Partner is showing signs of depression, pushing me away

[Rockpool]

Hi all

I'm not exactly sure why I'm posting this. I don't know if it's for advice, or for reassaurance that I'm not alone. Anyway, whatever the reason, I have found these forums to be so helpful, and while this is my first time posting, it's not the first time I've visited. My partner of 5 years is displaying signs of depression. I have several years of my own experience of depression being hospitilzed a 6 years ago, and on medication for around 7 years now. I know the signs, but my partner has always been happy go lucky, someone who just "got through life" and supported me through my down times and loved me no matter what. He's always been a fit and happy guy, but over the last two years he's had several bouts of serious illness that has impacted his ability to exercise and keep fit. Over the last year, I realised that this has profoundly impacted his mental health. On a couple of occasions, he's been very low, pushing me away, saying that I deserve someone better than him and that he can't love me the way I deserve to be loved. However he's always come back up again, and things were fine. These episodes have become more frequent, and lately he's been very distant, isn't happy to see me after a long day at work and isn't affectionate with me anymore. I have tried to say that I think he needs to see someone, talk about what's going on in his head, but he doesn't listen. He just says that he needs to "take action" but doesn't know what that action is. I know he thinks that 'letting me go' is one of these actions that needs to happen, but I believe this is his illness talking, not him. I also have to add that we've just moved to a a new city and don't know anyone here.

I like to think that I'm very understanding. I give him space when he wants it, I don't complain when he wants to sleep by himself and I'm willing to see past the way he acts with me, because I know that this isn't him. When he's not down, he's beautiful. He's the love of my life and I'm not willing to let him go just yet. I am going to give him time and space while also trying to encourage him to seek help. I know that I have to ensure I'm ok too, and after years of living with this awful illness, I've developed coping mechanisms that I truely believe in. I guess this post was to just air my feelings, as I don't have anyone who can possibly understand to talk to. I wouldn't mind though if someone else felt like sharing their experiences, as I do feel really alone right now. Thanks.

[carnevermind]

Hi Rockpool,

I stumbled upon your post through google, where I was helplessly trying to find some answers for the very similar situation where I currently find myself. I must say, reading your posts and the replies from other community members has made me feel a lot better. I fe reassured knowing that I'm not the only one going through something like this and that there are people out there that understand.

My partner admitted to me recently that he believes that he's depressed, and has been for a little while now. It's really effecting our relationship, which makes me sad, because before all of this he was a completely different person. I know that he is still here, but his mind and emotions are clouded. It makes it even harder that he is a person whom doesn't like to talk about feelings and emotions.

Anyway, I really do love him and want what's best for him, so I've asked him to seek help. I know that he still loves me because he's still committed to being here, even though when I ask him what he wants or feels, he replies with 'I don't know'. This does bring me down. From what I've read, I understand that your partner is now seeking help, which is fantastic! I was just wondering what you did/said to strengthen his attitude to seeking help? I know that I need to be patient and understanding, which I completely am, but I hate seeing him in this state of uncertainty.

I'm glad that things are starting to turn around for you and your partner though. And as for everyone else in this forum, I wish you all the very best and truly admire your courage for speaking out to us.

Kindest Regards,

carnevermind xo

[Rockpool]

Hi Carnevermind

Sorry to hear that you're going through a rough patch. I'm glad that you've posted here. It's so
hard hearing your partner say 'they don't know'. My partner said this a lot
about our relationship and how he was feeling and even if he could see any
direction for himself. And all I wanted was my guy back - the one who 'did
know'.

You ask what I did/said to strengthen his attitude to seeking help. Really all I did was
gently show him that I was concerned, and reminded him of these concerns when
he had was really down. Like yours, my partner is not good at sharing his
feelings and emotions. He kept denying that there was anything wrong, instead
blaming the way he was feeling on other things, including our relationship.
This went on for a long time, but each time he was feeling low and showing more
signs of depression, I’d gently remind him that I was there for him, offer to
make appointments for him to see doctors, counsellors, even alternative things
like a chiro or a masseuse to physically remove tension from his body. I gave
him tonnes of space (probably the hardest of it all), while still showing him I cared and wanted to support him.
I also encouraged him to exercise, offering to go for runs with him and to the gym.

But as this is ultimately his journey, only he could make this decision to seek help, I just kept trying to plant the seed. And the moment he asked me to make that first doctors appointment, I knew that I had to spring into action and start momentum up. I made all the arrangement to see GPs and the psychologists, and I think my
partner appreciated this as it was one less thing to think about.

