Seeking advice for a loved one

[LovemyDad]

My Dad was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer back in Nov 19. Straight away he became severely depressed - it was such a shock for him. The cancer had spread to his liver and it is terminal without any operation available. Since then, he wont go outdoors and stresses excessively over any appointments with drs etc. He refuses to see any family members/friends with the exception of his 3 children. He will not watch TV, as to him, everyone seems too happy/ healthy and he won't even go outside to his garden which he absolutely loves because everything is so healthy / beautiful / green. Only today, 4 months later, he has told me that he has a voice telling him that he shouldn't do certain things as there will be consequences / the voice is even telling him to plan his own funeral. Insofar as the cancer is concerned my dear Dad is doing very well but he has this severe anxiety / depression that has unfortunately taken over. Dad is currently on numerous anti-depressants but nothing appears to be working. Prior to his diagnosis he was very fit and a very humorous, caring, loving person. He keeps saying that he doesn't want to be the person he is today and it saddens him so much that he cannot go out and garden or catch up for coffee with his 2 brothers....... We (as a family) are desperate ................ I miss my (fun loving) Dad and will do anything to improve his mental state to enable him some quality of life for the time he has left..... who knows it could be weeks or months. I don't want him to waste that time sitting in his chair crying and desperately needing help. I want my Dad and our family to have happy memories of the time we have left. Thank you.

[blondguy]

Hello LovemyDad

I hope its okay to welcome you to the forums especially in this awful time you and your dad (and family) are going through as we speak. I am so sorry to read about your dad's diagnosis and the effect on his mental health

So we can provide the support your family requires in this difficult time....Can I ask how frequent your dad's appointments are with his GP/Psychiatrist? With the diagnosis you mentioned it would be crucial to have at least weekly visits with a health professional so he can talk about his feelings during this time

I have had chronic anxiety/depression reducing..slowly on and off for 37 years and it can be a dark place to be in...Just sharing with you...I take AD's and also a low dose benzo when required.

Can I ask how your dads anxiety levels are at the moment?

Can you please call the gentle qualified people on the Beyond Blue support line 24/7 1300 22 4636 just so you can have a voice on voice conversation that will not only benefit your dad and yourself yet all of the family too...They will be able to provide you with the helpful contact numbers you need

we are here..caring and listening

Paul

[LovemyDad]

Hi Paul and thank you for your much appreciated response. I'm sorry to hear that you have been on the receiving end of this cruel disease and for such a long period of time - I hope life is much better for you now. I myself have suffered from depression throughout my life but it was never "chronic". My Dad's anxiety at the moment is terrible. He has chemo today which sends him in to such a state. Fortunately, I have been given permission to accompany him while he is undergoing chemo as it is critical for him to have support - he is just unable to cope with seeing people and having to sit for 4 hours in a strange / clinical environment. Dad currently has weekly visits with his GP/psychiatrist. Until this week they had been happening by telephone but at the family's request he was seen personally as we thought it necessary that they witness his decline in person. I will definitely call your support line and have a chat ..... thanks again.

[Tay100]

Hi LovemyDad

Firstly, I'm so sorry to hear about your situation-posting here can be a great step in dealing with things, but it's still hard to do, so well done to you.

In addition to blondguy's words, I feel compelled to gently remind you of the importance of self care too. Everything is focused on your Dad, and understandably so, but it's important to treat yourself with compassion and tenderness too. In short, being there for yourself will help you be there for him. As blondguy said, seeking some guidance from Beyond Blue could be a part of this. If you like, we can brainstorm what self care during this time might look like for you- we can check out some resources and/or I can share some things that have worked for me. Up to you, let us know- we'll be here.

Sending kindness,

Tay100

[LovemyDad]

Hi Tay100,

Thank you for your kind words.

I am aware of my own self-care and am doing my best. At times it can be very difficult as I am trying to hold down a full-time job as well as cooking meals and being there as much as I can for my parents. Luckily I don't live too far away from them. I am currently taking every Wednesday off work to accompany Dad to chemo and also to give Mum some much needed respite.

LovemyDad

[Tay100]

Hi LovemyDad

Thanks for checking back in with us. It's good to hear that you are aware of what self-care works for you and helps you recharge from your busy schedule. It's great that you support your other family members so that they can self-care too- having a community like this can make all the difference, for sure.

And yes, at times fitting self-care into a hectic schedule can feel impossible- would you perhaps like some advice on this? I mean, kudos to you for managing a full-time job especially. Let us know.

Tay100