Partner is showing signs of depression, pushing me away

Rockpool · ‎12-05-2015

Hi all

I'm not exactly sure why I'm posting this. I don't know if it's for advice, or for reassaurance that I'm not alone. Anyway, whatever the reason, I have found these forums to be so helpful, and while this is my first time posting, it's not the first time I've visited. My partner of 5 years is displaying signs of depression. I have several years of my own experience of depression being hospitilzed a 6 years ago, and on medication for around 7 years now. I know the signs, but my partner has always been happy go lucky, someone who just "got through life" and supported me through my down times and loved me no matter what. He's always been a fit and happy guy, but over the last two years he's had several bouts of serious illness that has impacted his ability to exercise and keep fit. Over the last year, I realised that this has profoundly impacted his mental health. On a couple of occasions, he's been very low, pushing me away, saying that I deserve someone better than him and that he can't love me the way I deserve to be loved. However he's always come back up again, and things were fine. These episodes have become more frequent, and lately he's been very distant, isn't happy to see me after a long day at work and isn't affectionate with me anymore. I have tried to say that I think he needs to see someone, talk about what's going on in his head, but he doesn't listen. He just says that he needs to "take action" but doesn't know what that action is. I know he thinks that 'letting me go' is one of these actions that needs to happen, but I believe this is his illness talking, not him. I also have to add that we've just moved to a a new city and don't know anyone here.

I like to think that I'm very understanding. I give him space when he wants it, I don't complain when he wants to sleep by himself and I'm willing to see past the way he acts with me, because I know that this isn't him. When he's not down, he's beautiful. He's the love of my life and I'm not willing to let him go just yet. I am going to give him time and space while also trying to encourage him to seek help. I know that I have to ensure I'm ok too, and after years of living with this awful illness, I've developed coping mechanisms that I truely believe in. I guess this post was to just air my feelings, as I don't have anyone who can possibly understand to talk to. I wouldn't mind though if someone else felt like sharing their experiences, as I do feel really alone right now. Thanks.

geoff · ‎13-05-2015

dear Rockpool, well thanks for leaving your comment for us to brew over, if that is OK to say, because it's been a very common problem that has been posted, but please don't get me wrong when I say that, because one person's depression can easily lead to many issues.

How can we explain that someone who is 'lucky go happy' suddendly fall to depression, well sometimes it's can be explained but normally this person hides their sudden fall into depression or don't know why they have got the curse.

I would like you to do a couple of things and I hope for your sake it's not too much, but click under 'Resources' at the top of this page and order All the printed Material' that Beyond Blue will send out to you, it's free but very informative.

I would photocopy what you feel relates to depression, because if for some reason he decides to throw it out, you will have a copy, but I don't sense that he will do this.

You could read the booklet several times and each time pick up new information, it's actually quite exciting to read if you want to know as much as you can about this disease.

I know that by sleeping in different rooms is disappointing, because I had to for well over a year, I can't remember how long, but a very long time, because my now ex moved out into another room.

It's not the sex that I was after, I was too depressed, but the close companionship, the warmth of her body next to me, and the snuggling together that I loathed by sleeping alone that I dearly missed.

Enough of that, but your partner can do a few things which may take him time, because no one can rush him, if this happens then it will take him much longer to come out of the cupboard.

What I am about to say is just a suggestion, I hope that he can read some of this 'printed material' because it will show him that he's not alone, and then make an appointment with his doctor.

I'm almost out of space, so he may or may not talk to you, or want to talk to you, so please don't take this as being rejected, it's also a phase of this illness, but you can try and encourage him to go the movies, park or walk the dog.

