Partners drinking himself to death

[Noone]

Hi. I’m new here. But how do you cope with some one that is drinking themself to an early grave..  

the subject is strictly taboo with him so we don’t talk about it. I feel disconnected to him    There is so much more but I don’t know how to talk about it as I’ve not spoken to any one about it.  
I feel angry that he dose not care enough for us  for him self to stop. Has been going on for years and years.   I know I can not stop him as it is up to him . But I’m at the point that I am starting to dislike him. 

[Scared]

Disliking your alcoholic partner is understandable.  Gambling addicts alcoholics drug addicts only more often only see their vice as their only true love.

The destruction and hurt they cause can be immense. 
My girlfriend is a gambling addict and when I confront her Im met with rage.

I no longer give money and in turn she gets hostile.  So I get the taboo status these addicts place on this discussions around their addiction.  I also understand the anger we can have at their selfishness and the fear and sadness we have by thinking of leaving them behind.

You feel like screaming at them stop hurting me and youself.

But they dont listen I know this only too well.  I have always admired strong people who say to the addict " im leaving you as i not standing by you watching you kill yourself "  Addicts generally only come to the conclusion that change is needed after we make that change for them . Im not wanting to be responsible for breakups but living with any addict thats hurting me is a Deal breaker for me.

I left my girlfriend back in Thailand due to gambling as the major issue.

She immediately got a job and said she stopped gambling but I no longer trust her fully.  Im sure you have done everything you can to save this relationship up to this point.  But as always we cant change people sadly and it is we that have to make changes.

Its unfair I know.  Alcoholism doesnt care about whats fair or not .  Its up to us to choose whats fair for ourselves and act upon it.  Your partner probably drinks to dull some pain but if they wont share the pain with you then what else can you do.

I personally would be saving my energy to put into making changes for You

[Noone]

Thank you for your reply. 

[sbella02]

Noone,

Welcome to the forums, I hope you can find some comfort in our community here. I'm sorry to hear that you've been dealing with this.

I've also had an alcoholic partner, and it is frustrating watching them slowly destroy themselves. We see the best in them, perhaps because we're holding onto a past ideal of them, and we want more than anything for them to see it in themselves and stop engaging in destructive activities. But sometimes (mostly) it's beyond our control. Resentment can fester if this pattern continues for long enough, as you've described, which is not a healthy foundation for a relationship.

You've said that the subject is taboo, does this mean that you've tried to help him in the past, or have encouraged him to seek help? If you haven't and you would still like to stay in this relationship, encourage him to seek help. If you've tried before and feel that it may be beyond repair, it is up to you to decide how much of his behaviour you're willing to tolerate before checking out. It sounds like you've already been through a lot.

At the end of the day, there are two people in this relationship, and your mental/physical health is important too. If the relationship is hurting you more than it's healing you, it may be time to step away. I know this can be a difficult decision to make, particularly if you've been together for a while, but it's very important to take care of yourself as well. You don't want to become collateral damage in his self-destructive behaviour. Take care of yourself, you're important and worthy of a love that is healthy and fulfilling. 

I hope this helps, please feel free to continue chatting with us. I've got a bit of experience with this situation, so I'm happy to offer more advice or suggestions or even reassurance if needed. We're here for you regardless of your decision.

Take care, SB

[therising]

Hi Noone

As a gal who's been on both sides of the fence, as a drinker and largely non drinker these days, I can see it from 2 different perspectives. Being married to a drinker means I can also see the damage it can do to a relationship over time. I feel for you, given your concern and worry for this person as well as the ongoing disappointment and personal struggle you face as a result of their addiction.

There can definitely be a lot of disappointment when it comes to another person's alcohol use. There can also be a lot of initially unrecognised grief as well. To offer a handful of examples in regard to where I'm coming from

• 'I appoint you the role of he/she who's mentally, emotionally and physically available'. Time and time again you gotta dis-appoint them from that role or they disappoint themself from the role because of alcohol. For example, they can't drive places (even in an emergency), they can't/won't have emotionally challenging discussions and their cognitive abilities go out the window. You become the one who takes responsibility for a lot of physical, emotional and mental challenges alone
• 'I appoint you the role of someone who's able to recall important conversations'. Again, there can be that dis-appointment (of a role) as alcohol doesn't allow them to remember important conversations that you need them to remember. It's you who has to manage the best time, for them to be able to remember conversations, or you have to manage what's important alone
• 'I appoint you the role of someone who is fully conscious in regard to what they do and say'. With alcohol being a mind altering substance, you can watch as a drinker gradually loses consciousness (conscious awareness) drink after drink. You end up being conscious alone

There can be so many dis-appointments until we stop appointing those roles and there can be so many responsibilities to take on alone. I've found this creates a natural disconnection which can have a sense of resentment about it. When it's all whittled down to what they can do (the roles they can fill), which might only be a handful of roles, there can be a great sadness or sense of grief in realising how alone you can feel and how there's just not that much there to work with in the relationship.

On the other side of the fence, for a drinker, drinking offers nothing but solutions (in their mind). It's a 'solution' for stress, a 'solution' for social anxiety, a 'solution' to what feels depressing and the list goes on. It is a liquid solution in a bottle that offers no skill development in regard to managing stress naturally, social anxiety naturally, developing happy emotions naturally etc etc. In fact, drinking is what facilitates avoidance when it comes to greater self understanding and self development. Until a drinker wakes up to their solution as being their biggest problem and a problem for those around them, they can resent anyone looking to deprive them of their solution to everything. Some will never see it as a problem, depending on the story they tell themself, such as 'I can manage to hold down a job, everyone loves me, there a times during the day where I'm sober and don't have a problem driving and it's not my fault that my partner can be difficult to live with'. Sometimes, it's not until things start to really fall apart for them that they begin to wake up.