Negative Partner who is closed minded

[Fletch74]

Hi All,

Thank you for reading my post as I am new to the forum.

My wife has depression, probably Post-Natal. She acknowledges it, she has decided to take some medication, but won't go and get help as she doesn't think she needs it. I personally think she is afraid to open up wounds and get hurt. She also has had Ante-Natal depression and got help from someone prior to having our 2nd child. She absolutely loved seeing her as she was able to get many things off her chest, but won't go down that track now. She always finds excuses for why she shouldn't go there.

My wife and I have been married for almost 6 years. We both come from Unstable upbringings, but her's more so, her Father also suffers from depression and is a very anxious person who always worries about the most minute things. This has rubbed off on her.

I was not spoken to last night as we're visiting my parents tonight, and staying over. My wife is working today and asked if perhaps we could go on Sunday morning as the last thing she wants to is have to get things ready when she gets home from work to go out. I have complete understanding, but knowing that my parents haven't seen our children for over 2 months I try and understand their point too. So I offered to help get things ready before she got home, only to be ignored for the remainder of the night and this morning as I have not understood her situation. I try and get her to see the positives from this, like she will be able to relax and not have to worry about dinner, or lunch the next day.

The above is an ongoing issue, as she can only ever see the negative in a situation, and if I try and point out the positive, or an opportunity that might arise from the situation, I will often get shot down.

My wife is very closed minded and finds it hard to overcome things. It can often take 2-3 days before she lets things go, and they can be very minor. This definitely comes from her upbringing. She has mentioned suicide before as well, but the kids often prevent that.

I've tried to be positive right throughout this and have always been there if she's needed to vent anything, but often the moment I try and say it's not like that, maybe it's this, I'll get shot down. She knows everything basically. She doesn't want anyone of her friends or family to know she has depression either, which makes it very hard.

As a result, I am at a point where I don't know where to turn because it's rubbing off on me and changing my moods too.

[HelenM]

Hi Fletch74

It must be really hard living with someone with depression and often the carer needs support for themselves. Is there a family member or close friend who you could confide in.

You say your wife is on medication. Has she been taking it long? If she doesn't want further counselling I'm not sure you can persuade her.

I wonder if your wife finds the idea of spending the night at your parents a bit difficult given she's not well and is using the reason about packing as an excuse. If seeing your parents is a problem is it possible for you and the children to go and let your wife stay at home.

You've mentioned that your wife's mentioned suicide. If you think she's considering this please talk to her and ask her to get help.

Take care and post again, Helen

[Jacko777]

Hi Fletch74,

I am glad you are talking about this Fletch. As you know, these are all things that can be worked on, left alone they could fester. You both need a plan to move forward and she needs to respect your desire for improvement, you want to break the cycle, you don't want to pass this on to your kids. Your wife needs to get back to a psychologist/councellor, as you say, she has an illness but it is hard in the heat of the moment to remember she is ill.

I have an idea of what you are going through. I make sure I work on myself, be clear about who I am. I meditate, I have hobbies, I am a whole person. I try and set the example, lead the way...if we have an argument I let it go as quickly as possible, regardless of who is right or who thinks they are right. Admittedly some times I have to switch off from it...smile and wave! Otherwise it festers and I suffer and my goal is to stay calm and clear, be true to myself.

Perhaps if you get help she might come with?

[CMF]

Hi,

Your wife sound a but like me :-(.  I do suffer anxiety/depression on and off.  How long ahs she been like this? Unfortunately depression does make us focus on negatives. A few things: how old is your wife and how old are your children? Hormone imbalance is possible, especially after having children. look inot estogen dominance.  I have 3 and I'm all over the place.  maybe look into natural hormone therapy , not synthetic you need to find a doctor that does this.  I think it s called bio organic or something like this. with regards to your parents, does she get along with them.  I don't get along with my daughters grandmother and avoid going there at all costs.  I know its not nice but I cannot deal with the anxiety I get around her. maybe your wife's depression also makes her not want to go overnight. when I'm depressed the last thing I want to do is be around people and I also don't want any family to know about it.

some food for thought...love to hear back from you as I can relate to your wife very much.

[AGrace]

Hi Fletch,

Welcome to the forums.

Your concern is common for a carer of someone with depression. Having experienced depression before, it's been my experience that all I've ever wanted was for people to see things my way. It might sound very selfish, but if you've been raised in an unstable upbringing it can be quite invalidating. So all you ever hope for is for someone to validate your thoughts and feelings.

I can see a lot of my partner's techniques in yours. I know for him, all he ever wanted to do was to try to fix how I felt. Instead what I needed was the opposite. All I needed was to hear him say that he understands how I feel, and he understands what I need.

You mentioned an example of trying to show your wife the positives in scenarios. When you feel really depressed it can be hard to not only believe these things, but to actually sit with the idea that you aren't able to see these perspectives. It's kind of like a reminder of another thing that you can't do right. 

I wonder whether it's worthwhile asking your wife what she would prefer to do, or at least acknowledging and accepting what she thinks she's capable of managing. For instance if she doesn't feel like she can spend the night at your parent's place, is this really a big deal in the whole scheme of things? I get that your parents haven't seen their grandchildren for 2 months, but is one night really going to make a difference to the amount of quality time that your children spend with them?

I'm not suggesting this is easy on your part, it can mean missing out on some things, and it also takes a fair amount of tolerance. Have a think about how the situation would have turned out if you'd simply responded with "Ok, I understand, sure we can go tomorrow, one night won't make that much of a difference anyway." No doubt your parents might have felt a little disappointed in your change of plans, but it's your wife that is currently suffering.