All of this was and still is hard, because I think as carers, we take a lot on for very little ‘return’, for lack of better word. I wrote a post the other week asking the forum whether I could tell my partner how hard this is on me, and in doing so I kind of felt selfish. There's no rule book for navigating this process (if there is someone please let me borrow it!) and everyone is different. Everyone’s situation is different, but it’s important to remember you’re never alone here. It sounds like you’re doing a good job, try not to forget that. It’s tough, and it takes time, so as always, try to look out for yourself too.

I don't know if this really helped, but do feel free to write again.

Talk care xx

[carnevermind]

Hi Rockpool,

Thank you so much for getting back to me. I feel so reassured that someone understands exactly what I'm going through and the feelings that I am feeling during this time. Hearing him say 'I don't know' is terrifying because although I know he's confused and overwhelmed, I can't help but feel it's me. Like you said, I really just want him back. He's said that 'people change' in regards to me talking to him about this, but even I know that people don't chnage as drastically as this.

You have given me a lot of good insight into what I can do, so thank you for that. I will take some of this on board and try it for myself when the time is right. I understand that patience is also key and although I am really not a patient person by nature, I really am trying very hard.

I hope that the day he decides to seek help is soon. I've told him that I will be here for him no matter what, but I really do want him to get help... and sooner rather than later.

Yes! I completely relate to that. Don't think that you are selfish. Sometimes we have to take care of ourselves first and there's nothing wrong with that. After all, during times like these we need to foster enough strength for ourselves and our loved one. But in order to maintain enough strenght for both of us, we need to put ourselves first! I can't tell you enough how much it means to me knowing that I am not the only one feeling this way though.

I can't thank you enough, this was incredibly useful. I'd really like to hear from you again in time.

Kindest regards,

carnevermind xo

[ReachOut]

Hi Carnevermind,

I've read a couple of posts and just wanted to let you know I'm going through a very similar thing at the moment.

I too am hearing 'I don't know' a lot from my boyfriend and it really is scary. In one of my previous posts, I was nearly convinced he was trying to break up with me and I was really beating myself up about not being a good enough girlfriend. Now I realise it's the depression that makes him act this way.

I understand your frustration in wanting to help, and in bringing back the great person you know and love. My boyfriend doesn't talk about his feelings / thoughts much either, so it makes it very hard.

I'm new to these forums and just trying to get lots of insight into depression. It's so comforting to know that other people are there and understand.

Please continue posting, and I wish you all the best with your boyfriend.

x

[Anony18]

Hi All

I posted a new topic but realised I should have read this first and posted here.

My boyfriend of a year had told me that he had anxiety. He was seeing someone but I am not sure if he does anymore. On top of that he shared his dad died suddenly 5 yrs ago and his family isnt the same. I know his mum relies on him alot particularly given the brother has mental issues. A few months ago he said he thinks he is depressed and may need see someone but I didn't follow up if he did which thinking about it now I should have.

Fast forward to now where a tragic incident in his life and him reaching a milestone bday it resulted in him having an early life crisis. I text and call per day even asking to talk so I could know how support him but it is ignored and only few days later he would just msg he is ok just needed the space.

The past week my insecurities got better of me cause felt him pulling away after not seeing or speaking to him which resulted in him having a go at me saying how in past he left alot of things in back burner. Now as a significant part of his life is in shambles he told me he needed time and focus but it's being held against him for not fixing it. Also said it bugs him now that I have things going for me yet am insecure and upset when he has it worst and count my blessings rather than be anxious. After that I asked him if we could talk but he didnt respond. I am worried he isn't going to talk to me again.

Alot of my friends said its just his frustration and leave him alone. Wait til he msges. But of course if he doesnt after a while I am worried he thinks I have abandoned him. I am unsure what is the right thing to do. His birthday is coming so I was gonna send hia text anyway. But if he doesn't respond do I still follow up with text every few days or weeks letting him know I am still here? Or should I just leave it til he reaches out - if he does talk to me again.

[Carmela]

Hi Rockpool and to others who support a partner with depression, you are not alone. There are many of us out there pushing through each day, trying to find our place in a relationship challenged by mental illness.

From my many years of supporting a husband with depression, l have found that, no one teaches us how to navigate a relationship when mental illness is part of the picture - there is no caregiver instruction manual. It tests our endurance and patience bringing on frustration and pain. But, most importantly, it tests the strength of your love.

I push forward each day by changing the way l looked at my husband's depression and my involvement with it. I learnt that there is no cure, and recovery is a process, not a race. I moved beyond the preoccupation of my sadness and pain and saw life as a journey of lessons - both good and bad that expand my awareness and appreciation on the fragility of life and the importance of being grateful for the small stuff. This new way of thinking has released me from a self-inflicted holding pattern l was use to. l can now direct my thoughts and actions on living for our son and me, while supporting my husband.

