Navigating a new relationship and my partners depression

[Ella95]

Hi All,
I've been thinking of joining a forum like this for quiet some time and it's been really encouraging reading other people's posts. I really just needed a place to be able to communicate how I'm feeling as I can't always be so blunt with my partner. I started seeing him about 7 months ago and right from the start he told me that he has depression (his parents and siblings all have it too) and he has managed it for years through medication and counseling. I met him during a good period for him where he was feeling really on top of it but about a month into our relationship, he got demoted at work and decided to quite his job. It sent him into a depressive episode which has lasted about 6 months now. We love each other and he is pretty good at communicating with me about how he's feeling (which I appreciate) and he is still getting treatment. But it's really draining for me some days and recently (the longer this episode lasts) I have more and more days where I just wish that we could go on a date and spend time together without the depression. It seeps into everything. Even when he's not feeling flat (which is rare), he's always so tired and when we're out together I'm always so conscious of how he is feeling.
It's tiring always having to carefully choose my words when we talk about his depression, because often when I tell him what I need, he feels like he's not good enough for me and he won't be able to meet my needs and sometimes he feels attacked. So I'm always having to cushion my words and beat around the bush, when sometimes I just want to be blunt and honest about how hard this is for me even though I know it must be so hard for him too. I'm about to start a new job as a teacher and I'm so excited. I really feel like I've found my passion and he's been so supportive of me. But it's also hard being with someone who doesn't feel excitement and happiness the way I do and sometimes I just really want him to be excited with me. I feel so selfish for wanting that, because I know that he can't help how he feels and he has been so supportive. I really do love him and there are days when I really do see a wonderful future with him. I am doing my best to support him and understand his depression. But there are so many days when he just can't meet me where I'm at. When I tell him I love him and see a future for us and he tells me he's emotionally numb. It's so hard!
Anyways, I know there is a light at the end of the tunnel!

[Croix]

Dear Ella95~

Welcome here to the Support Forum. It's called Support becuse that is what people need -including you.

Reading your post I get a good idea of the very hard task you have taken on. A good relationship is a partnership, with each doing their best to look after the other -and being reliable -quite apart from the good feelings and fun of simply being together

At this stage it looks like you have had one month of that followed by 6 months of being a carer, as you BF is in no condition to navigate life well.

It is a huge strain to worry about him all the time, and another to have not walk on eggshells, plus not being able to be honest with him. Over time this can have a bad effect on a person, making them ill. It also makes for separation.

So you need support. Might I suggest firstly you see your GP and discuss the situation, that means not only will a medical eye be kept on your own condition but you might also gain some insights into what to expect and why things happen.

Secondly is there anyone personal, family or friend perhaps you can vent to, discuss matter frankly and simply be listened to with feelings of care? Trying to deal with all this yourself in isolation is so hard.

Congratulations on your new job, as an educator for 17 years I found it a most rewarding and enjoyable career, even if very hard at times.

One approach you might take is for your BF's medical regime to have an overhaul, it is only marginally effective at best at the moment, and there may well be room for improvement. Perhaps you might gain his consent to accompany him and (gently) give an account of how things are.

As for being selfish -nonsense. Your desire for equality, engaging in normal activities and feeling cared for by someone who is on your level are perfectly normal healthy desires.

You are always welcome here, and if you would like to respond to the above that would be great.

Croix

[Ella95]

Thank you Croix, this was exactly what I needed to hear!
I really appreciate your kind words. It has felt like this episode has lasted an eternity and considering I barely got to know him before this episode started, its been a really rough 6 months. It's comforting to hear someone say that it's ok to admit how hard it is for carer's (I struggle not to feel guilty about that, as I can only imagine how hard it is for my partner and I know he is really trying his best).

Funny you mention his treatment plan as I actually spoke to him today about going back to his GP and reviewing the medication he's on and he thought that would be a good idea too. So fingers crossed there may be some breakthrough there. I've gently encouraged him to visit his psych more regularly too.

