Need advice on helping brother who seems depressed due to unemployment

[Brendy]

Hi all,

I was just wondering if anyone out there had advice on helping siblings on their path to recovery with depression. My brother has been unemployed on/off for about 8 years and I've noticed he may be showing signs of depression. It's hard to tell because he is a shy, introverted and slightly awkward guy. I am most certain that his depression is due to unemployment but I never know because of his personality.

Just a bit of background information, our family is Chinese,and in Chinese culture, the oldest child is mostly seen as the leading pride and joy of the family. The fact that he is unemployed, he constantly faces pressures from my parents for him to find a job. Due to his unemployment, he has become a bit of a black sheep of the family. Our family, though we get along, we don't talk about problems - which I think this is a very Chinese mentality.

Does anyone have advice on how to approach a sibling about his depression? Is it merely a case of simply embracing the awkward truth and asking him straight out 'Are you depressed?' (I'm worried this will have a denial effect when he answers). Additionally, if anyone from Asian families can share their stories that would also be much appreciated!

Thanks,

[Struggler]

Hi Brendy

Eight years of on and off unemployment is a long period to endure.  This most certainly contributes to your brother's depression.  You can help by persuading him to visit a GP of Chinese background who has an understanding of the problems you brother faces.  Your parents might not appreciate the difficult conditions your brother has to suffer in terms of securing and holding on a job, especially if they do not have to carve out a living among white Australians.  

I am assuming he does not have language difficulty.  If you are still here, we can talk some more as I have a lot of experience in this area.

Struggler

[geoff]

dear Brendy, I understand what your culture means only to the point of where the oldest is recognised as the leader, if I am right, but I'll like to know where you sit in the line of kids.

We have had other cultures and people who are still on here, who are still struggling and finding ways to overcome their own problems, some to do with this and some that are related.

Depression in any type of upbringing doesn't change one bit, it's how the parents view the situation and whether they are right or wrong depends on their religion or faith in what is traditonal is for their culture.

So let's take away this and see what is happening to your brother, you believe that he has depression, it doesn't matter if he is introverted because whether or he is that is what happens to someone in depression.

He has constant pressure from his parents to get a job, and if he is depressed then there could be nothing worse, because it just magnifies how he feels.

What have to do is to pull him aside and talk to him, and not go too heavy but just 'you seem very quite and upset', wait until he responds, he may start to cry or if he becomes more introverted then say to him I will book an appointment for you to see a doctor.

I'm sorry but at the moment you have to leave your parents out of this, because they will only put more pressure on him and that's NOT we want.

I hope that you can get back to us, and this would be in strict confidence to shield him from your parents. Geoff.

[Brendy]

Hi guys,

Thanks so much for your encouraging words.

You are right to assume he doesn't have any language issues, we're Australian-born Chinese kids.

I had a bit of a heart to heart with him a few days ago, and told him I was worried about him and straight out asked him if he was depressed. He denied he was depressed but again, I'm not convinced. So I shared with him that I have been to therapy (something I haven't told my parents or many people) when I was going through a rough period myself in an attempt to show that therapy is not as uncommon as we all may think. I asked him if he wanted to go to therapy but just as I suspected, he denied anything that was wrong with him and told me to 'not worry about it'.

I may have gone the wrong way about it but I do hope I had put the idea of therapy into his mind.

Does anyone have any ideas on what can I do next to get him to therapy? Should I just book him a session with a therapist? How do I go about doing that?

[AGrace]

Hi Brendy,

I wanted to know how old your brother is? Are you both still living with your parents? Did he go to university after school? What sort of work was he doing prior to these 8 years?

I'm wondering whether instead of taking the approach about talking about his depression if it would be better to try to help him find employment? What sort of work is he hoping to do? What sorts of things does he enjoy? Perhaps even asking him if there's something you can do to help him seek work, or even reconnect with some hobbies. Maybe you could look at his resume, suggest some recruitment agencies, send off some letters of interest for him. Have you tried speaking with your parents about maybe reducing some of the pressure they are putting on your brother? This might also be beneficial.

I think in terms of the depression, you've opened the door now. The only thing I would do next is to let him know that you are there if he wants to talk or if he wants you to assist him in any way. It's kind of like the old saying "You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink." Has your brother heard about Beyondblue? There are plenty of resources that you can order, perhaps even providing him with some information would help.

Hope to hear back from you.

