Questions and curiosity

[Maria_M]

Hi all

First time posting, I saw this and thought that it would be good to read and participate in if I need. I did have two questions that have been playing in my mind, it would be good for me to get other thoughts on this.

My partner was diagnosed with depression about 1.5 years ago. He has improved significantly with medication, psychologist and support from me. We can identify the first trigger/contributor to his depression, he got into a really good space then another trigger happened about 3 months ago. This caused some setbacks in his progress, triggering a depressive episode. He is always going to his psychologist appointment and compliant with medication. I’m so lucky he seeks support from professional and our relationship while impacted in some ways it has made us more emotionally connected.

I am also seeing a psychologist so I can ensure my mental health is being cared for and to build my understanding and skills of depression and how to support him.

my questions were:

1. How long does depressive episodes last for? I know it’s different for everyone

2. I feel like I always ask, everyday, how he is feeling and what’s bothering him because I can tell when he isn’t having a good day. I feel like it’s too much but I can’t stop worrying about him and what I can do to help. I know I can’t ‘fix’ him but I just want to support him as much as I can. In your view is this too much? If I need to cut back, any tips on how I can stop, it’s hard 😓

3. he worries that he will be like this for the rest of his life due to experiencing 2 episodes in 1.5 years. It must be so hard for him to go through this, I wish I can help him see that it will get better. Any handy tips on how to support a male going through depression? He sees himself as weak. But he is again, doing everything he can to help himself, although implementing things at home is a struggle.

thank you in advance ☺️

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

By asking him daily how he is feeling is an act of kind intentions, however if say, he feels good, by asking him you are turning his mind from a pleasant day to focussing on his depression levels.

That is counterproductive. I would suggest you only bring up the subject if he does. Then discuss it. Happy days are few For depressed people so enjoy it with him.

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TonyWK

[uncut_gems]

Hi Maria,

Welcome to the forums– I'm so grateful that you came here and shared some of the tough stuff you're dealing with. As you know, mental illness doesn't just cause difficulties for the sufferer, but for all the people close to them. The fact that you have a psychologist of your own means you're doing just the right thing in caring for yourself while doing what sounds like an admirable job caring for your partner.

I'll try to answer your questions point-by-point.

1. Unfortunately you are totally right– it's different for everyone. Depression is one of those frustrating things like the cold that is incredibly common and yet eludes a lot of scientific understanding. Experts disagree on almost every part of it, which can be frustrating when you're trying to find information on things like episode duration. That said, a depressive period is considered two weeks or more, and might generally last for a period of days or months. I know that's not terribly helpful, but these things really are unpredictable and can be dependent on whatever life throws at us. 1.5 years between episodes is quite normal and does not necessarily forecast future ones.

2. Like White Knight said, if you're dealing with a mood disorder it can be frustrating to , and it's important to focus on enjoying the good times together. However, I think your impulse to ask how he is all the time comes only from a place of love and concern (something he almost certainly knows), and is completely understandable, just like anyone would want to get up-to-date info on their partner's health if they had any other condition. Be open with him about your concern; he will be grateful for how caring and reflexive you are. That puts you miles ahead of the rest of the pack.

3. Unfortunately being a man and the expectations that come with masculinity can make depression worse, precisely because of the idea of being "weak" that you mentioned. I think we (men) are fortunate to live in a time when things are softening, and can work to redefine masculinity as being both strong and vulnerable. This may not be super useful in the short term for you or your partner, but many people find thinking of mental illness as "just another illness" relieves some of the guilt and shame that makes it feel like a personal moral failing. I wonder if your partner might be open to this reframing?

Would be lovely to see you around the forums and hear how things are going.

Warmly,

Gems

[Maria_M]

Thank you both for you replies. It’s nice to hear from others about information relating to depression and hearing it is normal. Deep down I know it is ok and normal, but it’s that reassurance that helps.

I will try work on the male masculinity perspective suggestion that has been made with my partner.

Thank you again, I really appreciate it.