Reaching my limit

[AnxietyWifey]

I’ll try and keep this short and sweet.

my Husband has been suffering severe anxiety and depression for a little over a year now. He’s always had these issues niggling at the back of his mind but they didn’t really impact his daily life.

A little over a year ago, he suddenly started having a panic attack, this went on for more than a week before it settled.

he has tried medication which only made him sick. He’s never been able to stomach anything stronger than panadol, it just comes straight back up and leaves him bedridden so medications aren’t an option. We tried therapy, which only led to more panic attacks so he’s not willing to go down that path again.

I try so hard to be supportive, but His fluctuating moods and episodes are really taking their toll on me. We can’t do anything because his anxiety takes over. Even something as simple as going into an elevator, he will grit his teeth and yell at me if I try to get in if there’s too many people.
I’m exhausted. I have no idea what else we can try if medications don’t work and therapy makes it worse.

I can’t talk to him about it because if I do, I’m the worst person in the world. Sometimes I think about how much easier my life would be alone and this makes me feel guilty. I have no idea what I can do.

[emotionallydrained]

Hi AnxietyWifey,

I'm so sorry to hear what you're going through. I read your post as it is similar to the situation I am in. Our situation has been going on for some 12 years though and while it has improved, it's not perfect and I do struggle because of decisions I made.

My husband also suffers anxiety and in the early days panic attacks. It would come quickly and we'd have to leave the event we were at. It got to the point where he couldn't go to public events or large gatherings. Christmas was with 2-4 people and in 2 sittings at our house. To support my husband I wouldn't go to the functions either and so we'd always have to decline invites. It got to the point where we were getting fewer and fewer invites and in the end none, now it's literally just immediate family.

I can tell you I've missed so many milestones, family functions and events that I'd usually go to and have fun at. He was never really a go to family functions type of guy so it wasn't a big loss for him. When you say you have a birthday trip coming up, it's great that he is not saying to cancel and don't go. But I can see your stress knowing what is coming. I could see this too and so I did cancel events or not suggest trips that would pressure him. The problem is fast forward those years to now and I have friends I can count on one hand (and don't see very often) and am only close to my immediate family. I've not seen my extended family in over 8 years. I was close to them all now they assume I've just snobbed them.

I guess what I am saying is, please make sure you don't stop your life for them. I know it's hard and I felt so guilty even thinking about going to events and places which is why I didn't. I thought I was supporting him. But now that he is a little better and can manage going to events and places, we only go when he wants to. I don't go to events or dinner with friends on my own. I now suffer depression because of the life we lead, but he can't see why. Like you, when I say anything to do with his anxiety I get tared with the worst person tag and I'm just bullying him again and I'm not supportive. The guilt trip cycles continue.

I wish I was stronger to stand up for myself earlier so I didn't end up alone with no real support close by. I just felt guilty and thought I was being supportive, but after reading the forums, I realise now (10 yrs too late) that I needed to keep myself alive and not enable his anxiety.

It's tough and we're here for you.

[Tay100]

Hi AnxietyWifey

Just thought I'd stop by and see how you were doing- has your husband been more open to suggestions? How has your communication been going? I hope you are looking after yourself as well- including practising self-compassion and healthy alone time as we've discussed.

Tay100