Please let us know and I mean this. L Geoff. x

Rockpool · ‎13-05-2015

Thank you Geoff! I really appreciate your response. Like i said, i don't really know what I wanted from posting but it's so nice to know that people read this and are there! I've read your responses to other people and always found you to be so helpful, so thank you again! I will stay in touch as I honestly do feel we will get through this. X

littlelulu · ‎13-05-2015

hi rockpool.... do you have a family doctor you can secretly speak to telling him about your worries? if so maybe the dr surgery can ring your partner for a yearly check up or something and the dr could check him out ... men and depression seem so different to women and depression, my partner hid his depression so well that i didnt even notice he was suffering it until i started to google depression ( i had never had anyone around me suffer it before so really had no idea) after my partner commited suicide , then i realised i should have really noticed the signs but never did..... so maybe go see your family dr and see what he can do for you.... goodluck xxx

Rockpool · ‎14-05-2015

Hey Littlelulu, wow thank you for sharing that. I'm so sorry to hear that. You've made me see that we have to do something even if he's going through a really good patch! Thanks again! Xxx

geoff · ‎15-05-2015

dear Littlelulu, I must commend you for coming onto this particular post and tell us your very sad reply.

As a survivor of suicide myself, my heart goes out to those that have lost someone due to this.

The ability for someone to hide their depression, again like myself, makes it very difficult for those that are attached to them, so please don't take any blame yourself.

There could be in some instances that a 'little pointer' in what they do could be an indication that they suffer from depression, but more so they talk their way out of it.

I hope that you can reply back to us if you need some help or support. L Geoff. x

littlelulu · ‎06-01-2016

Dear Rockpool. I have been meaning to get on here and ask you how things are going??

Dear Geoff..thanks for your comments,, men hide things so very well, I did notice that he was sleeping a lot more than usual, was very quiet , and I only took that as being tired as working night shift and two young boys to chase around after !! It is coming up 6 years this march, I now suffer with severe anxiety / panic attacks , I never dealt with what happened I only worried that my boys were going to be ok, I think that is now why I am suffering these things, but im on top of things and things are getting better .... thanks

Rockpool · ‎22-02-2016

Hi Littlelulu

Thank you for checking in! I appreciate that so much.

Well it's almost been a year but three weeks ago my partner accepted that he needed a hand. This was so big! We went to a GP together and then to a psychologist and whilst it was very tough for him, he was able to see that all of this is necessary in order to feel better. We've got another psychologist appointment this week and an appointment with the GP coming up soon as well.

This last year has been extremely rough, and I don't know what's on the cards for the next little while, bit I'm happy that he's recognised that he can't do this on his own and is seeking help. He has some very bad days and is no where near his "old self". Occasionally i get a smile out of him now and that means a lot.

He also acknowledges how tough this is on me, and i appreciate that.

We're not out of the woods yet, but at least we're working towards building a path way to walk on, to get us there.

XxR

HelpingOutOthers · ‎28-02-2016

Hi Rockpool. I've been looking through the forum without knowing what I'll gain. Apart from knowing I am not alone. I'm going through a very similar experience. My wife is pushing me away, asking why I am so nice to her and why I don't go find someone else. She's hurting so badly and is even sleeping on the couch right now while I lay in bed. She's on medication but refuses to take it tonight which I know is a bad thing. I'm scared it could be the end of us if I don't find the right words to say soon as she makes her mind up on things and sticks to it. it's taken its toll on me too and I'm in a commission only sales job where my income has dropped a lot this last couple of months as my energy levels do too. So finances are not ideal plus I'm stressed and tired from putting up a brave face. Now when I see her dip into a bad mood I pretty much panic inside because I can't cope and I know the way I react is not going to help the situation. i don't really know what to expect from posting this other than to say I hope we both come out with great success stories at the end of this challenge.

Rockpool · ‎01-03-2016

Hey there HelpingOutOthers

Sorry to hear you're going through this. It's tremendously difficult but I hope you're able to see that you will get support from this forum. I think it helped me to just put my thoughts here, and to know there were/are others going through this too.

I feel like i constantly have to be strong, as i think my partner sees me as being emotionally stable and if i break down because of this, then it'll make him feel worse. This is hard and sometimes creates a build up of anger, sadness and resentment in me. In order to combat this as much as possible, have been seeing a counsellor myself, and trying to take care of myself.

I hope you're able to take care of yourself, make use of this forum, and the info here on the website.

Take care and all the best mate. You're not alone.