Partner with anxiety

Wiggy76 · ‎06-12-2017

Hi.

first time poster. My partner and I have been together for 4 years now. We are engaged and have a geougous 20 month old son.

I am really starting to struggle with her emotion and moods. She suffers from anxiety and doesn't take her medication. When she does take them and has been on them for a while she is amazing. But she will feel better than completely stop taking them. It's at the point now where I can't even ask a question without it becoming a huge fight. And the fighting always comes down to me not doing enough (which is where I start to feel helpless and i shut down)

She is always telling me I don't do enough. Whatever she tells me I need to do more of i do it but than she finds something else that I don't do.

Each day I get up make lunches. Pack school bag. Get our son up and ready for daycare. We drop him off together and pick him up together. If we eat at home she cooks most of the times than after dinner ill bath our son and get him ready for bed. Than ill do dishes clean the kitchen and tidy the house. On my day off (while she is at work) I mow the lawn clean the bathroom. Tidy the house, vacuum and do at least 2 loads of washing. Get dinner ready. All while looking after my son. And most of the time it's still not enough.

We eat out alot because she feels like something for dinner and if I suggest just eating at home it starts another fight so I just agree now. So we probably spend $200 a week eating out or takeaway. And she complains we have no money or savings.

We also have our neice every 2nd sunday so that makes it hard to do family things. Which is another issue because she is always asking me to plan little adventures but when I do she doesn't want to do it or makes different plans. If i ever do something for myself it ends up in a fight because we could be doing family stuff and it doeset benefit the family at all.

I dedicate my whole life trying to make her happy and to be the best i can for her and I feel it's still not enough.

Do you think I should do more or is there something I'm doing wrong? I have told her I am really struggling with her emotions and moods and it came back on me being the problem. I don't know what to do. Any help is very much appreciated

Wiggy76 · ‎08-12-2017

That is some great advice.

I have tried standing up for myself in trying to explain situations that upset her from my point of view. And it doesn't work. I will try your way and see how it goes. I habe bottling to lose at this point.

Thanks very much for your help

Wiggy76 · ‎08-12-2017

Sorry. Nothing to lose at this point

Birdy77 · ‎08-12-2017

Wiggy, let us know how you get on.

Birdy.

Quercus · ‎08-12-2017

Hi Wiggy76,

Glad to hear you found it helpful. Hopefully a new approach works for you too (and you don't end up cursing my dud advice 😊).

Just keep calm. My pitfall is seeming too aggressive (assertive doesn't come naturally to me). I have to remind myself calm and gentle but firmly state how I feel and what my boundaries are.

I truly hope it helps you find a happy medium with your wife. You married eachother after all... There's got to be some love and respect there to rekindle.

Wiggy76 · ‎11-02-2018

Hey guys back again

things have turned pretty bad the last month. She has told me numerous amounts of times that she doesn't want to be with me anymore. And that I still don't do enough (now it's banking, organising holidays, nights out and such) I understand i can do more of that but my head has scrambled and iv started seeing a psychiatrist myself. I'm really struggling with trying to fix myself, our relationship and trying to manage her anxiety and stress. The psychiatrist says I need to work on myself first before trying to fix the relationship and help her. But that won't go down well with her at all. On top of this she wants to try for another baby now (even though once a week she says she doesn't want to be with me) iv told her I want us to be better or on the right track at least before we try but she thinks she's ready and having another baby will bring us closer and claims that I'm holding her back from what she wants. Im in a rutt and don't know what to do. Iv told her how I feel. What I think is best. Iv Been Completely honest and im still being told im not doing enough amd haven't for the whole time we have been together. How do I manage this and how am I meant to take on all these things so she feels better. When I can see its still not going to be enough.

Sorry if that carried on a bit

Quercus · ‎12-02-2018

Hi Wiggy,

Go with your gut! It takes two to make a baby and if you don't feel comfortable don't be forced into anything.

She is saying she wants to leave, your relationship is unstable and she won't take her medication and help herself. Bringing another baby into this mix is worth very serious thought. I have two kids and where things were hard with one it became even harder with two. Personally I think your psych is right.

Your situation reminds me of my friend. She and her husband split for 6 months recently. Like you she couldn't do anything right. Whatever she said was wrong and disregarded. And she got to a point where she felt she had given everything of herself that she could and wasn't living her life to her own values. So she left him. They went to counselling together. Are back together and happier.

But he wouldn't listen. Couldn't accept that maybe she wasn't the only problem. Until he realised he stood to lose his family. It was only then he started to listen and realise how unhappy she was.

Maybe try sit your wife down again and explain that you aren't happy. That you don't want a baby. That the problems you're having are not only on you. And try again with the idea of counselling. But not as a question... As something you NEED to make this work.

What do you think?

Wiggy76 · ‎12-02-2018

I have tried sitting and talking about it. It all comes back on me and she won't accept that she is struggling. Iv told her im worried about her and that maybe we need to both see psychs seperatly and still nothing. I do want another baby but not while things are like they are. She wont admit that she needs help and that I should learn to deal with it all to make things better. I need to deal with me us and her all at once because she needs to deal with us, her, me and finances and a job she hates. And that its unfair on her. The only reason my head is scattered is because I'm struggling with her. If I'm at work or with friends i feel completely fine. But as soon as I'm with her my brain just turns to mush and I can't think straight or make the right decisions. And i struggle to talk to her because there's no listening to me or seeing my side it's always im not doing enough and I need to fix things. I'm just stuck. Im nearly at the point of leaving but I know if i do ill never get to see my son

musmus · ‎01-03-2018

Hi Wiggy76,

I’m brand spanking new to the forums here myself. So this will be my first ever post. I really hope it helps!

I’ve read through the thread & I can relate enormously with your current situation. My heart goes out to you during what I can only begin to image is an incredibly tough time.
I too am married to someone who suffers with MI & for a long time wore the brunt of her personal frustrations, regardless of how much responsibility I would take on around the home in an attempt to help.

There are two things I found that helped me:
The first was working through the ideas of fault and responsibility. I had to come to terms with the fact that the issues in my relationship, & now marriage, were NOT MY FAULT. Nor were they my wife’s fault. But it was, & still is, my responsibility to make positive changes. You keep asking whether or not it’s your fault. Whether or not you’re the problem. I honestly believe that it’s not your fault AND it’s not her fault. You’re dealing with mental illness, she can help it as much as you can. But it is your responsibility to make the changes necessary for a better life. Try to figure out what things are stopping you from achieving the happy relationship you’re looking for. I personally need at least one trip per month, on my own or with my buddies, camping or something, to download and recharge. My wife needs at least one or two activities (movies, breakfast, date night etc) every week together to feel happy. Try to clarify, SPECIFICALLY, what the expectations are. Then adjust accordingly.

Which brings me to my second helper. For me, it always was and always will be about the questions I ask and not the demands I make (We need a therapist… you need to take medication etc). My wife reacts poorly to me telling her how she feels or what she should do, even if she knows I’m right. So instead, I simply ask more open ended questions (calmly haha). How are you feeling right now? What kinds of things do you expect of this marriage? What does the perfect relationship looks like to you? How does your work impact your mindset? What kinds of things make you feel overwhelmed? Is there anything I can do for you right now?

This forces my wife to think and give real, tangible answers. If my wife can’t answer these kinds of questions I know there’s nothing more I can do. And she knows it too. If she can answer them, then I get concrete feedback & action items.
And you’re showing how much you care!

Hope this helps!