroom for days and doesn't speak to anyone, which makes things worse. She has been to a GP and been prescribed anti-depressants but only takes them sometimes. She speaks to me regularly about not wanting to be alove anymore which is the most concerning thing. Every day i go to work or come home and she is in her room with her door shut i wonder if she is breathing in there. I have spoken to our other family members about it and asked them to help support but they don't, and she says that i and her troublesome ex partner are the only ones she can confide in about it. I'm wondering if anyone out there can offer advice on additional support for the families or carers of those suffering mental illness. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

[Exhausted]

I am also new here, only posted a few days ago so I am by no means an expert and can only offer what I see as advice.

First of all be thankfull that you are there for if you were not it seems she would have no one. all we can offer is our best, as hard as that may be sometimes.

as difficult as it may be, try to get her to take her medication daily, my wife suffers the worst when she misses one of her tablets, the "coming down" from the meds seems to be more worrying than the problems itself. I've found consistency and routine to be the most helpful, unexpected events are where she finds it hardest to keep emotions under control. simple things like get out of bed for breakfast, shower in the morning and a short walk will make a world of difference.

As much as it seems like she doesn't notice you're there I've found it the exact opposite, just being in the house around her will help. No doubt she hears you come home from work, and even that simple sound of the door unlocking when you come home will help her each day. I too am constantly worried about going to work or leaving the house at all, but have realised there is no way around it and try not to worry myself too much. (as hard as that sounds)

I've also had trouble with asking family for help and not getting much back, the trouble is most of the time they simply don't understand, some are more helpful than others and those are the ones I've focused on to help me, even if it's just a couple hours out to recharge myself. I've found myself asking them to help me support her rather than offering their uninformed support to her directly. more often than not they are willing to help me but don't offer full support to her, its weird how it works but its a matter of wording the question for help correctly.

And never underestimate the help and support you offer, even the slightest of deeds could change her day, she may never share it with you but you always make a difference.

As I said, I'm no expert but struggling just like you, and I hope you take something positive from this.

Best of luck to you.

[geoff]

dear Browneyedgirl, thanks for joining the site and this also goes to Exhausted.

There are a couple of words that you use about your sister and these are 'physical injuries' and her contact with her ' troublesome partner' that concern me, and could be a problem down the track.

There is a great deal that your sister has gone through from the past and I can see her developing PTSD, which eventually she will need professional help with, but she is probably not wanting to get this help, so in a way she is in denial to a certain degree, although she knows that she doesn't feel like loving again.

I only say this because she doesn't trust anyone except for you and her ex-partner, and isn't ready for counselling, so in a way it can be called 'in denial'.

What you have to understand in regard to someone with depression is that we can't force them to open up, because if we do this then we lose any connection between the two of you, and they will avoid you.

It's hard to say this especially when you want to help her and uncertain of may lie ahead or what she could do, which is one of your greatest concerns, and certainly nothing we hope will never happen.

As much as you want to help her, I totally agree with Exhausted 'being in the house around her will help her', exactly right because she was the one that moved in to stay with you.

I realise that non communication is frustrating you, but she will only talk when she wants to, as this could happen any time of the day or night, and probably the worst time of day/night that you just want to sleep.

There are a few issues here that need to attention, but won't be easy to persuade her to do, 1 is that you give her the AD that she needs to take everyday in the morning, this may mean that you have remove the lock on her door, and say to her that you have lost the key, and that her doctor has contacted you to see how she is and has set up 10 free visits to see a psych, which means that you may have to see or ring her doctor to do this.

As much as you are doing the best you can do, and that's a credit to you, she does need to get professional help and this may mean her going to hospital, which probably would be the best option, so that would mean her taking her AD. Hope you cn get back to us. Geoff.

[Browneyedgirl82]

Thanks Exhausted. It's good to hear from someone going through the same thing trying to support a loved one. I need to have the difficult conversation with her about her meds, it never goes down well as she thinks i am mothering her or just being nosy. But it is definitely the first step to things becoming more manageable and at least getting her out of the house. I am very wary about involving the rest of the family as she doesn't feel she can talk to them (or that they listen) and i don't want to be seen to be betraying her confidence. I guess we all have to keep rolling with the punches and hoping that things will improve.

[Browneyedgirl82]

Hi Geoff, thanks for your reply. Firstly the physical injuries and ex-partner are not related, luckily. She suffered some ongoing aches and pains from her former job and since stopping work and becoming fairly sedementary, they have slowly gotten worse. You are definitely right about the wanting to talk any day or night thing. It actually seems the times when i need to get away and give me some time to cope is when she wants to talk about things. I guess that is one of the things i struggle with, i don't feel i have a place or time for me to de-stress and have some downtime. She has already registered for the psych visits with her GP, 5 weeks ago and they have not yet contacted her. I asked her to call them and check up on it, i would do it myself but i don't have the info. It's a hard relationship, she is very closed, and only wants to talk when she wants to, and if i ask the wrong question the conversation is abruptly brought to a close. When i start getting into details about meds and doctors, it's usually when she cuts me off. Although, afterwards she does realise talking about it makes her feel better. It's such a vicious cycle. Great to know there are people out there i can talk to about it and seek advice. Thanks so much for listening.

[StrugglingStudent]

Hi BrownEyedGirl,

I have been on the other side of depression for many years (ie. the sufferer rather than the carer) and I want to offer you some encouragement. 

Although the depression may make us come across as grumpy, nasty, ungrateful people, the reality is that we actually appreciate those special people in our lives who try so hard to understand us. We would be lost and alone without people like you. We may be drowning too deeply in our depression to be able to reach out and say a simple word of thanks. Sometimes you'll hug us and we can't even hug back. We might be irritable and snap at you but it's usually ourselves we're angry at. Sometimes we shut ourselves in our room to hide from the world, and sometimes it's actually to protect our loved ones from ourselves. 

It can be a difficult, thankless job being there for a depressed person. So please believe when i tell you you're making a difference.

Regards

[Browneyedgirl82]

Thank you prudent student. It is very hard and sometimes I wonder who is there to support me support her? The days when she is good, and happy and loving make the rest of the struggle worth it. Although I wonder if there will ever be a light at the end of the tunnel. It seems like every time something goes wrong she is plunged right back to being as bad as when it all started. I hope you have people in your life that give you this kind of love and support. If you don't mind my asking, how long have you suffered with depression and do you feel that you have gradually learned tools to manage it better over the years?