AGrace

[Struggler]

Hi Brendy

I'm also Chinese and am 59 years old, living alone.  Came to Australia nearly 40 years ago.  I decided to retire couple of months ago due to lack of work in my field as well as other problems.  I have three strikes against me, my age, and being Asian as well as female.  My field is male dominated and very specialised.  Impossible to find work now.  Fortunately for me, I had the sense to save and invest my income while young and now living on my own assets.  I am not qualified for Centrelink payment.  During all my working life I was driven from employer to employer.  I fought discrimination in almost all the jobs I held.  I had many jobs but I yearned to stay in just one.  I had three separate workcover claims which were accepted,  all depression and anxiety from workplace discrimination.  I took one of my past employers to Federate Court for discrimination but the case was settled before the hearing.  

I suffered clinical depression and anxiety plus high pressure during the whole of my working life, as the result of racial discrimination.  My experience has left me a broken woman in terms of career.  I am resentful, sad, angry and I hate people.  These are strong emotions I have to deal with everyday.  I'm shaking with anger and tearful even while I'm typing this.  

In regards to persuading your brother to see a therapist, it is a tricky one.  For me, if someone suggest I see a therapist, I'd reject it outright.  I associate therapy with American fad, you know, the Doctor Phil stuff?  It is offensive.  

Struggler

[Struggler]

My only advice is just be there for your brother but don't pressure him.  He will open up when he is ready.  It is important to remember that racism is still alive, not only against Aborigines and Muslims but Asians also, yes even in this day and age.  I am not saying we should not take responsibility for our own actions.  Non-Caucasian people are still second class, especially in the competitive workplace.  According to reliable research, children (born and bred here) of non-Caucasian migrants have much lower employment rate compared with Caucasian youths.  It is what it is.  We just have to find ways to deal with it.  The only way to avoid workplace racism is to start your own business.  I'm doing some home base work and can generate a bit of pocket money and keep my mind occupied. 

This is only some of my experience.  There is still a lot and I'd rather save it for another time.   I hope my story helps you understand your brother's predicament.  I look forward to hearing from you again.  

Struggler

[Sea-n-sky]

Hi Brendy,

I've just been running through this thread. and must say there is much sound advice in the replies you have been getting. Very sound and credible advice - I suggest.

Not all of it will necessarily work, that depends largely on how your brother responds.

Correct me if I am wrong, but I don't think anyone has suggested that you get him to join this website.

I have a suspicion that if you can get him to do that, the benefits may be enormous.

I only came here when I had good news to report. That was yesterday.

I now wish I had come here 21 years ago.

That is one hell of a result in just 24 hours.

Besides, an Aussie Chinese Kid - I just feel that should be just a wonderful thing to be. I feel a bit angered that in your case/your brothers case, it does not appear to be that way.

Chin up - try to get him to join our community - but slowly, slowly, I suggest.

He may even find it fun, which will brighten him up, put a smile on his face - that sort of thing. Call it personality boosting, if you like. That will enhance his employment opportunities for sure - if successful.

I'm keeping my fingers crossed, but it's a very strong feeling I have, that it may be the best solution of them all.

Good luck. 

[Brendy]

Hi everyone!

Thanks so much for the reply and apologises for replying late!

I guess you could say my brother has been fairly unrealistic about his chances in the workplace. After high school, he went to university to study politics, but I guess he was expecting someone to give him a job after graduation. He's only job after being unemployed after uni was working at a supermarket. So perhaps he feel let down by the system of uni - who knows. When I myself was unemployed, I would get him out of the house to the library to look for jobs. I even looked at his CV and fixed it up, but he has been a bit pessimistic about it. He spent a two years away in Canada which I thought was great but I later found out that my parents were paying for his accommodation for most of the time - which really frustrated me.

I have talked to him and I guess all I can do is be with him, but I do want him to open up to someone - if not me, then at least someone, hence why i suggested therapy. The seed of thought has been planted and I guess I'll see how it goes.

Again, thank you everyone for your help!

[Sea-n-sky]

Hi Brendy,

Thanks for your last posting.

I think you have assessed your brothers situation almost perfectly.

High school - no gap year - uni (political studies) then a job in a supermarket.

It's not suprising he's somewhat disillusioned with it all.

Oh dear Oh dear Oh dear.

It would have been much better I reckon had he gone High School, Supermarket, and then uni - after clearing his head of all those high school pressures, demands and anxieties.

Degree courses at uni - oh dear. Yes that's great, - but take a break first. Chill out for a while (post high school) and really consider your options in depth, - after gaining just a little experience of life out there in the " real world ".