Need for non-judgemental support and understanding-Loving a partner with depression

[Anna-B-Love]

Hi everyone,

I've never posted on here before.

I'm reaching out because my partner of 7 years has depression and I'm struggling trying to support him.

I just need nice words, reassurances, to speak to people in a similar situation. 

When I try talk to my family or friends they do exactly what they should-and advocate for me instead. They'll tell me they're concerned because he's making me unhappy, and I should think of leaving him etc. But that's not what I want. I want to stay with my beautiful partner but sometimes I just need to share the load a bit. His family are all quite self-absorbed and he doesn't reach out to them at all. 

We are in week 3 of a depressive episode. I'm lonely. All of the usual things that sustain us are missing. He doesn't want to talk to me about my day, he doesn't hug me, he's cold and detached. We've been here before for not usually for 3 weeks. He's self medicating with alcohol and weed a bit-not too out of the ordinary. I keep suggesting healthy things that might help like a hike, a run, an appointment with his psychologist but he's not acting on any of those. I can tell he feels worse when I'm around because he has to take on the guilt of affecting me too-So I try keep busy and stay out of the house. I go gym, shopping, work, gardening. Being social is harder though because I don't feel like being near anyone who'll ask me how I am, then I have to be fake or just burst out crying. 

I love him so deeply, and it is so painful to watch him hurt and be miserable. I'm trying to be strong but I feel like I'm make of origami and a gust of wind could blow me over. I just need to hear from people in the same situation. A bit of faith or motivation. Thank you. 

[Ggrand]

Hello Dear Anne-B-Love,

Can I offer you a very warm and caring welcome to our forums…

I am sorry your partner has depression and your struggling to support him…..

Your doing a beautiful job, caring for your beautiful partner, depression zaps all the energy out of us plus takes away all the joy and happiness that we feel when not in depression….

Do you think if you offered to go with him to his psychologist that he might change his mind?..

Caring for a loved one through depression can be so hard and exhausting on the career…It’s important to also care for yourself both physically and mentally….Would talking to your Dr about yourself and the effect your beautiful partners depression is having on you something you would consider?….I am concerned that your mental health might be effected as well….and your Dr can help, by setting up for you a mental Health Care Plan…so you can talk out to a professional what’s happening in your life and how your feeling like a gust of wind will blow you over….Professionals can help teach you some coping strategies for when your feeling the way you feel now….

I know dear Anne, that your post is about supporting your partner through his depression, but. if you also get mentally ill….it will be so hard to help him….

Just be there for him….let him know you love him, care for him and will always be there for him…..Self medication although he thinks it’s helping him…and he feel it does, I think it isn’t really a good thing to be doing…Did anything that you can think of happened in his life recently that might have started of this episode of depression?….

Here for you dear Anne, with my kind thoughts…and if you feel to talk some more, please do so….we are non judgemental and are a very caring community…

Grandy..

[815]

Hi Anne,

I'm sorry you are in this situation. I was in your situation. I say it in past tense, because although I know that supporting my husband is ongoing and is a lifelong journey, I no longer feel so hopeless. But we didn't get here without a lot of tears, a lot of anger, and a lot of heartache. We did get here with a lot of support from family and friends. But we also wouldn't be here without the help of medical professionals. And without a whole lot of faith, kindness and love (for yourself).

I too came on here, seeking answers on how to cope. An objective view perhaps, from people who didn't know us. I wish after all this time that I had the answers to provide support to others. But the truth is that a lot of the time I was in a daze, trying to cope day to day with keeping the family together and not let the depression break us. It was hard. There were days I couldn't see past the next hour. And then I'd think, it must be so much worse for my husband. I realise now that my own mental health was being impacted too.

It was like everything I tried to support him was thrown back in my face. There were times where I'd stay away to give him space. But his perception of that was that I didn't care. I tried to push for him to get help, but he'd tell me it wouldn't work and I didn't understand anything. But I refused to give up. And despite everything the depression tried to throw at him, my husband didn't give up either.

In the end we sought professional help, individually, and together. It was invaluable.

I feel your heartache. But I feel how deeply you love him. Even just posting on here to seek some advice and support shows how much you care. Keep reading, keep posting. The more you can read and try to understand depression, the more it might help you in finding answers and knowing what will work for you both. You are there. You love him. You care for him. You might not think so, he might not see it right now, but it is the best you can do for him.

If you can, encourage and support him to get more professional help. And I encourage you to do the same. Without it, I don't know if I'd still be here.

Although you probably can't see it right now, what I want you to know is that there is hope. There are better days. They might not come straight away. And it might not come in the way you expect. But believe they will come, and don't give up.