My nan has dementia and it is hurting me

[imbadwithnames]

My nan has always been fairly volatile, she plays the victim card a lot and cannot admit she could ever do anything wrong. Responsibility is not a thing she understands. She makes up random lies to fit her stories that she WANTS, not what actually happened. She tells me to stop getting an education as I am going to get married young (she says I am "ready for marriage", I am 21 and have never even had a partner) and stay home to have children (I don't want kids even remotely, and if I had them I would not give up my career for them as that is not who I am). She is stuck in the 1960s and is extremely racist, homophobic and transphobic all of which I detest. And this is all before she started developing dementia.

If my name looks familiar, you may have seen me in the Anxiety and Depression thread. I have severe mental demons. I moved up from Melbourne and left quarentine at the beginning of September. Since September I have looked after my nan 3 times ( a week each) as my family are all very busy so they tend to shove her onto me as I am unemployed.

I won't go into the details of the first two, but lets just say I helped her pack her entire 4 bedroom house, took her to doctors appointments, took her shopping, cooked for her ect. Basically a glorified nurse. I moved her house, drove her car an hour to her new house, replanted her whole garden, unpacked everything, you name it, I did it.

I will mostly focus on this week. When I arrived in her home city (I live 2.5hrs away) I was told by family (who was going away, hence my need to be here as nan can't drive, so someone needs to take her to the bank, shopping ect. and she won't accept BlueCare help) that she had no idea who I was and "Hadn't seen me since I was a baby" (She had seen me 7 days prior).

I went over to see her today and she was volatile. She was abusive to me and my family, made up lies like she usually does, played the victim and made up elaborate things about how all her family were awful and they didn't care about her ectect. She is a black hole that sucks all the happiness out and it's leaving me exhausted.

I just don't know how to deal with her. I have severe mental demons of my own, I dont need someone else adding to that. She is exhausting to be around but I also need to take her to get food, take her to get money out ect. or else she can't survive. She is in her 80s and just tiring.

How do I deal with her? Does anyone have any advice about dementia patients?

[Sophie_M]

Hi I'mbadwithnames, thanks for joining us on the Beyond Blue forum tonight. We're sorry to hear about the situation with your grandmother and the stress you feel having to care for her. We can imagine these dramatic changes in behaviour would be very upsetting. It also sounds like your family are demanding a lot from you. We admire the care you have provided so far but acknowledge how draining and taxing this must be on your own wellbeing. Is this something you'd be open to sharing with your family? Perhaps, they can help you better manage this tricky situation. 

You might find some of the resources on "Dementia Australia" useful in better managing your grandmother's symptoms, particularly the following articles:

• Communication Factsheet
• Taking a Break Factsheet
• Taking care of yourself Factsheet

You might also like to get in contact with 'The National Dementia Helpline'. It is a free telephone service that provides information and advice to people living with dementia but also to family, friends and carers of people living with dementia. The helpline can be accessed via call 1800 100 500, webchat: dementia.org.au/helpline/webchat and email helpline@dementia.org.au (Monday to Friday, 8:00am - 8:00pm.). We hope these resources are helpful to you and please feel free to keep posting here on your thread whenever you feel up to it. 

[smallwolf]

Hi. It certainly sounds like a very stressful situation for you. And it sounds like you are the main carer for you nan and the number of times you have done this shows how much you care. I have a little understanding of how upsetting it can be as my own grandmother had it. My dad has started down that path now. From the circles I people I am in contact with there are others in a similar position to me where a parent has dementia. A couple of the persons would say things totally out of character, reacting angrily to those trying to help. I think the fact sheets that Sophie_M listed would be good for me also. My heart goes out to you...

Peace to you,

Tim

[blondguy]

Hi i'mbadwithnames

I understand what you are going through as my mum is 90 and it is difficult to cope with. I find myself struggling despite the love I have for her.

Frustration is an accurate word to sum up what we are going through. It can be very hard to cope with.

You are doing everything possible (and good you!) to help and provide support to your grandmother. There is only so much we can do when an elderly relative has a 'tired mind'

I think you are amazing for being as caring as you are! Your nan is lucky to have you in her life

great to have you as part of the forum family

Paul