Self Harming Teen

[Mimsa]

Gosh, where do I start with this, I am distraught and need to hear form others that have been through this.

I have a 13 year old teen girl who is going through some hard times. It started when she was in year 7 and was bullied by the entire school because she loved the whole furry world (where people design and create fur suits). She loves creating and designing them. Long story short she began to self harm as a way of dealing with her emotions, we worked very closely with the school and a psychologist and the bullying stopped and she got through it.

Fast forward a year later and the self harming has started again, I've noticed she has befriended a 13 yr old online that has told my daughter that she identifies as a boy and is transgender. This child if from Canada, since then I've noticed that my daughter started dressing in boys clothes and wanted to cut her hair short, so I let her.  The self harming also started again to the point that the police turned up at my front doorstep because she told someone online she was going to harm herself again and this child was clever enough to contact the authorities and report it. My daughter then told me that she feels like she is transgender, this was a shock to me, however I did tell her that I love her no matter what, but she is still very young to make these decisions as her mind is still developing and she might not feel this way in the future. 

I have her back into a counselling program and have her seeing a psychologist. I have confiscated all the sharps in the house and had to extend this to sharpeners as well, I discovered that she was removing the blades! On Friday I noticed a scrape on her arm and when I asked her what happened she told me she fell and scraped it on the concrete during sport. I accepted this, however, my mum told me this morning that she caught her scratching at the arm and that is what the scrape is. She was self harming using her nails now!! I was very upset and did not handle it the best way, I started crying and said that how am I supposed to trust her if she doesn't come and speak with me when she feels this way.

I don't know what else to do! She is actively lying to me about the self harm and I don't know how else I can control my emotions, I feel she doesn't tell me because I get sad, this is something she told the counselor. 

Do they get better? Is there anything more I can do to handle this situation better, I feel like I myself am sliding into depths of sadness.

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

After reading your post I was going to give answering it a miss, transgenderism, young teenagers etc isnt an ideal topic for a 58yo guy. We Community Champions here and some members have lived experience with mental health challenges we are not professional people in the field. Our experiences however are vast and spread out so hoping another person chimes in.

What I do think personally is that self harm of the type you describe your daughter using, is very serious so every avenue must be explored. Her interest in "Furry world suits" is something that could be turned into more of a positive (to help her with this problem) than merely an interest. It could also be something you or other loving people could encourage/participate in so she expands the hobby. Many of us here know that people having a mental illness often do have a creative side and famous people often do to. If she has that creativity in her then for it not to be utilised will see her frustration grow. The introduction of young children down the track that she could share her abilities cant be ruled out and therefore a career could be born. I see potential.

The online friend is a big concern as its likely that person is planting ideas otherwise not thought of. Kids get led so easily at that age and my daughter did also. I would speak to your service provider to see what restrictions you can place on her computer. The other idea is to speak to the Canadian yourself and ask her what qualifications she has to offer such advice. As for your daughter dressing in boys clothes, I actually think thats ok, young people do have to explore their own boundaries to find their own road in life and it will swing left and right until they find themselves. You did right by reaffirming your love, perhaps allow her to wear one or two items of boys clothing for a months or two and reassess. These compromises are what can make her see you as a friendly mother accepting her how she feels rather than the easily emotional mum that will go against her own direction. 

You are doing all the right things, you are a good mother no doubt there, some building of trust so she can tell you how she feels will take time but one day she'll surprise you.

Take care. Reply anytime

TonyWK

[Scared]

I cant add much here because today im not doing too well myself.

Just in case you cant understand self harm I can explain to you why I have myself self harmed.

When in psychological pain there is no way to make it stop hurting.  However if you make your arm hurt for eg. the focus is on the new physical pain you create and that takes away or lessens the mental pain by focusing on the immediate pain on your arm.   This self harm can hurt but the hurt on your arm for eg is better and easier to handle than emotional pain.  I was so unsure of writing this to you, then i realise that all information whether in bits and pieces can be compiled together in your journey of helping your child.

I know those who truely are trangender know this about themselves already and this may very well be an escape from emotional stress.

I think you are such a good mom to your daughter telling her you love her no matter what.  I think this love is what will see your daughter thru this difficult time.

I wish I could just make your daughter better right now.

Im hoping others here will add to some answers for you.

Your a great mum

[therising]

Hi Mimsa

The warmest of welcomes to you as you face such an incredibly challenging time in your life and the life of your daughter.

I've found love can be such an incredibly emotional and tough thing to manage at times, especially when we give it no solid definition that we can relate to. Myself, I largely love my kids (my 19yo son and 21yo daughter), by serving them in ways that can lead them to evolve. Whether it involves loving them through a sense of guidance, laughter, adventure, curiosity, support, self questioning/self understanding or something else, there are so many different things a person can evolve through. For your daughter, helping her to evolve through and beyond her challenges by employing a psychologist as a guide for her is a great example of actively loving someone.

I wish someone had told me something along the lines, before my kids were born, 'When your child comes to life, from day one your job involves you leading them to discover who they naturally are. While you will be challenged to basically feed them, house them, educate them, clothe them etc, your ultimate challenge involves helping them come to their senses in ways that are going to serve them'. I like to imagine we all come to life with a backpack, as fellow travelers. In it will be all our natural tools or abilities: A sense of wonder, curiosity and a natural sense of questioning, a sense of adventure, a sense of intuition, a sense of injustice, a sense of imagination and a whole stack of other things. So 'coming to our senses' is about learning how to understand and utilise those tools or abilities in constructive ways. In an ideal world, we become masters of such abilities, reaching for the best resource/s under the circumstances. 'Let me use my sense of wonder, under the circumstances, so I don't jump to conclusions' or 'I'll access my intuition to get a better sense of this or that person's intentions' and so on. With the transgender factor your daughter's facing, could she be accessing her natural sense of wonder in this case and need guidance in regard to how she's wondering?

It can be so hard to manage our own emotions in service to our kids, truly challenging at times. As a loving mum, I've been guilty of sobbing when feeling my child's heartfelt pain. You know that feeling, when they tell you something and you get this overwhelming wave or more like tsunami of emotion that suddenly hits you in the chest/heart, surges up to your throat and then comes out your eyes. Those who know what great love feels like can relate to this surge of power. I think one of the hardest thing to master as a loving parent can be 'emotional detachment in favour of pure analysis'. In other words 'Let me just switch off my ability to feel deeply for you while we analyse the hell out of this situation together'.