Self-care and love are so important, for it is not uncommon to neglect ourselves when trying to help another. Do not forget about you! Let go of trying to control what you cannot and control what you can - that is you. This is not selfish.

It takes great courage to walk with a partner who fights the darkness 24/7. Do not underestimate that courage within you. Stand strong in the knowing that you are a vital part of recovery. Live with hope in your heart and release expectation. Don't loose sight of your dreams and the person you need to be.

Carmela

[daisychain2]

Hi Rockpool,

I realise this reply is over a year after your post, but I read it and thought this is so exactly what I am going through. My husband has had depression on and off for 10yrs, so in my case he knows he has it already. He tried lots of medications many years ago and says they are not for him as he gets terrible side effects. He also finds psychiatrists difficult to talk to. Last year he had ECT which was very effective, but now he is showing signs again but refuses to admit he is depressed again - he just keeps telling me he wants to be alone and doesn't want to be around anybody.

So my question relates to your comment about giving him loads of space (and it being hard to do) - unfortunately I don't have many friends around the area I live, and although I work full-time the evenings and weekends are generally spent at home. So how did you give him space? I know it sounds like a silly question but I'm really struggling with it. I've been telling myself to join the gym and go after work or something, but I'm so tired by the end of the day I don't have the energy. So we end up both being home and essentially ignoring each other which is creating tension (at least I'm perceiving it that way).

He doesn't want me to touch him at all either, just something small like putting my hand on his leg if we're sitting next to each other and he flinches and pushes my hand away. This is so hard for me as he used to be very affectionate. So I'm feeling unwanted and unloved myself. So I'm torn because I feel like I should give him some space, but because I already feel so distant from him I guess I'm worried it will take us even further apart, like if I slept in the spare room I'd feel like we were going further apart... or do I need to put my insecurities aside and do it for him?

I'm also used to looking after him, cooking dinner etc, and get worried if I make a point to do something after work to give him space he will not eat because he can't be bothered cooking.

I don't know if trying to look after him and be there for him is what he needs or whether it's making things worse!

Any advice would be appreciated

[Cocostar]

Hi Daisychains2,

Unfortunately I'm also going through a very similar situation at this moment.

My boyfriend of a year had recently opened up to me and told me that he has Ptsd and dysthymia due to his relationship with his abusive and alcoholic father. When we first started dating he was very loving, attached and affectionate towards me. Which has recently started changing. He's told me that he gets episodes of him just constantly feeling down, him not wanting to be around people, and wanting to just be in his room alone. They normally go away but recently they have been happening alot frequently and he does not how to help them. He's always been a very quiet person and someone who does not open up to people easily. Hes only opened up to me about all of this and even his family does now know. He's been speaking to a psychiatrist, which he isn't finding helpful because he doesn't know what's wrong with him and why he's feeling like this.


He recently saw his father, which triggered his episodes and made him feeling worse. He still has to see his dad once a year and I recently asked him why he would keep seeing him. His response was that it is because of some complicated circumstances.


I find that I'm trying to be as understanding as possible but he is wanting to take a break from our relationship because it's unfair on me that he can't treat me right as a girlfriend, but also wants me around to support him as a friend.
He believes that he needs to love himself first before he loves me. Which I completely agree on.
I obviously want to be there for him as much as I can, but not knowing what's going to happen to us is making me go crazy.
I keep questioning myself why I'm not loved and why does he not care about how I feel sometimes.


I'm not sure about what I should do.

Any advice would be appreciated

[Smartredcoat]

Dear all

I read all your posts and I too am supporting my husband that is struggling with depression and PTSD. This has been going on for many years however now it's getting worse. He is in the force, and combine all the years of stress and trauma, and I completely understand why he could be feeling this way.

He avoids all social situations, flinches when I try to touch him, and when asked what he wants he used to reply "I don't know". Now he wants to leave the relationship as he feels I would be better off without him. I try to be strong and not take it personally, however it is a real punish (as I am sure you all understand).

I have met with therapists, and met with one together. He repeats that he just wants to be alone, and it's nothing personal, and he thinks he must still love me as he does feel guilty!

We have three children, and I work full time, so I try to be kind to myself, however it's hard to find the time. Sadly my Dad passed away in March, so I am at a bit of a loss I must say.

I am there for you all, as I think we are brothers and sisters in arms so to speak.

Has anyone left their partner, and been able to maintain a relationship with them?

Thank you