Ptsd and addiction

[lost-my-life]

Just wondering how other spouses cope with PTSD and addiction. We are / do see a psych and he is on medications and has gone through the alcohol abuse program and stopped drinking. He has now regressed and is lying about his abuse of alcohol and pain killers. He has had several car accidents that I believe are medication related and recently I have had three major health issues where he just ha simply been unable to help as he has been off his face. I feel alone, abandoned by him with any conversation I try to have ends in him walking away with anger. All the psychs etc say not to be judge mental or nag or attack a PTSD person, so I have tried every suggested approach but nothing is changing. I carry the burden of running our whole house now, when I owned a business he blamed the buisness for everything but now I have sold it he is helping less than when I had the buisness, the only time he is motivated is when he wants to do something for himself. What goals we set together go out the window when this happens with the excuse of I forgot. We make weekly goals which we write on a chalk board on our fridge which he goes to all the time during the day? Im running out of ways and would welcome any suggestions that work for others. 

[Croix]

Dear Lost-my-life~
I'd like to welcome you here to the Forum. A good thing as you can look around and find other people that have been in similar situations. It is a horrible set of circumstances for you and I can relate - but from the other side

I was initially suffering severe symptoms of PTSD, plus accompany depression and anxiety. It was caused by my occupation and I was eventually invalided out with no prospects of other employment and was home all the time

I was extremely difficult to live with, totally bound up in my own concerns, controlling, suspicious, unreasonable and also unpredictable, sometimes responding to a kind word by ignoring it or giving a one word answer, other times responding with anger and resentment

I was also at the stage where my mind was so full of my own dark thoughts I had no mental capacity left to cope wiht other people, and wanted to be left alone

Like you my wife had to work, do everything about the house including cooking, cleaning and washing, look after the offspring and finances and try to cope with me

It was weird, I could not really understand why I was the way I was, did not value love or everything from before and was angry - but at the same time part of me knew I was being beastly and felt guilty

Frankly to this day I do not know why my wife stayed, asking her in later years she said it was simply love. I owed her a great debt, one I was fortunate enough to repay many years later when she needed support in a very long terminal illness

While I may be able to understand why you husband might drink -life being truly horrible, I did not go down that path. Of course, as with any dependency lies and untruths follow

Continued in part 2

[Croix]

Part 2

Not keeping up the progress made with alcohol and meds misuse is disheartening, however one can learn from it and be more successful the next time, much better than thinking one is a failure

There can be hope. As time has gone on I've reached a stage of recovery where again I am a person who can be relied upon, enjoy (most of) life, and love and am loved. I like to think I'm a better, kinder, more understanding person in a relationship than I was. I still am on meds and still receive therapy many years later, mainly to keep things stable

I'm afraid that does not give you a 'road map' what to do EXCEPT please get as much support for yourself as you can, both personal from family and friends if they are there, and medical too. You are under enormous strain

We are here whenever you might like

Croix

[geoff]

Hello Lost-my-life, he may say that he's stopped drinking, but there could be a chance hes 'cupboard' drinking, but then you might notice by his behaviour, if however, he has stopped then he's replacing the alcohol with self medicating with pain medication.

One thing that you're not been supported with, is your health issues and that definitely a great concern for you because he offers no comfort or help because he only wants what he wants and being selfish is not ideal in a situation like this.

Trust is a big issue here but it's not happening in any way and must be disappointing for you and certainly a great concern for you.

For him to beat these addictioins is only up to him, he can get help, but the final decision is his, and sometimes rehab is not the best answer, only because as soon as he is released the temptation to continue could arise, especially in situations that are difficult to solve.

Hope you can get back to us.

Geoff.

Life Member.

[lost-my-life]

Thanks Geoff, I’m really trying to be supportive and not enable him but it is like living with a sullen teenager and I’m the parent. I don’t want to be a parent and thank goodness we never had kids with his toxic choices. I onky have a few friends as years of his ptsd have alienated me from a lot of family and contacts , but luckily for me my parents are just around the corner and have come to my rescue to help these three times recently. I am seriously at the point that I am thinking we can’t continue but even feel guilty in thinking this as he has mentioned a lot that if I wasn’t in his life he would be dead. Yep I know this is a form of manipulation / abuse but when you love someone and been with them since you were 16 it’s jolly hard. I applaud your wife Croix, she is stronger than me. I need ways to get him help without enabling him. He has the cognitive reasoning of a 13 yr old according to his psych and major d repression and anxiety on top of PTSD . His psych keeps stressing that I can’t blame him for how he behaves because of his issues but he is stable on his medication and has been for two years now. I was hoping for any sign of improvement in his general demeanor , every day life but with the medication the only thing that has changed is he has stopped having panic attacks. I guess it’s a journey that he needs to take to get better in his own head but the constant battle of even getting him to shower , look after his assistance dog or talk nicely to me is wearing me down. Now we have regressed into drinking and pain meds he believes he hasn’t? He puts on this lovely person when he talks to my parents, people he wants to talk to, people doing work on his project car that everyone thinks he’s a great guy, he was once but I am starting to feel like a battered wife.  like you said you don’t know why you behaved this way, neither do I! I would never treat anyone this way and the fact that he and others can I don’t think I will ever understand. He treats his dog the same way and boy does she give him unconditional love if that can’t get through to him 

[Croix]

Dear Lost-my-life~

There is one tihng that worries me about your post, you seemed to be comparing the strenght of my partner with yourself saying "she is stronger than me."  Without belittling my wife's efforts I think your situation is harder.

I'd have to say this is a most unfair comparison and you are at least as strong. My partner did not have to deal with me drinking or misusing meds or telling lies and also did not have to watch me being nice and putting on a fair face for others - because I didn't.

I think you have done a marvelous job to come as far as you have, and it is not you, but his thoughts and behaviour that are dictating your circumstances. I'm very glad you do have your parents nearby and they are prepared to help you, it can make all the difference.

A person saying words that imply if you leave they will take their life can place you in that horrible situation where you feel solely responsible for keeping them alive, and as a result are trapped. In fact no one person can keep another alive, at best it is a joint effort between their medical team, a part by those around them, and a part by themselves.

Working out how much capacity you have left 'to be a parent' is a most difficult choice, and actually there may be regrets whatever you decide. Is there a councilor or other you can talk things over frankly with who will help you set out options? Sometimes that can make things clearer.

Croix