I guess the same thing goes for her seeking professional care. The good thing is that she's taking medication. It would be great for her to see a Psychologist. It might be more useful though for her to do this when she's ready. Perhaps just reminding her if this is something she wants to do, you'll support her.

You mentioned that your wife is working, and she obviously helps take care of the children, so she is functioning at a higher level than some. Showing her this extra understanding might be worth gold.

I'd love to hear your thoughts.

AGrace

[Fletch74]

Hi all,

Thank you all for your replies.

My wife and I went to my parents. She does not generally like my Step-Mother. I managed to talk to her when she got home and managed to make her understand that I generally understand her and care for her in an overall way. I understood that taking a 2yo and 4yo away for 1 night can take a lot of preparation, but she really was using it as an excuse, and she ended up having a good time.

The above probably wasn't the best example of how my wife is. My wife is similar to another thread on here, and can often be quite nasty when she is down and not happy with a situation. She even admits it at times, and calls herself a "cow". I always tell her that she is nothing like that. I know she has a very low self-esteem and I do try and prop it up by complimenting her, but again the upbringing she had with her father verbally abusing her mother has really left an impression on her.

The truth of the matter is, my wife has a lot of issues, but is afraid of opening them up with any form of counselling. She is not close to her parents, especially her mother, thus often is envious of her friends who spend time with their mothers, she is worried that she is like her father at times, for instance the anxiety, and the nastiness I expressed above. She also worries about what people think of her, she will often think of the most obscure things that someone might be implying, but at the end of the day, she is not even close. The truth is she has little trust in anyone and is very insecure.

@ Grace, you mentioned something I've probably been doing - I tend to be someone who like to have situations solved. I try to fix a situation. Although I do listen to my wife and try and understand her situation. I do express that too for her, I try and also give her positives to help her feel the situation is not as bad as she thinks it is. The situation with my parents is difficult, as they have no knowledge of her depression, at her request, thus informing them that we weren't going to the next day becomes awkward.

It was interesting whilst we were there as we were discussing depression, as she is a nurse and often see's depressed patients, that often they just need to talk to people, as they do not realise that there are family and friends who are willing to help.....

I know my family would only be willing to help her. She is not as bad as others, but it still has an effect on me at times, and I only want to care for her and see her happy.

[Jacko777]

Hi Fletch 74,

That is good news Fletch74, that you went to your parents and your wife ended up having a good time. The more positive experiences you can share the better, obviously. I was thinking (like Helen) maybe you could take your children to your parents overnight on your own if your wife doesn't want to come? I know you want to care for your wife and want her to be happy but as you know this is partly out of your control, it is up to her. So I think you should stay focused on your self, be the best you can be as a husband and a parent, get on with living life and you may inspire her to improve AND set the example for your children. Counseling would help her, to unravel what has been created. What would she tell a patient at work that refuses treatment??

[Fletch74]

Thanks Jacko for your reply. I know she had a good time, although she still complains about having to go and what they're like. So, she is still negative about the whole visit, but puts on a front so that no one else notices that she is depressed. Deep down, I know she had a good time.

I couldn't have taken my children without there, one she would not have allowed that, as she would have been worried about what we'd all talk about and the questions they might ask as to why she wasn't there, and secondly, I think it would only make her depression worse sitting at home with us there and missing the kids.

My wife lacks a lot of motivation, has no real hobbies, or even when she gets an idea to start one, it fizzles out within a short period of say 1-2 days. I know she'll get there eventually. At the end of the day her depression comes from lack of motivation belief in herself, trust in others, and self esteem.

As for her work, she does not have the responsibility to be discussing the patients decision on whether to accept treatment.

[HelenM]

Hi Fletch74

I can see that for you to see your family she has to come too.

One thing I do recognise in her though; I did not like my mother in law. I put on a face but would complain about her when we left. In one respect I'd have a good time but also I felt she saw me as inferior - I still do. My brother's wife was exactly the same with my Mum and all my family (she didn't say it but it was very clear).She'd lost both parents in childhood. For my part I'd bend head over heels to sort it but it never was going to happen (past tense, my sister in law died 2 yrs ago).

I suppose what I'm saying is that I don't think your wife will ever see your mum differently. Even if your wife did enjoy herself, if she says she didn't I don't think it would be fair to disagree with her. Don't speak badly of your parents but perhaps don't jump to their defence when she is critical, it used to make me dislike my mother in law all the more. Btw I was the only person within a large family to dislike her and I still think she was a horrible so and so. 

If this post has complicated things I'm sorry and please discount it. I think it brought a lot of memories back for me.

Take care, Helen  

[Jacko777]

I think you have nailed it Fletch...what ways can you help her to improve her 'belief in herself, trust in others, and self esteem'? Is there a new direction that might engage your wife for longer than a few days, a new hobby, changing old patterns, not as a diversion but as a refocus to the important things in life.

Does your wife have any particular unrealised ambitions? And what about you Fletch, what new activities can you put in place so that you are not drawn in to emotional struggles? I have mentioned in a another post what has helped me to stay off someone else's roller coaster...I practice monitoring my reactions to situations, almost like a 3rd person watching on, I give my self time to respond in a situation, rather than react. A response comes from the heart, after the head has finished overreacting! Not sure if I am making any sense here whatsoever.

So try and do something for yourself tomorrow Fletch, catch up with a mate, go for a ride or a run, take the kids to the park, what can you fit in?