My son is shutting me out.

[arialgk]

My 19yr old son and I share a house. I have suffered depression and anxiety on and off for years. Also suffered ptsd throughout.  My son has seen and experienced a lot.

I have been dealing and getting help with my iissues. I know I have taught him some bad coping habits eg: staying in the house and not going out.

I have been trying to lead by example and being supportive. 

 He has suffered from depression as he told me one day and cryed in front of me. I told him to see someone to talk to, go to doctor and discuss options, join a group of some sort something he is interested in. That I was there if he wanted to talk.  

Things picked up but I fear he spiraling down again and shutting me out. He hardly talks at all. I just want to know he is okay and be able to connect with him on some level. 

He doesn't go out. Stays home all the time. Not sure about friends.

Just him and me since he was little. 

I try to give him his space also. 

I don't know how to reach him, or am I asking to much.??? 

[Neil_1]

Hi there arialgk

Thank you for providing your post and welcome to Beyond Blue.

When we suffer from depression or whatever mental illness it’s bad and never ever good, but if something like this then reaches out and grabs hold of one of our children, the concern we have is enormous and I can sense how you must be so incredibly stressed by this.

You say you’ve taught him bad coping habits and that’s where your mental illness kicks in – because you picked on the bad things you believe you’ve passed on to him and you don’t mention all the good things you’ve been able to pass on to him.  I have no doubt that you would have also passed on a stack of good skills and habits to him over the years – I just wanted to mention that, because I believe it’s really important that you are able to acknowledge this.

Though you have commented about leading by example and being supportive and that’s awesome as well.

Being a 19yo, and leading up to that age, I think it might be a boy thing, but during the teenage years, they seem to be a solitary kind of animal, where they spend inordinate amounts of time on their own and living mostly within their own bedroom (I’ve heard of this phenomenon from a lot of other parents) plus we’ve experienced at home with our now 17yo son.

Is it possible to talk with him about things that he has interest in – any computer game that he loves playing, or tv show that he loves – is he into music at all?  That’s how we reach through to our son, through his music and from that, we’re able to move onto other things.  It’s almost like trying to get a wild animal to feel comfortable around you, to encourage say a wild parrot onto your deck with seed and you have to go very very quietly and carefully to earn their trust.  It takes a long time and remember to make no sudden movements.

If he’s still in the mode of crying or still saying that he’s feeling depressed, I would be trying to encourage him to seek out going to a doctor – but this is also an important aspect – to encourage but not be forceful about it, otherwise it’ll make them not go at all.

What about learning to drive?  That could be an option, perhaps?    And something that has a positive goal to aim for also.

I’ll send this off now and would love to hear back from you.

Neil

[arialgk]

You are right in what you have said. I find it difficult knowing the balance between how much space to give. At times I think I have got it right and then others totally wrong. Juggling it.

I have taught good and bad habits yes.  I try to reach out by asking if he would like to do anything together. I suggest things he likes so as he might be inclined to but no success. Ex computer game. I even asked if he would like to join me on a walk through the gardens/bush so as to share part of my positive life with him. No luck there. I got a learn to drive book for him. Will see.  

I will have to watch and see what else he shows an interest in.

I think he finds it difficult to make friends, introvert personality possibly. I tell him that if you don't try you won't know.  Face book and phones so frustrating and of course always with with the ear buds and listening to music. I can't even understand what some singers are saying.  I sound like my parents. 

I try to let him live his own life and make his own mistakes but so hard at times. The parent in me just kicks in and I am wanting to fix his problems for him.

The hardest is the not talkin. Just grunt answers. I have told him that he needs to make more effort. That it is common courtesy to answer someone when asked a question. That I would just like to have a conversation with him sometimes. That he could choose the topic even, that it doesn't have to be about anything important, even if just about the wether.  That I just want to talk with him and connect in some small way. That i am not a mind reader. That he needs to tell me if there is something wrong or if he is unhappy in our sharing of the house space and rules. That he is an adult now.  That all I want is for him to be happy. 

I leave mental health phone numbers on the fridge for him. Also if I come across any good websites that I think he might like I share with him.  I like the wild animal thing. Will have to try and remember it. It is just difficult. We take our moods out on each other. 

Even when I try not to sometimes comes out. I tell him on those days to ignore me.  I just want my son to be happy and safe. To have and live a good life. 

They have to make their own choices though, live their own lives. 

Parenting hardest job ever done and not even halfway finishe. If you ever do!

[arialgk]

My son was like that also at 17. I wish you well with your son and thanks.

[Neil_1]

Hi there arialgk

Thank you for your response back.

Well to me, it sure sounds like you’re trying your best and that for the most part it’s falling on deaf ears.  We had that for so long, but as I might have mentioned, our son is seeming to come out of his shell (and his room) a little bit – not a lot, so again, we’re not pushing.  But as he’s more mobile now, with the driving etc, it’s been a lot better;  and also for those hours and hours we spent in the teaching driving process.  Just the two of you in the car and just random chats happened then, which was another good option that we found for talking – again, nothing major, but just little bits whenever the time seemed right.

Yes, it is a difficult job and with regard to our own children, only we can know – sure we can get advice, but what might work for one, may be bad advice for another, which does suck in a way.  I think the same thing can be said for mental illness also.

I guess the over-riding message is to make sure they know that we care for them, we love them, we will support them and that this will be forever and to leave it with lastly to say, that ‘if-ever, when-ever they feel like they want to chat at any time, we are always open for this’.  I think as long as they know this, they will feel that comfort inside, without ever acknowledging it.

Kind regards

Neil

[arialgk]

I have started talking little things like good morning. Also dry dishes for him if he is washing up and just try to chat about whatever.

I have asked that he at least answer questions, even if one word response. It seems to be working. I will just be patient and hope that if something happens he will talk to me.  Recently worked out a problem so I think he is a little happer as it involved him.

take time to work out.

Thanks again for words.