As for my own support, I do see a counselor which is helpful. I'm really close with my family and usually I would talk to them about important things, but they are understandably pretty concerned about me dating someone with severe depression (even though they do like him) and so I find that when I talk to them about the situation and how I'm feeling, their honest advise is that I should walk away which isn't really helpful advise at the moment. I do have some close friends I've been able to confide in though and my partners family is always helpful as they are obviously very familiar with his depression and they have all experienced depression themselves.

It's just a slow process and I'm really hoping it turns a corner soon!

[geoff]

Hello Ella, we hear and have experienced this ourselves but in each case, our heart feels so much despair and sadness by what people are struggling with because every situation although they maybe very similar aren't really because no personality from anybody is ever the same, we all have different circumstances and the person we love can't be related to how another person feels, even though treatment maybe similar.

When we love someone as do our family, it's not encouraging when they suggest we should leave to find another person, simply because they have missed the point, that it's so hard to leave a person you love, so that cuts off a great deal of communication, only allowing us to pretend, which actually doesn't help.

Friends who have had some type of depression maybe helpful if they can relate an experience without being too dominating and not focused on something that's too far from the issue.

When you both decide to go out together, is promising, but remember you need to enjoy yourself no matter how difficult it may feel, especially when he's not well, because if you try to run your life around how he is feeling will certainly not be good for your health, in other words, you can't be depressed to try and make him happier will not get a positive result.

You deserve to be happy starting your new job, well done, and that's what you've done by yourself but you may notice some kids displaying some sadness on a continual basis and may want to offer them some help, but if I can suggest, try not to get too involved, you have an enormous amount to cope with.

Wish you the very best.

Geoff.

[Croix]

Dear Ella95~

You are obviosly taking a very sensible approach to something that is extremely hard. It may seem a callus thing to say but I would suggest you give yourself a limit. To live the rest of your life supporting someone suffering depression is really more than any ordinary person can bear, you simply follow down the same yourself or leave it until there are kids, then the matter becomes more complicated.

If you family indulging in having opinions to fix things, ie you walk away, then they are not much help. You need an ear, not a fix-it person. You are quite capable of resolving the matter the best way possible yourself.

I do hope your BF's GP refers him on for therapy, not just medication, and that matters improve and stay that way.

I'm glad his family is a help, please let us know how you get on

Croix

[Ella95]

Hi Geoff,
Thanks for your kind words!
You make an excellent point about needing to look after myself and enjoy my own life even if he can't always be there or do things with me. This is something I am definitely working on. I think the teaching job I'm about to start will be really helpful in giving me something positive to focus on that is just for me. Also a good point about not getting too involved in my students mental health issues. Luckily there is an excellent counseling team at my school I can refer students on to, however I am definitely an empath, so may have to work at not getting too emotionally involved.

I really appreciate the advise, and I feel encouraged that I'm not alone in this experience!

[Ella95]

Thanks Croix!
I spoke to my partner again today and we have come up with a plan to sort out his treatment going forward. He is also going to see his psych weekly now (instead of monthly) so that should hopefully help!

I think the next few months will be very telling, especially with me going back to work full time and having more on my plate. Your suggestion doesn't sound callus, it's just realistic. I can't keep doing this forever because it will definitely drag me down (it already is!). So fingers crossed that something shifts soon. Will keep you updated!

Thanks again 🙂

[Croix]

Dear Ella95~

All that sounds good -at the moment. The proof will come to you and help you make your mind up about your futures reasonably easily.

If he sticks to htat regime and it has positive results, with him starting to help you and enjoy being with you, then there is hope.

If however appointments are skipped, or there is no discernible effect then I think you will have run out of alternatives to make thngs better.

Either way your new job sounds a fantastic thing for you and while I'm sure, like me, you will find some of their situations most troublesome, in time you will build that barrier, take them to the most appropriate available source of help and concentrate on the others.

Concentrating on how to get ideas across in the classroom will keep you mentally occupied:)

Please let us know how things go

Croix